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SeaMar Posted August 2021

A funny thing happened in the checkout line...

Yesterday, on my 2 hour break from caregiving, I did a Target run. While there, I picked up some turkey and chicken breast for MIL's sandwiches. She's a picky eater and I knew she would like these. While in line, a shopper 2 people in front of me is having a problem. The person in front of me leaves and I social distance from the problem shopper. Now the person behind me instructs me to put my stuff on the conveyor belt to "get the checker to get moving" (her words). I saw that the problem was coming to an end so I put my stuff up. As the checker is scanning my stuff, the person behind me sees the lunchmeat and starts in on me "Do you know how much salt is in those!" I look at her and say "I don't care. She'll eat it" I turn back to the checker. Now noisy Karen, "Well, I hope she doesn't have a heart attack and end up on life support!" I've about had it as I said this is my 2 hour window of contentment. I look her square in the face and reply "That's not happening! She has a DNR! And if you would like to take care of her 24/7, you're more than welcome!" She looked at me and stood back. Bye, Karen!
And before anyone else gets in on me, when we got MIL last year from her "living" situation, she was being starved to death. She has put on 50 pounds, get her meds as she should, has clean clothes and bed to sleep in, is taken out weekly to dinner. I don't think a little lunchmeat is doing any harm.
Meanwhile, I only get 4 hours off a week, have given up all my freetime and let's not even talk about romance.
Sorry for the rant but I know you all would understand.
Have a nice day! LOL!

cweissp Aug 2021
So funny, maybe nosey Karen will think before she butts in the next time.

Sometimes you just have to let it rip.

After a certain age I think it is ok to let the healthful eating to go by the wayside. My mom is 88 but she still get the V8 with low sodium.

Nothing to do with caregiving - i used to have a job working on the road and was only home every other weekend for the weekend. I was returning the rental car heading home for the weekend and for some reason the rental car company wouldn't let anyone check out at the car return and sent everyone to the counter - just think all those waiting to get their planes out on a Friday afternoon having to wait in line. I didn't move fast enough when an opening at the counter came up and some man yelled at me to get a move on - I was verrrry perimenopausal at the time - stressed out because I had a flight home for just the weekend - I yelled back at him to "BACK OFF!"

BTW I have been a cashier/checker in a grocery store and fabric shop. Grocery store first; there was a crochety woman who used to frequent the grocery store. I seemed to get stuck at the 10 items or less line too often and at lunch time workers in the area would stop by for lunch items and of course line up the the 10 items or less line. Evidently I was too slow and the crochety old broad would yell at me from somewhere in the line. Of course early on it'd rattle me and I'd become all thumbs. Everyone in the store - esp mngt would go into hiding when she came in and everyone was always relieved when she'd yell she'd never come to the store again - it meant a few weeks of peace until the other stores made her mad and she eventually show up.

Later when at a fabric store there was a convention going on that the store participated in - it meant we were short handed at the store and a major sale was going on - I was the only cashier. I greeted each customer with "hello" and punched away and got them out as fast as I could - the line was huge - as one customer started getting antsy and complaining. One of the customers told him to shut up she was moving fast and being efficient.

I know i ramble

Lizbitty Aug 2021
Good on you! Lunch meat be damned….

Foolish people simply make fast assumptions and do not even attempt to think about how other people live.

I remember how judgmental I used to be of parents before I had children. I thought I knew everything. How bloody wrong I was! Now I have to frequently remind my friends who don’t have kids (who think they know better) just how very hard it is. As I’m also now a caregiver to my MIL, they STILL think they know everything and are constantly giving me “advice”, but meanwhile they don’t have to live it so they don’t truly understand.

Stupid is as stupid talks, that Karen.

You handled it like a pro.

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Taarna Aug 2021
Hahahaha! She was TMI so you gave her a little TMI. Good on you!

SeaMar Aug 2021
@Rick10 By no means was it a one-sided conversation. In fact, I was ignoring her for the 5 or so minutes leading up to the great salt debate and trying to calm the poor checker down from the other shopper.
To the others about the "Karen" comment, calm down. She was an out and out b**ch, okay? Feel better?

SeaMar Aug 2021
I apologize to all "Karens". My niece is a Karen and I love her to pieces. What I really wanted to call her is rated "R", not "X" as that word I don't use.

Karenhage Aug 2021
Good for you stating your position. We now live in a society that many feel they have "the right" to criticize others at will. I wish more people understood exactly one a two hour "less stress window" means to a caregiver. I bet she didn't take up your offer to assist. Stay strong for yourself.

MargaretMcKen Aug 2021
I was in a supermarket queue, following a woman who was having trouble with her card, and followed by a husband and wife. Husband clearly didn’t do much of their shopping, and started to carry on loudly about how people who couldn’t use technology should stick to cash. After a couple of minutes, I just turned around, looked at him, and said ‘Be quiet’. His wife grinned, he shut up and looked like no-one had ever called him out before! No need to use violence...

mlaura Aug 2021
LOL.. I don't know how old your MIL is, but if you're caring for her, then I think she's old enough to eat whatever she wants! When you get up to a certain age, there's not much you can do that will shorten your life span appreciably (other than say, jumping in front of a bus). My MIL passed away last month, and would have been 101 this month.. she hated vegetables, and loved lemon pie and steak. At her age, there was no reason to deny her those pleasures!

Slartabart Aug 2021
When in Walmart one day about 4 mo. ago, I could see mom was blocking the aisle.
She has gotten unaware of such things. I saw a woman approaching who meant to get through. I turned to mom and asked her to move out of the aisle a little (she was on a motor cart). The woman looked at me as if I had just slapped mom across the face. Scowling, she said that mom was fine, and to “leave her alone”. She continued to scowl at me as she moved past.
i don’t know about your situation, but my mom is still “teachable”. She just needs reminders, and, as long as she is “teachable” I aim to teach her! It’s part of my job as a caregiver. This was mom’s once per month outing to one of the few places that is accessible to her and which offers motorized carts in our small town.
She goes off to shop on her own which she loves. For two hours or so, she can be who she used to be: a shopper! An “independent” woman! Carefree!
JUST IN CASE, these reminders may help in her small adventure, when she’s navigating out there for small treasures. I wish it to be pleasant for her, and not have some yahoo say to her “get out of the way ya old b****”! But I don’t need, either, to hear assumptions and judgments intended to make ME feel like a witch! Some folks just can’t get out of their own misery. Period.
Prioritizing regular time off for yourself can be challenging, but it’s important for you.

NinjaWarrior3 Aug 2021
This is the BEST post I've read in this group!

You're awesome!

EldestdaughterM Aug 2021
GOOD FOR YOU!🤗❤️

KentuckyKareny Aug 2021
Im a Karen and I would never be that rude! Btw Im changing my name - even tho I dont deserve the name stigma- its really not fair to pick on us Karens like that. 😭

Llamalover47 Aug 2021
SeaMar: Imho, you put that overstepper shopper in her place. Kudos! Good grief - I am so sorry that happened to you on your limited hours of free time, but you handled it well. Oh, yeah - it's not your job to get "the checker" (offensive words by the overstepper) moving.

Sendhelp Aug 2021
SeaMar,
I really think that the turkey (not chicken) would be the best item to slap Karen!

Idunno Aug 2021
Aww. Yes it can be hard with a picky eater. I wish people would mind their own business. I don't go nosing through what weird things you buy so why should you go nosing through mine? I'm sure she gives people at convenience stores a hard time too, "oh those cigarettes and alcohol will kill you, make sure you leave the lotto winnings to me cause you'll drop dead with that kind of lifestyle!" Lol. She'd have to write a novel or record a podcast for me if she has an issue with lunch meat, I buy all kinds of snacks for my family.

NavyVet90 Aug 2021
Loved your comeback! I don't know how I would have reacted. Confrontation is a big trigger for me. I don't get out much other than a once or twice a week trip to the supermarket. When I do, I wear my favorite ballcap. It says "Operation PTSD Veteran. Don't Trip My Trigger."
My father was one of the fussiest eaters on the planet. He salted everything to death and used a ton of sugar as well. Honey buns, donuts, 6 spoons of sugar in his coffee and tea. He was always thin and never had high blood pressure. We could never get him to try new things or eat healthy; lifetime smoker too. Towards the end he lived on soup and ice cream. He lived to age 96!

TouchMatters Aug 2021
It isn't about what others they, it is about how we handle it.
While this is about lunchmeat and salt, next time if / when you engage, it could be more serious - for all concerned.

We never know these days what 'activated' people will do (i.e., honk on your horn while driving, someone could get out of their car and pull out a gun . . . or ram into you by going in reverse). With political and Covid stressors on top of it - for everyone - and what you are handling, it would be in your best interest to reflect on how you respond in these types of triggering situations.

You need to 'pick your fights' as someone said to me decades ago.
Please find / create more 'down time' for yourself. You need it - to maintain your own health, well-being, and to continue to care for your loved one.

This isn't a LOL - as you conclude in your post. It is a cry for support / a need to learn how to calm down in triggering situations. Triggering others 'in your path,' whoever that may be may backfire in ways you cannot imagine, besides eroding your own equanimity and mental health.

How interesting in that several hear talk about the other person in line - the Trigger. What is missing is that they do not take into consideration how your stress / anxiety level is affecting YOU.

Gena / Touch Matters

Nanulinda1 Aug 2021
Google , Alzheimers iceberg .. I am seriously considering printing it off to hand to people who have the gall to judge BUT have no clue what Caretakers deal with …

lakin1013 Aug 2021
Why not just say that the sandwich eater is 100 years old? Karen will shut up :-)

rlynn123 Aug 2021
I'd never criticize anyone's shopping purchases. I can also tell you that my mother-in-law ate turkey and chicken from the deli, and she made it to just shy of 100. I'm not saying that the turkey and chicken contributed to her longevity; I'm just saying it didn't do her any harm. I have a funny Target story, which I included in a book I wrote about my husband and I taking care of my mom called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer' and My Dog has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale.” Several years ago, when my mom was in the fairly early stages of Alzheimer’s, we went to Target so I could pick up a few things. I sat her down at the food area, gave her something to nibble, and she was happy as a clam. Just the next week, I needed 1 item at there, so we followed suit. I showed her on her watch what 1:20 looked like. I gave myself 20 minutes to look for what used to be called, in polite company, an unmentionable, in my case, a bra. Ten minutes later I go to check on her, and I see her standing outside, looking a little confused. I call this a "statue of limitations." (The legal term is a statute of limitations, but because my mom was standing there looking like a statue, with Alzheimer’s induced limitations, that's why I thought of that term.) I went outside and said, “Mom, I was going to get you in 10 more minutes. How can I even buy a bra if you’re going to run out the door?” Then I realized that this conservative, private woman that I am, was telling the immediate world (shoppers nearby) of my purchase intentions. When I turned around, I saw a sign that said that Target had audio and visual surveillance, so I was also giving a fearful, tearful earful to the Security detail inside, adding insult to injury. If people say that caregivers as a whole are run down, (especially after running down the street, chasing someone who’s wandering, due to Alzheimer’s), they’d be right on Target.

Kelkel Aug 2021
Gotta ignore people that don’t know you that impose all their assumptions & judgements upon you. I had that happen once 3 months ago. My mom with dementia was fidgeting with the hospital wheelchair to keep herself busy in a waiting room. She’s always hated to wait. A disabled man rushed over & “helped” her angrily as if I was neglecting her. I explained her situation & he sat back down. Her name was called & we went in. We ended up in a 2nd waiting room with you know who there too. He sat there glaring at me without blinking the entire time. I waved & smiled then had to turn my back a bit to him. I’ve sacrificed everything to be her caregiver for 10 yrs now & I know her well. He sees her for a few minutes & has decided he’s the one to judge. It did oddly bother me but I let it go. He really has no idea how long she has been priority #1 in my life & I know she’s as happy as she can be & in good health despite the dementia.

CarynAnn Aug 2021
SeaMar, you are awesome!

Mjlarkan Aug 2021
After your comment, I almost wish someone would try to tell me how to live my life - just so I could unload on them. 👏

SacFol Aug 2021
👍🏼

Chickie1 Aug 2021
Omg, why does she think it's her business?? Bless you for what you do.
No one knows what another person goes through. You're doing a wonderful job. Your MIL is blessed to have you!! (and the Turkey, ha, ha)

NancyRobins56 Aug 2021
You were right in every way.

Midkid58 Aug 2021
Sounds like you have a quick wit and good sense of humor.

I know ONE Karen and she is a true KAREN. Just a total buttinski and has the answer to EVERYTHING. She has been a 'friend' for 50 years and thank goodness I don't have to see her often.

I can just hear that announcement "Cold cut brawl in the self checkout! All associates needed!"

Marili Aug 2021
Bless you and keep doing what you are doing. You seem to have good commen sense. Trust yourself.

paintertr Aug 2021
You were so right to give her a life lesson! Your MIL is at the end of her life, what would be the point of her not having something she enjoys?

InFamilyService Aug 2021
Good Lord what is wrong with people being so nosy and rude?!

I know I am over fighting with my mom, 85, over her diet and eating healthy. I don't need the drama and added stress.
If it is not delivered to her she has a neighbor or her sitter buy certain items for her.

Sounds to me you are doing a wonderful job caring for MIL and she is happy.

You need more time for yourself. Can you hire help?

We all much need breaks, its too much.

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