With the all the horror stories on here, why would anyone be a caregiver?

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Granted, the nature of this site means that we will always hear more about the bad cases. Someone from a functional family with a good caregiving situation would have no reason to post here.

But. There are A LOT of horror stories. So many that I think they are more or less the norm.

I'm inclined to think that no one should ever take up significant caregiving responsibilities without having full PoA, and getting whatever inheritance they expect UP FRONT. And no one should quit a job to caregive unless their financial situation truly enables them to do it safely.

And that's just the financial angle. If the family dynamics are such that you, the prospective caregiver, are not likely to get support from relatives (or worse yet, be attacked and manipulated by them), DON'T DO IT. Relative should be told by the care-receiver, in writing, that the care-receiver's assets will be used to fund care, and that IF there is anything left, MAYBE they will get an inheritance. But they are must keep their face-holes shut about it if they want to get anything at all.

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I grew up in a culture where the young took care of the old. Even as a 20 year old, I thought to myself, I will never put my parents into a nursing home. Both my parents grew up poor and I know they sacrificed a lot for us kids. My parents did what they could for us. It sure wasn't easy.

When I was older and finally had a good job, I tried really hard to make things easier for my parents. I never wanted them to feel abandoned. It wasn't easy and there is still lots of anger and resentment but I hope they know I tried because I wanted to show my love for them.
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I would like to say, I did it purely out of love. My brother became ill when mom diagnosed with alzheimers and kept telling me he was leaving 160 thousand for mom, but his wife could change the will. I knew then I was screwed. My sil snd I had words 6 months before this when she straightened up my moms silverware( plated ), took what she wanted and saved the rest for me. My mom never had anything because she raised us on her own and dome spoons from England, where she was from held dome sentimental value for me. When I asked my brother for them I was cussed out because he was sticking up for his wife. Long story short, when brother passed, I didn't get a penny or any help from sil. My mom got 1000 month social security and no inheritance for me.Believe me it cost more than that for me to get sitter now and then. Pay for ensure, diapers,etc.Besides no physical help, no emotional support. There are ones like me that do it out of love. I don't care how good the nursing home looks, there is abuse. I took care of her for 4 1/2 years and would do it again.
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I have no idea why some older people (like my dad) are (were) patient, non-demanding and grateful and others are expecting care at the drop of a hat, are bitchy/blaming and impatient.

The "greatest generation" (our parents) seem more self absorbed because they were told they were wonderful. They seem like everything's owed to them. I think my dad was the unusual one.

However, we have a right to live our lives also and not buy into the guilt that is slung like mud because we haven't filled their request.

Caregiving can be exhausting especially when dementia is involved. There are very few c/g's that can keep "taking it" and never complain about it.

We also come here to find solutions to our problems. Many of us have had less than wonderful (or even good) childhoods yet the responsibility of elder care falls in our laps.
We can't be superhuman and smile and do everything for a parent who could have cared less for us. Then to suffer the physical/verbal/mental abuse (dementia-or not) makes the job intolerable.

I'm not going to feel guilty for venting my feelings to others who completely understand. That's what this forum is for.
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Because they cared for you when you were young and you loved them. Sometimes situation called for it and you have no choice. Sometimes what goes around comes around.
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If I look at my family and the stories on here - people are venting because they have a stressful and bad situation and that is what we often read. And this website is a lifeline to them. In my family - it really depending on the nature of the individual being cared for. My grandparents generation were all wonderful - they chose assisted living themselves, they didn't burden their kids with care but said "please, thank you". There was a lot of consideration and respect for other people. My grandparents and husbands grandparents lived between 88 and 100 years - so many years where they did need help. They tended to use the facilities available in assisted living for cleaning, meals, trips to doctors, etc. I was in high school when my grandmothers were in assisted living/nursing home. They worked wit me for grocery, medicine delivery - around my schedule and just enjoyed playing cards with me or we would knit together when I visited them in nursing home.

Now my parents generation are HORRIBLE. My inlaws, and my parents ALL refuse to discuss any consideration of assisted living - they range in age from 75-82 and are in their houses - stairs, yards, long drives to doctors etc. They all make huge demands on our generation's time for yard work, house cleaning, driving them when they don't feel comfortable, snow removal, etc - basically expect us to be indentured servants. An attitude that makes me want to scream.

We are always in the dog house for saying "no" and that we will help with tasks for which there are no existing services - so "NO, I won't wash your windows - there are services that do that". Heaven help us when their health really starts to fail. My dad is killing my step mom because he fights with her EVERY week EVERY Monday and Wednesday when respite care comes in and is a demanding, controlling inconsiderate man demanding that they stay in their big house when she is desperate to downsize - she is doing all of the cleaning, yardwork, maintenance AND taking care of him 24/7. I did my monthly care giver weekend last weekend so am wound up because I had 48 hours of this - what she endures 24x7.

I think a lot of the horror stories come down to caregiving for horrible people. Bless all of you out there who do it.
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This is my first time here and I'm starting to think something is wrong with me.....I am 42 yrs old andy dad and myself cared for my mom until she passed in 2011. She had c.o.p.d. and was on full time oxygen for 10years. She also suffered from depression and severe anxiety, I am the only child and couldn't of asked for better parents. They were married 42 years ,my dad worked at the local lumber mill for 23 years ,6 nights a week to make sure we were well taken care of but mom was the one who held everything together..I have a almost 21 year old son and we are all very close..watching her go through everything and knowing I was the one that knew how to get her through the panic attacks,I was who made her feel better just by being there, she was my mom and she needed me. Mom couldn't leave the house without taking medication ,making it almost impossible to keep Dr.appt. she was also was a co2 retainer ..the time came when we would call the ambulance at least weekly, I was so scared and upset that I didn't want to ride with her,but I DID,, I didn't know how to take care of my self,let alone everything. But I learned,or at least did my best...
I read all the stories and don't understand.. these people don't want to have someone else taking care of them. They don't want to be apart of a horror story..it's sad..
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I care for my grandma knowing no one else would care for her so lovingly as I do. My sister wanted to place her in a home and still wants to. My mom has passed away so she can't help and there is no one else to help. Is it hard? Second hardest thing I've been doing in my 37 years of being on his earth. Being second to watching my mom die of cancer while holding her hand last month. But I at this point of my life and her life, wouldn't have it any other way. No one else would get up every 20 minutes when she has a UTI to make sure she gets what she needs which is being taken to the bathroom each and every time she requests even if it's every 20 minutes in the middle of the night. No one else would notice her highs and lows of diabetes and keep her sugar in tact through meals if need be just to avoid her being poked with needles making bruises. No one else would spend hours trying to talk to her to explain things knowing it's useless.

There are some good days (rare) and some terrible days but it's what I feel the calling to do. My mom and I had agreed to do this while she was alive and even after mom has passed leaving my devastated (despite my mom saying she had one regret which was not placing grandma in a home for me knowing i couldn't do it), I want to make sure she has the best care. So I will continue to do all night long bathroom breaks catching sleep here and there when I can. I will continue to take her to the doctors for UTIs, pain management and anything else she needs even if it's once or twice a week visits. I will continue to make sure she is bathed, clean and as healthy as I can even if she protests and it means me cleaning up pee and poop as she has accidents sometimes. Caregiving is hard. It's not for everyone but I will continue until I can't anymore and hopefully that doesn't come until after she gets so sick she passes away gently without pain at the house the way she wishes.
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The OP is nothing but a troll. She doesn't even do caregiving.

I did it because I had wonderful parents, I miss them.

This is nothing but an attack on caregivers.
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ive served in the military , raised a family of two good sons , built two homes , muscle cars , custom trucks , motorcycle trikes , a fairly successful small business , and won the respect of people in multiple counties , but by far the most rewarding thing ive ever done was caring for my demented mom and more recently my beloved aunt . two sentences drove me . one from my mother ; " i feel safe with you because you have a spine " , the other from aunt edna " i just feel safe with you " .
no dementia caregiving isnt easy , nothing worthwhile is . id do it again in a minute and in fact would do it for a living if the opportunity presented itself . im good with the demented . i follow their lead and listen to them . no pressure , no role reversal . i give them back the control that others try to take from them .
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Yes, I am poa for my mom.and believe me no inheritance, assests,etc and this could go on for a while with alzheimers. I am single no children siblings husband no one. I do this because I love my mom and know how nursing homes are.. I am retired nurse and don't know if I have enough funds for my future, although I have saved and lived frugally. Brother who passed had about one million and left it all to wife, although bragging he was leaving 20 percent for mom, . nothing I can do.
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