How to deal with aging parent who wants to control your life?

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My aging mom is 85 and I do everything for her and I also have 2 kids whom are older, 22 and one almost 18. I am now in a relationship with someone I care for deeply and he stays over my house at times. My mom is freaking out over it and wants me out even though if I do leave she knows she will be able to do nothing without me. I have a brother who really does nothing except come and visit once a week or so. I want a life for myself now because I've put myself on the back burner for so long. One night when my boyfriend stayed or almost stayed she came up to my room and pounded on the door and was saying she wanted me out and just spouting off, I proceeded to sit on my bed for a minute and she went downstairs and started banging on the ceiling with a broom, I then left with my boyfriend after that happened. What do you all think?? It's really hard to deal with and don't know which way to turn. The house by the way is in my name and my brothers also.

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edvierajr, that is so funny. I have twins also but no one moved back in with me. But I know what it is like having "adult children" in the house. You just reminded me of the stress they can cause. You are right about the privacy. Grandma needs hers and daughter needs her too.
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ALLYSON:

Sorry about the typos. I almost feel asleep at the keyboard.
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ALLYSON:

If the house is actually your Mom's, why not get a place of your own place where you can have some peace, privacy, and ... all the other goodies that come with a loving relationship? Your children are grown already and could help you pay for it.

Not that I'm siding with your mom, but when my twin sons graduated college and moved back to NYC with their fiancees "until they found a place of their own over the Summer" I almost ended up in a psych ward. The constant in and out, the moans and groans from the "sexaerobics" down the hall that knocked the plaster off my walls, phones ringing, arguments, and having to schedule time to use my own bathroom and kitchen was more than I could take.

Your relationship with your mother seems symbiotic (co-dependent). That being the case, a woman-to-woman conversation is in order to reach a compromise both of you can live with; and respect each other in the process. If that doesn't work, consider moving somewhere else and let her make her own arrangements. ... If she has the strength to bang on your door and the energy it takes to rule the roost, she can make her own arrangements while you walk into the sunset.

-- ED
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I just assumed that with her age and the fact that the house in already in yours and your brother's name that she had already needed to be cared for due to alz/dementia and some sort of physical impairment. I feel like before I should offer my opinion on your situation it would be helpful to know just exactly why you have taking care of 24/7.
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I'm no expert that's for sure, but I think most people with alz/dementia seem to get fixated on one idea or happening that incites some kind of strong emotional response in their brain. My mother-in-law has been increasingly doing this and i can completely relate to just how strong and how long that reaction can be. I'm going to talk to her doctor about a mild sedative to keep her calm because if we are going to continue to keep her with us, we need to figure out a way to make our home more harmoneous for us all. I'm assuming that you and or your brother have the legalities of your mother's current financial and her ability to make major decisions regarding her health and well-being in order. You need to make sure that you and your brother have power-of-attorney in order to make the medical decisions for her if she has alz/dementia is unable to control her outbursts. Of course, this should always be discussed her doctor and he should be able to see the signs if they are present Good Luck!
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I don't know, I never really thought he was a favorite but I do think lately my mom doesn't realize what she's doing half the time. I think back on that stuff though and can't figure out why now what i'm doing is so wrong. Maybe she just doesn't plain down and out like my boyfriend, I have no answer but I am afraid that she may break up the relationship that i have and I would be mortified because I do really care for this guy. Thanks for your input ;)
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allyson555, Your Mom let your brother live with his gay boyfriend in her house but is causing you a lot of grief. Sounds like a little of the "son" syndrom I have in my family. He can do no wrong and do nothing at the same time and still be OK with her. Was he Mom's favorite? In my family my brother is a really nice person, but he can do no wrong and is the only one with any brains, etc. etc. What is with that?
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Does your mom have Alzheimer's? Does she still go back in time in her brain to when you were younger? That might explain why she behaves the way she does.
I totally understand. I am in my mid 40's and my mom is behaving htis way and my dad had a stroke. AND I have my kids. I feel like I am losing it. Nobody else is willing to step up and help. I don;t know how I am gong to handle all of this, either. I am on depression meds to help ME cope.
I am looking at adult dya care and home health peple to come in becuase I am so ready to call it quits. I also have a fulltime job and a boss who says he understands but he really doesn't. It's my family you know? But I still have to pay for everything. I don't know how much more of this I can take, but I have to keep on plugging along.
I need time for me and I feel guitly about it. People say I shouldn't but I do. Your brother should come over with his partner and provide you a break. You deserve it.
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To answer back to those of you who do see it as inappropriate with my boyfriend staying at times, my brother did used to live here in my mom's home with his gay boyfriend and she let that happen so I don't feel that what I've done is so much more wrong?? I have pretty much put my life on the back burner for my mom and my kids and I feel I need space and time to myself now and I think she should let me have that time without acting crazy about things. Thats my take on it.
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Are you in her home? Even as adults we should honor our elders wishes, as best we can. My mother would see this "behavior" as sinful. This would cause a lot of distress to your mom.

Get your brother or one of the grand kids to spend the night occasionally so that you may have time for yourself. Spend time with your boyfriend at his place, or get a hotel.
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