NANCE Asked October 2009

What should I do?

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I'm 70-Mom 93, recently she was put into a NH. She has dementia and prior to the NH, I took care of her, it did in fact ware me down. I sleep better but have this guilt feeling that won't ease up. She has almost "normal" days and unless I do not go see her every day, she seems content. I do go see her at least every other day, at one time because of health reasons, I didn't go see her for 2 weeks. Much to my surprise, when I did go, she was content and happy. Now that I go more, she complains and wants to go home with me. Guess I just wanted to vent !!

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NANCE Oct 2009
Mom isn't so bad that she doesn't know why she's in a nursing home.
We both lived in the same apartment building, seperate apartments, she would call in the middle of the night and tell me we had to get out, had panic attacks, wouldn't bathe, I tried to care for her but at my age, it just got to be too much.
She never got dressed, I couldn't get her to go any where. Now she gets dressed and plays bingo,she seems content enough but still ask when she's gonna get another apartment.
She keeps busy, eats well, the caregivers are nice, she just is not happy and I feel so bad about that.
The more I visit, the worse it gets, maybe I go too often, I feel I'm neglecting her if I don't go often,I go at least every other day.
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kassie Oct 2009
it's quite common for a person with Alzheimer's to say that they want to go home,and this may take place in residential care, or when the person is already at home, and when they refer to "home", it's usually an expression of an emotion, it's really their whey of saying they want to find a better place in time, in their mind.Maybe the home she wants to go is likely the one where she grew up, or may be she refers to her current home..., she wants to be somewhere she recognizes, she feels comfortable, and it's impossible to explain her that she can never "go home" again. And when she tells you that she want to go home, you may say to her something like: "Sure, Mom, I'll take you home as soon as the carpets are cleaned",or whatever you think might pacify her, and try to distract her with something else. It may work for awhile.
It also can be a sign of anxiety, insecurity, fear or depression. Maybe also talk to her doctor.
Try to understand and acknowledge her feelings and reassure her that she is safe and loved. She can no longer live in your reality, you have to enter hers from time to time.
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