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R
reasoa Posted February 2022

Wanted to post an update, in hopes of helping others: Just got my very stubborn mother with mid-stage dementia to agree to assisted living. Here's how...

I posted previously on this, if anyone is interested in reading the history on it. Briefly, mother has mid-stage dementia and lives alone. Super stubborn and has said for years that she never wants to move. No longer drives (because I anonymously reported her to DMV because she was getting lost) and therefore relies on me for groceries, Dr's appts, etc. I'm an only child, single mom, who is doing the best she can to help from across town but it's become super stressful to manage. Got her to sign POA a few months ago before her conditioned worsened.


Today I took her to neurology appt (her 2nd) where the neurologist and I both let her know for about 30 minutes that it was unsafe for her to live alone and that is was crucial for her to move. She was a little testy during the appointment because she felt ganged up on, but we let her know that we are just trying to help her because often those with dementia can't see what others see. We let her know that after this appointment we had a 2nd appointment to go visit an assisted living facility. Unbeknowst to her, earlier in the week we had already been there (under the guise of testing for her primary care doctor) where they had done the initial assessment and SLUMS test. That way they could determine if she was assisted living vs dementia resident. At the assisted living appointment we had same conversations with her, but also did a tour of the facility and specific rooms. We sold it under the guise that her doctor set this up because she's worried about her weight loss, her nutrition, socialization and brain health. She'd be on a "30 day program" and we could evaluate it after the 30 days and see if she'd like to renew. This way it makes her feel that she has some agency in the decision overall and that she can leave after the 30 days if she likes (it's month to month, so it's not entirely a fabrication). We just stayed with the conversation until we got a yes. She seemed to really like the fact that it was month to month and that this program could help her brain and help her feel better (which is SO true because she'll be eating, drinking water and socializing at the very least). She currently sleeps about 20 hours a day and is forgetting to eat.


So as you might imagine I'm so very relieved and happy to have her placed very soon and have all of this caregiving maddness behind me. All of this is such a wild ride. I'm happy to being able to return to being a daughter and not a caregiver.


Hope this helps anyone that might need some ideas.

bundleofjoy Mar 2022
dear OP :),

wishing everything good for you, your mother :).

“I'm happy to being able to return to being a daughter and not a caregiver.”

great!! :) :)

we must all live a full life!! :) :)

———
:) just stating a general comment here, unrelated to your post.

it’s just my opinion:

the decision: stay home vs. facility…is so case-specific. in other words, there are so many factors.

—on the one hand, in some cases, bringing a LO to a facility is really the best thing one can do!

i visited a friend’s dear parent in a facility in japan. amazing facility!! and the mother, very happy. (she was in any case, all her life, an extremely smiley person; always laughing). the facility was super clean, caring.

i visited a friend’s dear parent in a facility in croatia. awful!! very sad. but there was no choice. my friend can’t keep her mother home.
(i’m not saying all facilities in croatia are bad).

—on the other hand, in some cases, keeping a LO home is the best thing to do!

it’s so case-specific.
…where you live (town/city…)
…how much money you have
…how old is the helping adult child
…how difficult is the LO
…what does the LO want
…etc.

———
i personally am not against - all - facilities in the world.

i’m against the facilities where i live (when i say “where i live”, i don’t mean my entire country. i mean, where i live).

but even if the facilities would be great, i would do all i can to keep my parents home. but that’s because, in my case, it’s possible. we can hire caregivers. and my parents are extreeeemely happy at home.

if absolutely necessary, my parents are absolutely willing to go to a facility. none of us, in our family, say “never”. we know, there are many factors. unexpected factors can come up.

———

it’s amazing to read on this website, all the love people give their LOs (whether in a facility, at home, whatever).

you can feel so much love.

you can also feel the huge challenges many of us face, in this rollercoaster of emergencies/helping our (kind or mean) LOs.

———

hugs!
one step at a time.

:) don’t sacrifice your ONE life, health…

live a full life!!! :) :) :)
don’t wait for someone to rescue you.

bundle of joy :)

bluebell19 Feb 2022
Wonderful! I wish we could stop the 'keeping mom at home' madness around here!

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Kmjfree Feb 2022
Great job. I am very close to something like that. Thanks for sharing!

Middlekid60 Feb 2022
Will care centers accept a lengthy video in order to do an evaluation? My mom has late stage dementia and doesn’t understand much of anything anymore. She does not know when I video her…I do it to show her primary care doctor because she is quite the showtimer on appointments but not in general at home with us.

graygrammie Feb 2022
This is great! Thank you for sharing your experience. Hopefully mom is going to love her new life and friends.

Geaton777 Feb 2022
Bravo! Three cheers for you and your creative use of "therapeutic fibs"! May it go as good as possible for all of you on this journey.

cxmoody Feb 2022
Your ideas might just give someone else some hope! :-)

BarbBrooklyn Feb 2022
So glad for you and your dear mom! Thank you for the step-by-step. The month to month idea is wonderful.

Beatty Feb 2022
You have done an AMAZING job!

Now your Mother may not thank you (& as you described, she has lost insight to her needs & situation) but I will.

Others here can read & get ideas for their own situation.

By getting as accurate diagnosis as you can, getting as good advice as you can, finding out what choices are available, using all this for yor plan. Then importantly, taking action. Change CAN happen.

💪👏😊

MargaretMcKen Feb 2022
Great Post! thank you, and best wishes.

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