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I relocated my mother from her hometown to an ALF near me. This was four years ago. My Mom now has stage 4 kidney failure and advanced Alzheimer's. She has been with hospice care for eight months. Now my health is deteriorating and I want to move closer to my children who are three hours away. Should I try to relocate my mother to a new memory care facility or would it be better to allow her to remain? We have no other family in my current area.
In all honesty, I thought my mother would have passed by now. Regardless, I should not delay my relocation much longer. Your opinions are appreciated.

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If Mom AZ is advanced, I would leave Mom where she is and relocate. I suggest you find someone local (a clergy member or someone from church) to check on Mom, weekly if possible.
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I wouldn't relocate her but suggest you relocate for your own mental health.

My mom had vascular dementia, snf wanted her out and I took care of her o. Home hospice. Delusional disoriinted bedridden incontinrnt...... I. Was stressed beyond belief trying to care for her in her own home.. Inherited home but hugely expensive, delapidated, cluttered, high maintenance and property taxes.

BTW she passed away in March 2020, now do not want to live in inherited house.... Very costly.

Realtor suggested too depressing for me to stay here and it is... Even hospital bed still here as remindrance. Move to an apt and he will arrange decluttering and try to sell the house even demolish it sell property.

But to pay for apt, have a dog.. Love her but barks hard to manage ..... And suppose house won't sell?

House taxes maintenance huge and so depressing here..... Nervous breakdown from it all....drained..... No life here.... Don't know where to live affordabley.

Aftee all this..... A mother with advanced vascular dementia, died inherited her hose that I hate huge expenses. Should I have realtor try to sell it even for just the property and get an apt that allows dogs?

Mom wouldn't let me move out of her home to take care of her and downstairs get my own place..... Now stuck with her horrible expensive house high maintenance fees..... Should I find an apt that's reasonable for price and dog and hand house over to realtor?

Worst time of my life..... Caring for demented mom and inheriting her awful house..... She not letting me get my own place but demanding I stay and help her...... Now where to go and what to do.

Narcissitic mother worried only for herself no empathy for me.....
. Now ptsd panic intense depression 66 years old...
Think suicide only way out of it all........ Totally burned out.
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JoAnn29 avatar
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JoAnn29 Sep 2021
Sounds like the house needs a lot of work. You can walk away. Once my Mom was in a NH on Medicaid, I stopped paying taxes. My husband unplugged all the appliances. I kept the heat to 55 but if you winterize real good, you won't even have to do that. I stopped paying the water bill. I had cleaned Moms house out so I left a lamp sitting on a table in the living room and had it on a timer to come on at dusk and go off at 11. Cut that electric bill down. Mom owed 6k to Medicaid. I was just about ready to shut off heat and electric when I was offered 40k that covered the back taxes, water bill, fees, Medicaid ect. The 10k remaining was split between the 3 of us.
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I'm sure you'll feel bad but you should go ahead with your plans to move. 8 months on hospice is pretty long but certainly not unheard of. Does she still know you? Does she have a grip on the passage of time - will she know that she hasn't seen you for X period of time? I think moving her when she may not have long to live is a lot of work and unnecessary stress.
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All residents of any type of facility need a person to visibly check in on their care, making sure all is well. I’d make the decision based on your ability to either find someone to do this in the current place, ability to travel and do it yourself, or need mom close to be able to do it
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againx100 Sep 2021
While this might be ideal, it is not always reasonable. My MIL had to be placed and is not very close to us. With covid, visiting is a real PITA with limited hours and such. Not like the good old days when you could just show up and visit, take them out to lunch, etc. whenever worked for you.
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Leave Mom where she is. You won't be that far away you can't drive once a week to check on her.
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