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DofNPDmother Posted December 2019

Mom's passing and thank you to those who helped me.

My mother passed on December 23rd. She was walking to the door of her own home and fell, sustaining a brain bleed. We rushed her to the hospital and they found she also had congestive heart failure. It had been harder for her to swallow in recent weeks and now we understood more. Her brain would not stop bleeding in ICU and they wanted to put in a feeding tube. That was when I realized that I must carry out my mother's advance medical directive. If her quality of life would not return to her former state (which we were told it would not), then she wanted no feeding tube and nothing to prolong her death. The doctor agreed. We took her home with hospice help but had no idea what that entailed. We stood vigil and gave her comfort care (morphine and other meds) as she slept peacefully until she was gone. It was terrifying. She only opened her eyes for moments in the first days at the hospital, and once at home. But in those moments I sang to her and assured her we were following her wishes. We had to call the nurse in the morning of the 23rd because we did not know if she was still sleeping or if she had passed. Thankfully she passed quickly.


Now I have unbearable grief and loss. I have never experienced anything so overwhelming. I can hardly do anything at all. But I wanted to do this. 


I want to thank those of you (you know who you are) that helped me establish boundaries with my brother when my mother was diagnosed with dementia. (My thread was on Grey Rock) Through that process, my brother and I became a team to care for her. We both cared for her until the end. Now I can care for him without becoming enmeshed. It is all good. Bless you all who supported me. xxx

Shane1124 Dec 2019
Please don’t feel guilty. You were your mother’s advocate and acted in her best interests.
Well done.
And even better, your brother was on the same page.
Imagine how pleased your mother would be to see her children overcome SOME of their differences (it’s not perfection we’re looking for, lol) and working together carry out her last wishes.
You did good imo.
You’ll be feeling many emotions in the next few months but one of them SHOULD NOT be guilt.

DofNPDmother Dec 2019
@Joann29 You are so right. I had no idea what it would actually entail until I had to do it. But it was for the best.

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DofNPDmother Dec 2019
@Onlywhenlucid I'm sorry for your loss. My mother would have progressed through the late stages of dementia if this had not happened, so I know it was a blessing in disguise for her and us. Yet the grief I am feeling is so profound, even knowing that. My husband and I both want to get an advanced healthcare directive for ourselves as well. He was his brother's hospice person until the end (lung cancer). Death can be a process. It doesn't happen as quickly as we would hope. I hope things get easier for you, and me, too.

JoAnn29 Dec 2019
So sorry for your loss. You did what SHE wanted. That is a comfort in itself. She made the decision so u didn't need to.

Onlywhenlucid Dec 2019
Heartfelt condolences for your loss!. I am going through it myself, lost my mother to Lewy Body on Dec/9. You have no idea how lucky you were that your mother left you a plan and expressed her directives.
Our mother did not. She did not want to accept it, so it progressed without her
planning ahead.
May the Lord give you comfort.

Isthisrealyreal Dec 2019
I am so sorry for your loss.

May God grant you grieving mercies and comfort during this difficult time.

Hugs for doing what she wanted for end of life, not an easy journey, Praise The Lord that she made her wishes clear and you were able to follow through. Hugs!

DofNPDmother Dec 2019
Thank you Lealonnie, you helped me.

DofNPDmother Dec 2019
Thank you!

NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2019
So sorry for your loss and all that you have been through. You absolutely did the right thing by following what your mom wanted. It’s completely normal to feel as you do at this moment.

Sending a bazillion hugs your way.

DofNPDmother Dec 2019
Thank you AlvaDeer, I was thinking of you when I wrote this.

AlvaDeer Dec 2019
So very thankful to you for following the wishes of your Mom. So glad you and brother became a team. So very sorry for your loss. May time heal you and leave you with only the good memories.

Geaton777 Dec 2019
Thank you for sharing details of this very personal experience. What a sweet thank you to those who helped. May you be comforted and receive peace in your heart. Blessings.

lealonnie1 Dec 2019
I'm so sorry for your loss. Please take care of yourself during the next few overwhelming weeks as you grieve the loss of your mother. Sending you a big hug and a prayer for comfort.

anonymous912123 Dec 2019
I am very sorry to hear this, be kind to yourself, there is no timeline for grief.

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