For those that haven't read my profile, I'm an only child and my parents immigrated to this country, where I was born. I know that we're all going to die but growing up I wasn't exposed to the aging process. I heard of my friends' aging loved ones breaking their hip, having memory problems, etc, but I never saw it. And I'd never buried anyone or attended a funeral.
My father was the most important person in my life. When he became ill with advanced cancer, I dropped everything to move back home to care for him while also caring for my mother, who had her own set of issues and couldn't step in to do the normally accepted spousal caregiving role. I was it. All me. Taking care of both parents. I was a 24/7 machine - and still going. When my father was alive, we didn't talk about his death as everything was done to save his life - he refused to be a DNR and what happened to him was a real mess. I'm still having nightmares from seeing and vicariously living through his suffering while I was advocating for his medical needs.
Now that he's gone and it's just me and Mom. I still don't know how to really process that he's just a skeleton buried six feet underground. You know I mean?? I don't know to process that once he was here and now he's not. I know Mom will pass someday and I have the same thoughts regarding her passing. Now I'm in a rush to not only care for Mom but to also get my affairs in order so I can purse my goals and dreams after Mom passes away. I view taking care of parents was the speedbump-from-hell in my quest for living a full life.
I'm just wondering have you all thought about what's it like when you're actually "gone". Are you scared? Sometimes I am and sometimes I'm not. My greatest fear is that I won't be able to experience life and won't have anyone to share this experience with.