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Itsjustjules Posted October 2020

I’m new here part 2.

Thank you everyone for all your responses. Here is where I’m at today. She left me a note saying she’s giving me the car. I proceeded to the kitchen and told her we didn’t have the luxury of writing notes. We were going to talk. Asked why she’s giving me the car? “Because I’m moving” ( remember she wants to go to Arizona to visit my Aunt who also has dementia) Me: "When were you going to let me know?” Her : "next month. I’ll pay rent through December”( this is a brand new apartment we moved into in July and she is primary lease holder) Me: "You cant do this mom. I can’t afford to pay for this place alone. I’m also helping my 23 year old son pay bills-he is jobless since this pandemic” Her: "This is not a pandemic and it’s not my problem that you’re helping him” Me: “mom we are family. Your grandson loves you. I love you. You’re making a mistake” Her:... something to the effect that we don’t love her, can’t remember what she mumbled. Me: "Daddy would be so disappointed in you.” Her: "No he’d be upset at you. I’ve wrote down everything you’ve said. It’s elder abuse”


So- to let you guys know I already have POA, along with my son and brother as alternates. I’ve called the landlord, to see what options I have. I've called my brother who told me to let her know she’s leaving me in the lurch and if she leaves there’s no coming back. And I’ve called Dept of Health and Senior Services to see if they can help. Have also called our family Dr and documented all of this. She has an appointment with him tomorrow.
Still am going to look into getting my own place because today was the last straw... but I do have options I think and our Family Dr is backing me up. I’d like to see her have her own place where I can check up on her. If not I’m not sure. I realize a lot of you say Vascular Dementia patients don’t have many years generally speaking. I’m not sure at this point if I can tolerate the same apartment with her. Guess I’ll see what happens at the Dr tomorrow.
Thank you so much for listening!
Julie

AlvaDeer Oct 2020
Jules, So sorry, but with this diagnosis your Mom is a danger to herself. She needs guardianship now imho. It is at the very least time to speak with her doctor about this; without his recommendation and exam by neuropsychiatrist you may not GET guardianship if she fights it. It would be at that point I would step away. You have a family to care for. Need your own home, your own family and to take care of your own nuclear family. If Mom will not let you help her, and the courts will not let you help her, then she will likely crash on her own. At this point she is in grave danger. It will do no good to talk sense to dementia. That is a waste of everyone's time. If she ends hospitalized it is likely that a Social Worker will get you emergency conservatorship or emergency temporary guardianship by a call to a judge in your area in just a hot second. Sometimes, without the cooperation of a demented elder, this is where it has to go to get help and placement. You must feel so helpless; I know I would. I am so very sorry.

Sunnygirl1 Oct 2020
Being responsible for someone who has dementia is very stressful, especially, if they are resistant to care. I’d consider how this would impact your health. She must have trusted you to have appointed you. That gave me the strength to hang in there for my LO, but it is a lot of work.

I’d keep in mind that the difficult behavior is a result of brain damage and not ill will or a desire to hurt you. I learned that it wasn’t personal towards me.

Ref. life expectancy...Vascular expectancy is an average of 5 years, however, there are the exceptions. My LO has mixed dementia with Vascular and Alzheimer’s. She’s end stage and on hospice, but it’s been 7 years since diagnosis. Vitals are still stable. Even though she is extremely thin, I wonder if she has years left. With good care, even people with serious health issues can survive for years.

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Itsjustjules Oct 2020
@funkygrandma59
Thank you! I remembered your post yesterday about how aggressive vascular dementia is. My brother has washed his hands of this, and my grown son is trying to help me figure out what to do. Arizona might be great for her, and me, but the problem is my Aunt also has some type of dementia- being treated with the same med me mom is on. I’m just overwhelmed, today was pure h*ll. I did get ahold of her Dr because she is seeing him tomorrow... wanted him to know what I’m dealing with.I’m trying hard to control my stress level. I have lupus and the stress of all this is not what I need. Just don’t know if I should get into this POA that I am on for her, or try to get guardianship or just let her go?

Itsjustjules Oct 2020
@alcadeer
to the world my mom appears a sweetie. But there is a reason my brother wants no part of this situation. She’s left the car running all night with the key in it. Left the water on in the kitchen, and soooo much more. She is extremely religious and somehow has it in her head my eyes which are dark brown turn black and scare her.

Itsjustjules Oct 2020
@alvadeer she has a medical diagnosis of vascular dementia. My aunt has dementia as well. The lease is in her name and I am co leaser. No way I can pay it all on my own. She told me today it’s not her problem. I’m going to the management tomorrow to see what I can do. There is a waiting list and it’s not likely I could be moved for 4-6 months into a one bedroom unit. She’s not safe to drive- neither is my aunt. My uncle is going to drive with my aunt to come get her. I’ve spent the whole day on the phone and trying to figure out how to proceed. The fact that she doesn’t care that she’s being reckless financially says a lot. Not sure if I should see about getting a guardianship for her, pressing this into court, or just let her go.

AlvaDeer Oct 2020
I am not getting if Mom is considered safe to make these decisions on travel? Or not?
If you cannot pay the rent does that mean that Mom has a lease on this apartment? You may need to move if she doesn't return, OR get a roommate if she chooses to stay with her sister. It is my thought you are going to be hearing from this Sister REAL QUICK.
You say you have POA but unless Mom is diagnosed with dementia it is no good for you to do anything. And if it DOES have a diagnosis of dementia, then she is not safe rocketing around the country on planes. Would be very dangerous indeed. She may require memory care. You say you would like her to have "her own place where I can check up with her". If she has vascular dementia she is not safe in her own place. Needs placement with you or in memory care. Likely the latter. You may need guardianship. POA may not be enough.
For the life of me I cannot tell if Mom is simply a difficult woman planning to move by her sister, or an elder who is markedly confused and unable to handle her own care doing things that are very dangerous.

funkygrandma59 Oct 2020
Vascular dementia is not like the other dementias. It is in fact the most aggressive of the dementias, and the life expectancy is only 5 years. I've done my research because my husband was diagnosed with it, and was also told that by his neurologist. Yes people with other dementias can live for many years, but that is not the case for those with vascular dementia. It's a different beast.

Now all that being said, yes you definitely need to find a place away from your mom. Thankfully she's moving to Arizona. Hopefully those plans won't change. I feel sorry for your poor Aunt, who really has no clue what she is in for. But once she's gone, she won't be your problem anymore, unless you let her be. You can bow out of being her POA if need be, and just let your brother handle things from here on out. I'm sure you are counting down the days until she leaves. I know I would be. Good luck with this hot mess!

And I forgot one of my favorite sayings that I learned from my caregivers support group, and that is "logic doesn't live here anymore" Try not to forget that. It does kind of keep things in perspective.

Itsjustjules Oct 2020
I think I worded that wrong. She has Vascular Dementia and generally survival rate is under 5 years.She approaching the 2 year point. You’re right it’s like a rabbit hole. I told my adult son it’s crazy making stuff, for sure.

lealonnie1 Oct 2020
You can't make sense out of dementia; it's pure 'rabbit hole' stuff that's utterly and completely senseLESS. As you are finding out. I don't know who's told you that dementia patients 'don't have long to live'..........but I will be the first to dispute that heartily. My mother will be 94 soon and has moderate dementia. We saw her at a window visit yesterday and she looks fat and healthy as a horse. Her sister, my aunt, lived with full blown Alz. until she was 96; her other sister with dementia, to 94. When I worked in a Memory Care ALF before the plague hit, we had a few residents over 100 years old, who were still walking around and doing fine in general. A person can live a VERY long life with dementia before it kills them.

What they can't do is live a long life ALONE, independently, because it's unsafe to do so, for obvious reasons. When the executive brain function gets compromised, their decision making abilities go right down the drain. They can start wandering out in the street at 2 am, mixing chemicals together under the sink, all sorts of ugly things.

Your mother may be able to live alone for a short while, but certainly not for the long term. You can get your own place, of course, but you'll have to keep in mind that at some point, she's going to need care. Whether it's at home with care givers coming in daily or in a Memory Care Assisted Living.............one way or another, keep that thought in the back of your mind as you move forward.

Good luck!

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