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Some of you may remember me ... I've been around here from time to time over the past few years. I quit my career, sold my home, dumped most of my furniture and moved 200km to care for my evil narcissistic mother, aka "Mommie Dearest or MD" for four horrendous years until she went into a NH almost 3 years ago (Parkinsons, strokes and dementia). Due to her daily screaming phone calls and on the edge of a nervous breakdown, 18 months ago I changed my number and made it unlisted. I've also ensured she doesn't have my address or she'd be sending the cops around ... control freak.

I have visited regularly, taking juice, bottled water, chocolate and kleenex. Never knowing whether she would be calm and out of it or throwing a nasty screaming tantrum, by the time I visited I was so worked up I was in fight or flight mode.

I haven't seen a doc in years as all they do is push meds on you but, now living out here in the country I recently signed on with a doc at the local hospital. He's totally different and quite the character and he actually listens!

First and second appointment my blood pressure was very high (wonder why?) and he sent me for an EKG and blood tests. This morning I went back and my BP was still far too high.

I explained to him the nightmare of MD I've been going through for a lifetime (knocked me about and put me in a hospital when I was 6 and it never got any better after that). He said "Get rid of her asap, these old narcissists (his word, not mine) just refuse to die but hang on to make anyone and everyone miserable".

I broke into tears. I guess I always knew I should get rid of her for.the sake of my health and sanity but I guess I needed that validation. Physical issues can be dealt with in some way but how do you deal with crazy? You can't talk to crazy and you can't reason with crazy, just take the abuse they hurl at you.

I go back for a recheck in four weeks and we've agreed I will not visit MD in that time. If BP is still high it will be controlled with meds. Good news I have no signs of diabetes or high cholesterol. My mother has had many strokes, her sister died of stroke and her mother dropped dead with a stroke so I'm a great candidate to go the same way.

Bash me if you wish but, at this point, it's my life at stake and I must regain my health and sanity.

MD had the best of everything life long, exotic vacations, big houses, new cars, spoiled rotten but nothing was ever good enough ... I swear her treatment of my poor father put him in an early grave. She's close to 90 now, barely able to speak or sit up, bed ridden, and still wailing for someone, anyone, who will take her into their home, clean, cook meals to order, do laundry, carry her to the bathroom (if she hasn't soiled her diapers first) and generally wait on her hand and foot 24/7/365 ... for free of course!

Please know I'm not looking for any sympathy, just posting in the hope that my experiences might help someone along the way. You have a life left to live. You've done all you possibly can and then some ... you have to, throw the poison under the bus, have no regrets and get on with your life..

Dog Bless you all ... and no, that's not a typo. Without the love and loyalty of my beloved dogs I doubt I would be alive today.

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Since we're handing out free advice, I'd buy a blood pressure cuff (I already have one and check mine frequently, even though it's normal) and I'd go whole foods, plant -based in my diet. Nothing will bring your pressure down faster than getting animal products out of your diet or cutting down on them as much as you can. (I've been a vegetarian for 48 years and am about the only one my age I know who doesn't take blood pressure meds. I start Medicare next month when I hit 65).

As for your mom - a big hug from me for taking care of yourself! You deserve it. And let us know how you're doing. You'll be a beacon of hope for others facing similar circumstances.
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Many times a patient who has normal blood pressure will have high blood pressure while at the doctor's office.... it's called white coat syndrome.

I always had higher than normal blood pressure but no pills were prescribed until one day I had a heart fib that wouldn't stop, that was one scary day.... had to quickly be sent to a cardiologist the same day to see what was going on. It wasn't until after some test were run that she prescribed blood pressure pills.... boy, those pills would really zone me out until they were adjusted.
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Since you didn't ask for advice, I'm going to give you some. Your doctor is wrong. He should have immediately medicated you for your high blood pressure. Very little down side . . . Risking a stroke. New studies have shown that even slightly elevated blood pressure can precipitate a stroke.

It's much more important than, "Let's see if your BP comes down if you don't see your mother for a month." I'm very surprised a doctor would even say that.

I love that you feel comfortable in your own skin writing off your toxic mom. It's hard to do, but sometimes it's the only answer.
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Ashlynne, my parents never took care of their own parents, either, and they said it was due to the long distance. Thus they never experienced what I am going through now. Dad never needed to take time off from work to drive his parents to the doctors, etc. Or had to go to the house to shovel snow, do yard work, get groceries 52+ times a years, etc.

My grandparents had a lot of children, lot of daughters-in laws, son-in laws, a ton of grown grandchildren all who could help out who lived in the old home towns.

Dad doesn't understand that for his and Mom's case, I am it.... only child with no children. I look around and there isn't anyone to hand the baton to to help me out.

I know I am ready to find a new primary physician who can use eastern and western ideas on how to coup. I also don't like using meds to deal with problems. If wearing garlic around my neck helps, I would do it :)
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Ashlynne - good for you! I hope that your days keep getting better and better.

It was probably a really hard step to take, but it's going to give you your life back, well, no. . . . you never really had it did you if she's been like this since you were small? So, I guess I should say: Welcome To Life. It looks like you and the dogs are going to be just fine ;0)
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Way to go. Few are able to cut off an evil parent. And when there are siblings the damage and horror is exponential as various 'sides' are taken.
You have found a good doc, hang on!!! Very few out there seem to have common sense anymore. Long life and good health.
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Thank you all for your kind comments. Day 1 and I'm feeling a bit better already. We had scrambled eggs and bacon for lunch ... yes "we", dogs too :) Cool and windy here in SW Ontario today and we're going to treat ourselves to a nap.

Freqflyer it's odd isn't it. MD's mantra was that everybody gives up everything to care for their parents to the end yet she would never lift a finger to help her elderly parents. She lived around the corner, refused to take her able bodied father in and stopped speaking to him in 1975 when her mother died but now wonders how he's doing? He'd be about 120 by now. She has no idea whether her parents were buried or cremated or tossed out with the trash. When her mother died (dropped dead) she just walked away. Grandpa went to live with MD's brother who lived next door to MD and they hadn't spoken since I was a child. Dysfunctional family anyone?

She's not really alone though ... she has a phantom cat and there's a man who sleeps under her bed. Aaaack! I'll keep in touch!
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Ashlynne... wow, it is good to see you post again!!

Nothing wrong at all with putting yourself first and keeping yourself just that, first. There is nothing to bash about, nothing to feel any guilt about, more like doing the happy dance for you.

May Dog Bless You Too as much as mine do for me.

Go girl!
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I sure hope your candid post inspires someone else.

Sheesh! Where is the edit button?
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I sure your candid post inspired someone else in a similar situation to break loose!

The book my club is discussing Saturday is "An Irish Country Doctor" by Patrick Taylor. It has nothing to do with narcissists or caregiving, but it is a delightful story of a good but unconventional doctor. You might enjoy it, if you like fiction.
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That's quite a doctor you found! Good for you. Cut that women out of you life and if anyone bashes you for it let me know and I'll take out back and..........Write a rally nasty comment about them!

BTW, did you hear about the agnostic guy who was also dyslexic? He wasn't sure if there really is a dog.........
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Ashlynne, good advice from your doctor... follow it, and let us know the outcome after four weeks [I really think it will take more time].

My folks are easy going, but the stress of them still living in their single family home is wearing me very thin. I can't get them to move to a more elder friendly environment... of course they won't because their siblings all lived at home until the very end, so did their parents and grandparents. They can't break tradition. But I will :)
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I have not had it near as rough as you but I am also a child of a narcissist. I have had to go NC from the nursing home for 78 days now. It got so bad that I would shake and feel like I was going to pass out. That is not me at all. I skulk around and talk to the head nurse, the center director or the med.supervisor at the NH to check on well being. I feel incredibily GUILTY! BUT nobody has yelled at me, called me names or accused me of anything for 78 days. And I feel better, so much better.

My father would enjoy it so much better if I came around so that he could verbally assault me and get his "narcissistic supply". He is surrounded by young health aids and nurses he can flirt with and such. He really does not need me.

You need to look after your own health. There is some AMAZING advice on this site on setting up boundaries with narcs. Hug your dog, go for a walk outside, breath and stop beating yourself up. You need to do for YOU now. Take care!
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