I need help with the baby steps I would need to take to get mom to live somewhere other than with me and my husband.

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I need help with the baby steps I would need to take to get mom to live somewhere other than with me and my husband. Mom is getting meaner as she is getting older and refuses to live by 'house rules', like cleaning her room. She is a pack rat, and the rats are moving in. When we try to help with cleaning her room, she gets angry stating that we lose her things and that we lie about the things she's missing after cleaning up. She has nothing, all her possessions are in her room and lives on social security / Medicare. She is 76 years old this year and has diabetes, high blood pressure and a bad back that keeps her from moving around much at all. We are in SW Florida and I'm not sure what to do. Besides her not following house rules, it would be better for her to be with other seniors and have some activities etc. As of now, she lives on her bed using her computer watching youtube day after day. Its sad and she should have more in her golden years. I don't know where to start and need some baby steps to take to begin getting her better living conditions. I work and do not have time to take her places other than her Dr. appointments. My husband stays home to care for her, making her meals, giving her the meds with her meals, basically jumping to her every whim. She is verbally abusive to him and he does not deserve the treatment she gives him after all he does for her. It would be better for everyone if she went on her own and I don't know where to start. I've been praying for direction and found this site, think I was meant to. Any help for how to start moving forward on this would be greatly appreciated. thank you in advance

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@MaryKathleen, Love your name! We named my youngest daughter Kathleen. :).
Oh, and there were green metallic? I would have loved those..... geez I am 63 and haven't worn heels in I can't remember when..... working on hospital floors has always been running shoes once we old ones got past that all white leather shoe from eons ago.
I though of a compromise though.... maybe take a pair of heels along when you go out to dinner and change into them while you're sitting at the table and sit so they're noticeable! Or maybe at home, have a dress-up afternoon and get all prettied up with special heels and lay seductively on the couch reading a book.... and then dial up Match.com ! Sorry, I am having a glass of wine after 12 hours work today and am trying to de-stress! I've been single too long.
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MrsRay:

I totally understand. If this woman has NPD, you have my empathy.

Save yourself.
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Heather10 ... she definitely has a personality disorder, there is no doubt in my mind, thank you for the NPH tip. I just want her out, do not care anymore why she is like she is, had enough dr appts for an ungrateful being, don't want any more.

She makes me so negative ... I need to get the negative out of my life asap

Myownlife ... the shoes story is good, thanks for sharing.

i'm with you, I also have evil thoughts these days, Lord forgive us.

MaryKathleen ... sorry you missed out on your shoes, hopefully, something will come along to replace the loss and bring you happiness! :)
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@Myownlife,

Oh, shoes!! I am 83 and I saw a pair of those platform, strappy, heels in a metallic green print. OHHHHHH, I wanted them so bad. I dreamed about them.. Then it dawned on me. I could buy them and arrange them on my dresser like a vase or something. I could put one upright and the other laying sideways next to it. Then I could at least look at them. I went back to the outlet store and of course they were gone. I still cry inside.... If I am ever in lust that way again, that is what I will do. I hope this will make someone smile.
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@mrsray

OMG, you had me in stitches in your "Warning Long Post" one!!! I won't even take my mother to Publix anymore...... I started using instacart and have been ordering groceries!!! It is absolutely wonderful!!!! oh, and amazon, and anything else online. Last time I took my mother shopping was to a shoe store outlet... all the way through, she repeatedly said 1. I don't see the shoes they advertised on tv, (well no, because it's an outlet store), 2. Ooh what about this one? [wedge shoe, about 3 inches high] , "No, Mom, you are already unsteady, and if you wore those surely you would fall and break an ankle or a hip." I am always the "bad guy".... and it's the same at Penney's when she wants to get high heels.... same thing. On this occasion though, I fleetingly (like a full 5 seconds) thought maybe I should give up, let her get whatever she wants and when she does fall and does break something, then she would go to the hospital, then rehab, and then ASSISTED LIVING ! And to top it off, I could even say, "guess those shoes were a bad idea!" Oh Lord, may lightning strike me for such an evil thought!
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Mrs Ray:

I just want to add: My above answer is assuming her physical health has already been evaluated.

If not, can you have her checked for of NPH or normal pressure hydrocephalus of fluid on the brain?”

The gait disturbance, shuffling (magnetic feet it's called), incontinence and odd denials or her behavior could be symptoms of NPH.
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Mrs Ray:

She has the traits of a person with a personality disorder of some type.

The feigning innocence, the manipulation, etc.

You might want to research personality disorders, so you do not feel so guilt ridden by being annoyed.

People with personality disorders lack insight into their own negative behaviors. They can appear to have dementia when they actually do not.
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@ jeannegibbs

venting felt good, thank you LOL

I know I'm not going to change her and yes, she can continue to behave just as she is ... as long as she does it somewhere else

I keep trying really hard for patience and have already learned not to let her get a rise out of things by shutting up, just a little too late LOL ... since she now knows so many ways to get that rise out of me.

believe me I know I need to stop because of her enjoying it so much ...  its that damn short temper of mine that gets the best of me  :)

I need that plaque, think I will set it as a desktop background since I am on my computer a lot
"Lord, give me patience RIGHT NOW!"

and no, I have not started to look at what it would take to evict her, was really hoping it did not come to that stage at all
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Mrsray, I'm sure that no one reading this far has any doubt that your mother is a PIA to live with. But you go away and keep venting. Let it all out, Girl!

Just remember that you are not going to change her. At all. And you've already stated that it is not your goal to change her. She can continue to behave just as she is ... as long as she does it somewhere else, right?

Remind yourself that you are already working toward your real goal: getting her out of your house. Yeah for you!

Realizing that this will come to an end, can you try real hard for patience? If she doesn't see that she is provoking you she might stop trying so hard to do it. Like asking what is for dinner. It doesn't get a rise so she doesn't do it as often. I'm suggesting this for your sake. (I used to have a little wall plaque that said, "Lord, give me patience RIGHT NOW!" I know it can be hard.)

Are you looking into what it would take to evict your mother, if it came to that?
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and before i forget, one more LOL

dramatic yawns ... after work I am tired enough without starting to yawn right when i walk in the door

we all know those dreaded yawns are contagious. ... writing this is making me yawn and I apologize if you are yawning reading it LOL

she would yawn as she takes the cat litter to the porch while shuffling LOL because she just woke up and yawns yawns yawns

LONG BEFORE I REALIZED the games she plays, I said, jokingly, "thanks, now I"m gonna yawn all night and this will make me feel very tired too early" which it does make me do, once it gets going right after work.

Now, not only is she yawning still but WOW, its like so loud and dramatic, like I never heard such loud drawn out yawns in my life and so so many of them in a row.

that was the first time i said to myself, "is she doing this now on purpose cause I joked that it affected me in a bad way?" It sure seems it, but no, my mom isn't like that, I am imagining things

WELL NOW I KNOW I AM NOT, and she still does that non stop daily tooo LOL

just had to share a few of the kinds of things that 'she is so innocent' of that is so enjoyable in my world so you get a clearer picture of some of the many lil things she has fun doing.

I used to just say to myself as she did those kinds of things, 'don't get upset, she knows not what she is doing and i'm blessed to have my mom and have her with me' 

but now with "Compassion Fatigue" and "Caregiver Burnout"  I'm not feeling like its such a blessing anymore and truly believe she does all these things to push buttons as much as possible and pray for forgiveness for feeling that way
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