I’m widowed and been dating a man for a few years now. He’s divorced, 70 and living with his 93 yr old mother. I’m 55 living on my own. I knew the situation when we met, things were great until his mother didn’t like sharing him with me. She went off like a crazy woman 5 yrs ago. She said she should be #1 because she’s his mother. Wanted to know how she could compete with me. I could go on with her craziness. But beginning of 2023 something changed with my bf and he’s never been himself since. Now he caters to her constantly, won’t sleep over my house because his mother doesn’t want him to. A few months ago we went to his DIL baby shower, and had to bring her. Weeks before the shower she was starting drama about the car ride, acting like a child. My bf told her she was sitting in the back seat( he has a large SUV) she was ok with it but started playing with the passenger seat to make sure she had enough room in back. Well the day of the shower, she asked to sit up front, my bf said no. So on the car ride she had to put her feet on the center console. We ignore it. When we got to the shower I greeted his DIL in my normal fashion, with a hug. His mother tapped me on the shoulder and asked why don’t greet her that way. I didn’t entertain her with a response since it wasn’t the time or place. But twice that day she approached me causing a scene, I didn’t give her the satisfaction. Last week the baby was born and bf’s son and DIL asked us to come to hospital. My bf lied to his mother and wanted others to lie about us going because he felt it would hurt her feelings. I gave him crap about it. He ended up telling her which didn’t go well. The topper was the new parents were sending great grand mom (the narcissistic mother) pictures. She told them she didn’t want any because she hadn’t seen the baby yet. Of course he took her to see baby. Now she’s happy. I’m getting so tired of him catering to her. Talking to her like she’s a child. Giving her what she wants. It’s causing him stress. Instead of him enjoying his new grandchild, he’s stressing over his mother and thinks every time he goes to see the baby she has to come. She plays head games with him. Idk what else to do to help him. It’s frustrating because he is a great guy. Problem is he’s passive and a people pleaser with a severely narcissistic mother. She’s evil! No conscience. Selfish and greedy.
Do you really want to continue your life like this? It’s only going to get worse not better. You’re still young & you deserve better.
Ideally he would let mom know he has to move out if she doesn’t respect his choice of friends and his relationship with you. She’s caught up in a competition for his attention. But that needs to be his choice, not yours.
Remove yourself from the middle.
I would decline the events with his family since he doesn’t set boundaries with her.
If he doesn’t make time for you away from her then the relationship will end and you can move on. If the relationship doesn’t work for both of you, then it doesn’t work.
You want more than he is willing to give at this point and you are making it about her when it is about his choices.
I know it’s not what you want. I’m sorry.
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" But beginning of 2023 something changed with my bf and he’s never been himself since."
You’re not beholden to this man, nor his mother/family.
You’re not trapped in a marriage, with small children, and responsibilities and vows.
Run.
Far.
Away.
Your complaints are valid. Sadly that seems to be the reality on a constant basis. Perhaps you could inform us as to why you want to continue with a relationship with someone who seemingly has very little regard for you. What he may have had previously towards you seems to have reversed. It would be beneficial if you could feel regard for yourself. This present situation is negating who you are and deserve to be.
My 50s were the best time of my life. They should be the best time of your life too and not a competition between a b/f and his mother. He's not even sleeping over because he can't disappoint his mother? Read the red flags that are blinding everybody but you. Please.
You're not going to change him, but you can chance the way you deal with the situation. And you certainly aren't going to change his mother. I do believe that there's absolutely no amount of effort that's going to impact him or the mother. This IS what it is.
If you want to stay with him, then have your own boundaries - live your life - get together with him separately from his mother - and don't take their situation to heart. It really isn't worth it.
I would move on, not stick with someone who has all this extra baggage.
can still care for herself. She plays games and he’s aware of them. He has told her he only takes her food shopping and drs. Weekends are his. I’ve told him on many occasions about her head games. His brother had even pulled away from her. But he feels because he told her he would take care of her he can’t move out. She’s his obligation. He won’t put her in a home. Personally I wouldn’t care about any inheritance, that woman would be gone. Not everyone feels the way I do. I have told him I didn’t agree to play her game. I do what I want whether he joins me or not. I guess he doesn’t have the backbone to tell her off. This all started last winter. He will let her know he’s angry with her when she starts with me. My late husband was passive too but I never had to deal with this with his family. They were great people. I have no issue pulling away from family if they disrespect me. So I don’t understand how he can be in the same room with her.
If I were you, I would try and find someone younger. In ten yrs your going to retire and probably want to travel and do what you couldn't when you worked. He will be 80. Will he have the energy to do what you want to?
Do you not realize that you will NEVER be number one in this "boys" life and that you deserve so much better?
Please stop this nonsense TODAY, and kick this mamas boy to the curb. I would think that you'd rather be by yourself than to have to continue to put up with this bull crap.
And after you get rid of him, please do yourself a favor and find yourself a good therapist so you can better understand why you don't believe that you deserve to be number one in someone's life when it comes to a partner.
The therapy will hopefully prevent you from making the same mistake again.
Oh and just FYI, the problem is NOT your boyfriends mom, but is your boyfriend.
That might be part of your problem because you think/believe that it's his mom that is the issue instead of the one who truly is the problem.... your boyfriend.
is he really The One for you? if so, why isn’t he trying to solve things with you?
you might spend years with him and later regret you didn’t leave earlier. he deserves to find The One. you deserve to find The One.
it’s always hard to break up. but wasting time is 1,000 times worse.
- Have you told BF that M is a ‘controlling narcissist? If not, why not? If so, how did he react?
- M being ‘happy’ about a break isn’t quite right. The reaction is ‘I always had my doubts about ….” and ‘I was never really sure that…’ The happiness is disguised a bit, the smirk is there but not immediately easy to pick.
At his age, he needs Viagra and to not cater to his Mommy. Why want this guy when you can get a younger one in his 50's not tied to Mommy's apron strings. Sure he's a great guy if you want to play 3's a crowd.
His Mom has him wrapped, you never will. Find a younger one.
He is 15 years older than you. If M's health is reasonable, a fair bit of his remaining 'good' years (and yours in your 60s) are likely to be dominated by his relationship with his M. It's well worth sorting out before you waste it all.
He may want to discuss some of them, change some of them, and you can negotiate. If he won’t discuss, or won’t agree with something you think is fundamental, turn him into a ‘dating’ BF (no need to drop him), and look for other better options. Or cut the whole thing, if he won’t tolerate that. Make sure that he is on notice to see how she reacts. Is she happy about it, or is she concerned for him and you? He may be a ‘great guy’, but if she’s happy, surely he isn’t stupid!
My DH (also a great guy) had had a disastrous track record with women until we met age about 50. His M was all over me like a rash in the beginning, but when it got ‘serious’ and started to have an impact on her expectations of him, it all changed. Same for you, perhaps?
Or stay with him and live with this hellish situation (mean MIL) forever. She will not change. She’ll get meaner with you to try to keep getting rid of you, and to try to turn him against you.
Very soon (10 years from now?), your boyfriend might start having health problems and you’ll become HIS caregiver. Do you want that? Do you love him till death do you part?
Unfortunately, when one is in a relationship, it comes together with their family, friends.
Does he love you very, very much?
(I have doubts about that because you’re talking to us. Not a good sign. If he was crazily in love with you, and you crazily in love with him, you would be talking to him.)
It’s up to your BF if he wants to give in to all his mother’s demands or if he wants to start setting boundaries . Does this woman have dementia ? Why does she live with her son ? Whose home do they live in? If she has promised him money or her home after she dies , that could be why he gives in to her .
Do you think he would be willing to go to couples therapy and/or individual therapy ?
I had a true narcissist as a mother . It is especially difficult to live with one . Can he move out if it’s her home ? If it’s his home , can the mother go live in independent or assisted living ?
I hope it works out .