Help, my Mother doesn't know who I am!

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I am Mom's only caregiver, have 4 siblings that do not help. She thinks I am someone else, she thinks I am lying to her all the time. She has dementia, but the last 2 months has gone down fast. I am referred to by her as THEY. She wanders where I am when I am sitting next to her, I have cared for her for 3 years 7 days a week. She hit me hard last nite when I was putting her gown on her. She tells me to go find that daughter that takes care of her. I am at my wits end, I need answers. The doctor put her on the Exelon patch thursday but she is worsening every minute. One of my sisters called her this AM and she whispered to her to call the police to get me out of there. She has completely lost it. I need advice.

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I know this post is over 7 years ago but I am just interested in how things turned out.
My situation is practically exact other than my mum now 90 is nursed in bed due to leg trauma.
Please could you let me know
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Rsanford, my heart goes out to you. What an awful development! It sounds like you are handling it as well as it can be handled, but it must be very painful. Hang in there!
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I know this is an old discussion but I thought it would be appropriate. My mom had a major meltdown today, maybe partially due because we're been planning a move to assisted living.My mom thinks I am her husband/my father. Apparently there is bad history between my now deceased dad and mom. She is so angry at me (her husband in her eyes) now which, yelling and screaming. This is so bizarre. She is being so hateful to me(dear old dad). Yes, I know it's the disease. I never though I'd have to deal with her repressed anger from 40 years ago. I just leave the room when she starts the tirade.
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Luv, I can only say that it's a progression and that I think it's the scariest thing we have to deal with as caregivers and children mostly. I was hysterical when I realized mom no longer remembered me at times although it came and went. I have ABSOLUTELY no words of wisdom for you here but I do empathize greatly and I know that you are hurting. I only wish for you peace during this time. Hugs.
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georgi, your post really illustrates well that drug reactions are highly individual. What works for one is dangerous for another. I am so glad that your mother's doctor was willing to keep at it until something that works was found. I'm glad your mother is at least not vilolent now -- and I'll bet at some level she is glad, too.

I am very sorry for your losses, georgi. You have lost the mother who was proud of you earning your Master's Degree; the mother who knew how hard you worked; the mother who was very clear about who you are. These losses are all very sad. And they are not officially acknowledged. There is no little notice in the paper. Old friends do not call you up and offer condolences. No one brings casseroles or flowers. You are in mourning, but no one has died. It is indeed heartbreaking.

Other caregivers of persons with dementia understand your continuous unofficial losses. Come here and share with us.
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LU
My mother was placed on the Excelon patch twice and went CRAZY both times. The doc said "Take it off." Will never use it again. My mother sometimes doesn't remember who I am. It goes away soon after. She thought she was waiting for her hairdresser tonight, OMG, it was me. She calls me my sister's name quite often and I just think that all that I've been through, I've got older looking in the past three years, so I probably do look like her a bit. She also says mean things to me like I've never worked a day in my life and meanwhile I have a Master's degree and have been working continuously since I was 16. WOW. She doesn't remember these things. I've had a horrible weekend. I try not to take things personally, since I know it's "THE DISEASE" speaking, but I can't help but do take it personally and it hurts :-( My mother uses her nails as a weapon and digs them into my hands. She, if I can remember had done this when I was a child. She also, as I mentioned uses her walker as a weapon. She was recently placed on Respirdone 2.5mg twice a day. I know it has a lot of bad side effects with some people, but the violence and verbal abuse thank god has stopped. I sometimes have to give it 3 times a day when the HHA is here. But the Excelon patch does have some bad side effects that eventually go away if you live long enough. It doesn't calm the person down, it is used to slow the disease process. I truly don't believe it does, as Namanda made my mom worse and I was told to stop it immediately. Resperdone, small dose does help.. Please stay safe. I lock my knives in the diswasher, which she does not know how to open. I leave the apartment when she flips out and come back in about 10 minutes and there she is sitting with a smile saying "Where have you been hunny?" Sweet as ever. Oh it is so heartbreaking and I am not strong enough for it. I need my own life ASAP.BTW, "They" are always around and seem to buy the food, soap, and everything else. I ask her who they are and she tells me "the ones that own the apartment." YIKES. Mom is going downhill pretty fast and I think it's from lack of exercise,and doing things, this is why her life needs to change for the better and it's not a nursing home I pray. I pray they accept her in the ASL in Florida. I have my plans made. I can live with her and my two dogs free for a while and maybe try to get a job and apartment down there. I want her to make friends?? and enjoy the rest of her short life. SOB SOB. SHe's not the mom I remember and then sometimes she is. But I'm not the same person I was three years ago, smiling having fun. I am miserable as can be. I am so happy to find this wonderful group of people. Stay safe everyone. Mom and dad really don't mean to be bad people, their minds are so messed up and they don't even remember from one moment to the next. Georgi
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notmydaughter, dementia is a devastating disease not only to the person who has it, but also to their loved ones. It is not "fair." It is not "reasonable," it is not anything we can anticipate and prepare for.

My husband was a very successful mechanical engineer, specializing in manufacturing design. Believe me, these professionals have extremely good spatial concepts. If I'd ask him to estimate how wide a ribbon was he'd say 5/32" -- and he'd be right! I always let him put leftovers away -- I never could guess the right size container. If I were shown a list of possible symptoms of the disease he developed (Lewy Body Dementia) and told that not every person with the disease experienced every symptom, the symptom I would least expect him to show would be visuospatial problems. Imagine my shock the first time I realized he could not figure out how to get into bed so that his body fit between the headboard and footboard!

That your mother, a kind, intelligent, caring woman cannot now recognize one of her daughters is equally shocking and perhaps more devastating. There doesn't seem to be a correlation between what kind of people they were and what symptoms they have. You can see glimpses of your real mother when she tries to do the proper thing and acknowledge you are her daughter, even though that does not seem reality to her.

Your mother's particular symptoms are NOT YOUR FAULT. And they are not her fault. This is a disease, and concepts of blame or guilt or fairness just don't apply.

I am so sorry for your loss, and the other losses you will experience in the days ahead, before the final loss. (I'm sorry for mine, too.) Cherish each moment of joy you can experience with your mother, whether she fully knows who you are or not.
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I agree with some of the others, it is time to put her into a memory care facility. I know it can be hard but you have to do what is best for her and you
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Thanks!! I was talking on the phone to her before moving mintes from her to help.. I got some feeling she was confused by me but thought well she probly is in a state that it comes and goes.. Not until i arrived to visit on our visits to look for our home close to her did i see it in person. Still thinking.. Must come and go. When i became more hands on with her daily did she spring on me. Who are you that you know so much about me and my family. I set stunned...... I felt like i was hit by a bolt of lightning.. Hurts to this day. I am more than aware daily she can't help it. it is not her choice to forget her child ( me) If she should notice me getting alittle upset by all the questions. she then begins to apologize. which in return makes me feel so very selfish. She says.. well if you all tell me your my daughter.. it must be true. Don't think you would lie to me, but still.. no real feelings.. I hug her and tell her i love you mom leaving or arriving and she says. i guess i am suppose to say i love you too. Another pain to deal with.. So hard. All new.. I guess i will have to learn to deal with it. but please know.. I am oh so aware it is not her fault. Mom was always a very loving, caring and understanding mother. A vey independant woman raising 6 children alone with a full time office job as a floor manager. This has rocked our family that dementia would get to her. She was the most intelligent woman i ever knew. Very proper and honest and kept her life mostly to herself. So for anyone to help her in any way is a devistatin to her that we knew a long time ago was going to be difficult. Thanks so much for your help and replies.. Need all he feed back i can get....
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Notmydaughter, Don might be right in his speculations about why it is only you (so far) that she doesn't know as her family. But it might be something entirely different, and I doubt you'll ever know. Just know this: whatever the reason for this behavior, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, and it is not your real mother's real feeling toward you. This is caused by a plaque in the brain, or a protein deposit, or a tangle -- it has a physiological basis. It is not about love or lack of love.

(And even if Don's theory is right, she is NOT "choosing" to not know you. She has no choice in the matter.

Have you tried talking to her on the phone lately? In Jolene Bracey's book she explains that often dementia patients can continue to recognize voices long after faces cease to make sense to them. It would be worth a try. Perhaps in person you'll have to be the hired help, but on the phone you could be her daughter.

I hate dementia too!
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