How do I accept the fact that my mother uses her will to try and control what my 67-year-old sister and I?

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My father passed away at 85 six years ago and my mother who is now 86 still lives in her large home with pool because she can't get rid of anything - she is very materialistic. I have been there for her to assist her but she doesn't trust me to help. Both prents were very much controllers or tried all their lives to control my sister and I using their trust saying that they will give their money to this charity or club instead of to my sister and I. My mother has never said I love you or I'm proud of you to my sister or me. She is verbally abusive to both of us all the time. I finally said that's it and blocked her from my phone so I don't have to put up with the abuse. I feel guilty and that's exactly what she wants. We were told that we are there to help and do as they say. At 64 years old I am tired of being treated like child. I quit. I'm divorcing my mother at 86 years old.

Answers 1 to 10 of 22
Hey, hard place to be. There are multiple threads about narcissistic parents, controlling parents, or abusive elders here with support websites and books that you can read. The Love of Money, or the Control of Money, can make people do some unpleasant things. The same qualities that make good caregivers can also make us vulnerable to other folks. You might consider looking up information on a condition called codependency - there are support groups to help folks like you (and me!) find healthier relationships and set boundaries. My opening statement at my father's funeral was "You can't make somebody love you the way you want them to - you either accept that they love you the best that they can or you get on with your life". Good luck with your decisions, Helen
Top Answer
It is so easy for someone to say to you, "just write her off." However, when a parent is in our care they will somehow always end up being our responsibility. Added to that are those parents who spend their lives attaching strings to their loved ones. What a waste of their time on this earth.
I think it is perfectly healthy for you to set boundaries and get yourself in a better place in order to deal with this woman. Shift your role from daughter to care "manager." That way you can make objective decisions but not be tied to her psychologically. Once she sees that you are treating her humanely but not in a dependent manner, she will no longer have control over you.
Everyone says that you cannot become a victim without your permission. However, children who have been indoctrinated all their lives do not know where to cut the ties. Their parents have done a good job making them feel guilty for any act of independence they exhibit. In adulthood the "carrot" is the will, money, property, etc.
Let your Mom know that she has every right to do as she pleases with her money, because she can't take it with her.
Sounds like you are on top of things...make choices for humane reasons and let her keep the drama to herself.
good luck
Try taking a vacation from your mother. That sounds strange, I know, but it may give her the understanding that she is not the center of your world and cannot control you. I agree with your decision to tell your mother to do whatever she wants with her money. Money can make you miserable and being free of stress can make you much happier. If you feel guilty,you can look after your mother from a distance.She can depend on family/social services. Another choice might be that you can have a checklist of items that need to be checked each week and try to pay someone for an hour's worth of work to check on those issues. If there are problems, your mother can seek the help for solving them. Many people in their eighties are very capable of looking after themselves but still like to treat children as puppets if that has been their lifelong habit. Try to take your vacation first and then set up your own ground rules for any interactions you have with her. Holidays are not a requirement, and the Dept. of Social Services can help her as she gets older. There are many of us who have dealt with toxic parents all of our lives and understand your feelings. Hang in there!
KALE:

If the trust is worth sacrificing your dignity and self-respect, then don't say anything and let Mommie Dearest keep treating you like a cockroach. If the money isn't that big of an issue for you, Mrs. Meanie would have to make other arrangements to dump or tear someone else down so she can feel better about herself. Do, however, keep in touch here and there to check up on Dad and lay the groundwork for boundaries that you'll have no problem enforcing consistently without feeling guilty. Good luck.

-- ED
Divorce her by stop buying into her emotional blackmail which is the title of a great book by Susan Ford. Your mother and my mother in law sound like twins.
Tell your mother when she dies you're turning her house into a homeless shelter.
MAGNUM:

Emotional blackmail. ... Short, sweet, concise, straight to the point. It is what it is, and I couldn't have said it better myself dear brother.
"When someone tells you who they are...believe them." This is a quote I repeat over and over when my mom pulls that manipulative strategy on me.

By trying to control everyone with money she has shown that she is shallow and matrialistic. She also showed that she has no faith in her childrens ability to do the right thing on their own...so she has to bribe and blackmail.Fear not love runs her life...

She has trained me well...to be a caregiver and caring person...and she did it so that I would be her insurance in her old age. The only thing she didn't count on was my having developed a deep sense of justice ...and that lies unfold as time goes on.

I discovered that her "love" for me was not love at all, but fear for her own comfort. Had she truly loved me...as I love my daughters, she would have let me live out my dreams instead of crushing them with mockery and judgment. If she had truly loved me she would have wanted my independance so that I could willingly and freely care for her , instead of being a tyrant and misusing her role as mother. She held control by holding her will and assets over my head like a whip. Having lost all respect and trust for her I now was left to make an important decision.

I had to decide on caring for this abusive and imposing being who happened to be my mother, or leave her to her own fate...which was what my two brothers wanted. They who had been given all the freedom and attention I would have sold my eyes for...were now rejecting and turning their backs on her out of spite.

It has been a journey in forgiveness and tolerance. It has been over seven years and all of my free time is spent supervising her housekeeping, her live-in aids, her doctor appointments, her bills, her home repairs, her hair cuts, her comforts. How do I do it? I drew up a contract of employment.

After the first few months, when I saw what it would involve, I spoke to an elder lawyer who helped me draw it up. I presented it to her and my brothers. I draw weekly salary and am paid directly from the pool trust from her reverse mortgage. There will be no money after she dies...and at least this way I have part time income for work I did for free all my life.

The point was, this is my mother. Would I not do it for a stranger if asked of me? Since my answer was yes, and this was a personal challenge, I decided to grab the bull by the horns and be the daughter I would have liked to have..just because it is the right thing to do. Not the smart thing, just the right thing for me...for now. I would not have been able to face myself in front of my maker otherwise.

I hope some of what I said helps. Good luck. in your adventure with aging.
Tilda
Sounds like you're drawing some boundaries, which is great. Only you can assess whether you can stay within the boundaries or whether you will have to sever ties to your mom. None of us can know your life. I would add to the wise counsel of others here that I believe you have absolutely no control over whether you will receive any money from your mother. So if that promise keeps you hanging around, forget about it. I believe an abusive person could well make their last abusive act the disinheriting of their lifelong objects of abuse. But I freely admit that as a person who did not have abusive parents, I can't know your path completely. You sound like an intelligent, capable person. Do what you believe to be best and try your hardest to lose all guilt. Good luck.
I am very sorry you feel the need to divorce your mother at age 86. You and your sister have to stop buying into her emotional blackmail. The two of you should tell her how you fell about her and that you will be there to assist her as needed. But neither of you will stand for any further verbal abuse. When she starts just say you love her but refuse to be treated that way and leave.

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