Terrible experiences as adult child caregiver. How I deal with it?

Hi Trials - I appreciate your post - you had given really good advise, based on your experience - especially saying to "create space however you can."

What I find so incredibly sad is that there are so many of us on this forum who have put so much excruciating time and efforts into taking care of either one or both parents, who not only show zero appreciation...but who also lacked the ability of ever having been a good parent. They failed as parents by either being neglectful or unloving, abusive, etc - and then expect everything for their own selves now.

Growing up and even thru my adult years, I just assumed that a parent was naturally nurturing and protective ...and even when my parent's weren't, I was in denial of ever wanting to see them for who they were and are - and I unfortunately had to learn the hard way.

Thank you all for the feedback. While living 400 miles from my Mom there was never any problem. She would occasionally have a meltdown though recover in a few days. I moved here due to her discharge from the hospital being dependent on someone being able to check on her 2x a day according to her social worker at the hospital. Drs confirmed her having dementia back then. Mom decided I would be her sole caregiver and housekeeper. I have a job. I won't be her full time cg. Never said I would. She had a literal 6 month meltdown where she reported to anyone who would listen that I was neglectful and uncaring. She assaulted my ability to take casual jobs (im an inspector) by calling even 30x a day. She would cry and scream, start arguments and make it impossible to carry out work in my home office. She insisted on keeping the office door open during meetings I have online and blare her tv. It was a mess. There was absolutely no way to get away from the constant harassment. She became an emotional bully. Then covid hit...I was stuck with her 24/7 for 2 months before I bought this trailer and moved it onto her property. Solved the problem. Now and then she still has a fit and says she'll get the police to come throw me out. It is only in the moments she becomes frightened about being forced into rehab after her now many trips to the er and hospitalizations that she becomes compliant and sweet as pie about having someone who can watch her and take care of what she cannot.
Horrible...
But in the end, she was never looking to have a partnership in this inevitable slow slide down. She was looking to rekindle the parent/child dynamic but with a twist of me being a maid.
I read what others here are going through and am reminded how lucky I am to have the resources to have made the break w/o losing the relationship.
All her other relatives/friends/contacts have simply broken contact.
I feel sorry for her but in the end, there's nothing I can do but take care of me
This forum has helped me immensely separating what she wants from what she needs.
I feel terrible for those of you who cannot get out of the adult child caregiver role from inside the same home.
I was hoping someone who hadn't thought of it yet would take my getting a trailer and placing it in the yard as good advice. She would be in ltc right now if I had to stay in there with her

A person has to be able to close their own door as the saying goes. You do not have to live in the house with your mother. The situation would be very different if you were actually living with her in the same house.
Your situation being the caregiver to your mother is working out right now because the care is being done on your terms, not hers.
You do not take all of her calls. She cannot get to your trailer on her own. So when you want space, you have it. She cannot berate and belittle you if you're not taking her calls or going over there. She cannot instigate and pick a fight with you if you're not giving her access to.
A situation like yours is the best possible scenario to be a caregiver. Close by that you can be there in under a minute, but far enough away that you don't have to tolerate any of her crap.
It's impossible when you're in the same house.

In Jan 2022, you wrote: "I'm my Mother's sole caregiver, she's almost 83, not able to walk, can transfer from motorized chair to commode, can feed herself, lets the dog out, gets the mail when motivated, etc. There are several things she absolutely needs help with- grocery shopping, dr visits, picking up meds, and veterinary visits for her pet."

What happens if she weakens and cannot transfer from motorized chair to commode? Since she has refused to hire her pre-pandemic help, then what? You note that you "pretend that everything is fine." What's the next step when the pretense no longer works?

We built a 1000sq ft home for my mother, within 100ft of ours. (rural acreage) We each had a key to the others’ house for emergencies. I never had to check on her as, prior to her dementia she would let herself in daily from day one, to bring over the newspaper. Then the visits went from 10 minutes to 3 hours... 4... 5... while she shadowed me and complained. If I didn’t answer the phone, she’d let herself in and, for example, if I was in the shower, she’d pound on the bathroom door. Once she even popped the lock. Or leave me an angry letter if I’d gone to town. If she saw me outdoors, she’d ambush me or try to intercept me on my way to my car. I couldn’t swim, garden or just sit outdoors for years without conflict.

As an only child, I grew up believing children were not entitled to any boundaries. Questioning that led to explosive reactions. But she loved to talk about how respectful she was of the boundaries of others. And rage if someone violated hers.

I knew she was always difficult but nothing prepared me for her exaggerated behaviour from dementia. Nothing was ever enough, no matter how much I did.

Yes, I know I’ll never be good enough. I’ve finally made my peace with that.

My point (yeah, I’m wordy) is that there is no single nor simple solution.

the more I live it the more I appreciate treating my neighbor as I want to be treated. Everybody deserves what small happiness they may find. Knowing I'm empathetic to her will be a treasure someday...

I am glad that you have found what works for you and for your's and your mom's situation. I have often thought that whether "tiny house" solution, or another, living on the same property but with separate premises as long as you are able is perhaps the ideal.

Thanks for posting here because doing it this way may help many others. I think this Forum is somewhat unique in elder care and solutions. I especially love the way you make it "not about checking up on her" but about needing the printer, and etc.

Again, thanks for posting a solution. We get so many more problems than solutions.

What a good attitude. I never had to deal with a narcissist. So, you aren't looking for anything from Mom like confirmation or love. Your just there for when she needs you. You let things roll of your back and don't take them to heart. And, you have your escape route.