My mom passed away today. I'm trying in the most inexpensive way possible still trying to meet her request for no cremation to set up a burial for her. It seems the cheapest is at the least $7,000. This is impossible for me. Any suggestions?
I am so sorry for your loss. This is a very difficult time for you. It is not easy having to take care of the practical side of a death while your heart is grieving such a great loss. I just laid my 101 year old mom to rest yesterday. She did want cremation. I suggest that if you want to retain control of her funeral but cannot afford a casket go with cremation. They have burial urns that you can have interred at a cemetery or your family can buy a regular urn and keep her ashes, or your family could have a lovely private ceremony and scatter her ashes. The funeral Home that took care of my mother's internment, the ball park figure for cremation, burial urn, graveside service, prayer cards and engraving date of death on a stone, 10 death certificates is about $3500.00 Price varied only for they type of burial urn. My mother already had her stone and plot. I do not know your personal situation but I really do not think your mother would be upset if you chose cremation that could make it affordable for you to retain control of what happens with her earthly remains. Hoping you give cremation serious consideration. Much better than a potter's field internment. May god bless you and keep you in his care at this difficult tme in your life.
My father was a surveyor so we see a box for an antique surveyor's tool that a friend found at a flea market. I have a paint box set aside for my artist mother when the time comes.
Does your city have a ‘potters field’ graveyard? We have that here.
I had a friend who was in my circle of friends. He died not long ago. He had no family nearby, only a nephew who lives in a different state that wasn’t interested in paying for burial.
A mutual friend and I visited him in the hospital shortly before he died.
The hospital wanted someone to accept as power of attorney. We refused.
The social worker found a nursing home for him where he died soon after.
The nursing home asked if we were planning to pay for his burial. We said no. They made arrangements for him to be buried in a cemetery for those without loved ones that can pay.
Check your area to see if that is available for you.
So, Look up: Armstrong Family Cremations" Los Angeles.. They may have answers for your questions and where to find a service in your area.
They are professional, understanding, and will help you if they can. Not too many crematory facilities in our area, but am sure they can help you find one in your area.
Look them up, and ask them about their services and if they know of any facility in your area. It doesn't hurt to ask.
Another friend used Neptune Society. You can look them up as well...
If anyone is looking I have a friend with plots that are in North Carolina... I think. And if anyone is asking about donating their bodies to science.. well, yes,,, it is science, and my friends are aware of that... and things that happen.. "doctors, as well as students, "are Practicing". one friend was donated to USC, and another, to college to study brain issues. Science is always scary.. but when I am gone, I hope my body is light enough to be donated.. and put to good use... I hope no weird rituals are used on this body.. yes, I have friends who are in medicine, and cadavers are used. Thank you for doctors, teachers, and scientists for trying to figure out diseases. "Disease" means : WITHOUT EASE. I heard that in school. For me, well, I think I am okay with it. I understand that these universities like to study direct relatives while younger, alive, and capable to see if there is any genetic issues.. to have a comparison study, etc.. 23 and Me. I thought did that too in a different route. I certainly don't know a right or wrong answer to your issue. But just know cremation has been going on for centuries.. and burials too. How many people do you know were shoved off into a boat and lit on fire? Old cultures had that. nope, that won't happen in our time without a total investigation.
Well, thank Goodness, their souls have left this Earth to go - HOME. To remark about the burial grounds, caskets, etc. the plots have to be "encased" basically so nothing gets in or out... even in earthquakes, etc., water tight, I suppose, in our area at least. I have been to several... one had the most beautiful casket... And I was only able to see it ONE TIME. :( It is underneath forever.... It was GEORGEOUS!! delicately laced wiring so you can thread roses and flowers. most beautiful casket I had ever seen. funerals and celebrations of life are special. And every celebration of life is special no matter if the deceased is cremated or buried. As someone posted, some places try to take you down in the moment of sorrow and vulnerability. BREATHE, take a breath, and feel what you need to do, QUICKLY
SO, A LEARNING LESSON FOR ME: I NEED TO MAKE MY DECISIONS NOW, AND TELL MY FAMILY -- IT IS OK. Death is Life, and do what is easiest. I hope I make that easy by making my instructions clear to them... as friend's dad said, "whatever is easiest... it's okay with me. :) " You can talk to your LO anytime anywhere, they are in your heart. Most likely they can hear you.
I’m so very sorry for your loss 🙏🏼 graveside is less expensive & you don’t have to get most expensive casket. Also you can skip the limo & drive w family to cemetery. But that is up to you if you can drive while being upset. I wouldn’t like to see you get into car accident on way to cemetery. ..also you can put on pmt plan HUGS 🤗
I don’t go to funerals unless I have too, ie. my husband’s parents, my mom’s, my grandparents. And I hate funeral lunches. My husband’s sisters did the lunch arrangements for his parents. My husband and I want nothing other than cremation and ashes scattered in the woods on some property we own. Our sons know and agree.
I live in NJ so those liners are mandatory. They are sealed to keep water out. So there is no need for a water proof casket. You don't have to have a viewing. I like the ones that the viewing is an hour before the service. You don't have to have a service as such. Just have a graveside service for just family. Then go to lunch somewhere. COVID is a good excuse not to do anything big.
I think as a population we are getting away from all the hoopla. Yes, I did give Mom a nice funeral, but I was able to put some of her money away for it. For me and my husband, its cremation. I don't need a service and definitely no viewing.
Look to the town you live in they may have plots available for residents. If you go direct to burial there is no need for embalming. There are inexpensive caskets, even cardboard, (transportation from the morgue to the FH). If there is no wake no calling hours fine. You can have a flat marker to reduce costs. Ask around for funeral homes they are negotiable. Depending on the town you may need a vault. Ask your church for assistance. You do not need a pastor at the cemetery. Depending on local code is what will be required. Funeral homes can assist you if you have a no frills funeral. Unless you need calling hours you can always do that late with a celebration of life. If cremation is available you can go direct to cremation call the crematorium $1800 in NH) and bypass the funeral home. Don't take no for an answer at a FH. It is all negotiable.
I saw on television, New Zealand residents are decorating their own caskets now, so they can have a forever home in the box they created. That was many years ago I saw that. One box had Elvis Presley ... How fun to decorate the inside of our box...
Rhode Island may have some help for burials of people who die without a lot of money. Many cemeteries also have discounts for the indigent. You can buy caskets at Costco or online.
My coworker died suddenly at 41. Her family had her buried in a casket you use for cremation. The casket was transported to the cemetery on the back of a truck, no hearse. I would not have believed it if I did not see it for myself. She did not have a headstone for the longest time because no one could afford it. That was the most bargain funeral I ever saw.
a neighbor donated his body to his university. Family had a small service The college took care of every thing else. But I found out that some universities will not take bodies over a certain weight... a family friend did the same thing.. donating your body for study is popular.
Before doing that I would suggest someone read Stiff, by Mary Roach, to see what exactly is done with the bodies, Mayday. It would be fine with me. I don't believe there is anything after death but a decomposing body. But people should know and understand. Bodies are used in a myriad of ways. Can elaborate if you care to by Private Message. Just saying, for me it is good, but for some it would not be.
And after reading posts... I see more and more people are okay with cremation. Most of my LO'S were cremated. a friend took her spouse to different parts of the world he wanted to see or fell in love with... one took her LO to a special park he loved and put some ashes there. another one kept mom in an urn, and put her in the church grounds. There is Neptune Society.. mostly, she will be in your heart.... It is okay.. it will be ok. cremation sounds bad, but really.. it is not. as one dad said, " What do I care? I will be dead either way." He left the option up to his kids. Memories are for the fun and life moments. Not a grave site. Do you need an actual place to talk to your loved ones? You will always carry them in your heart. That is most important.. memories and moments. YOU AND MOM WILL BE GOOD WITH WHATEVER DECISION YOU MAKE. Honestly.... When is it all said and done, will it matter? If you have the funeral at a church, you can do a nice little pot luck, or deserts. It doesn't have to be big. One friend, had her LO services at a church. It was nice. then they just said thank you, and small snacks and tea and water.. It was simple and nice. a photo of LO. Whatever you decide will be okay. Your mom will understand..
Speaking of needing or not needing a place to talk to your LO...my dad was cremated, and mom has him "seated" in his leather Lazyboy (his urn on a beautiful embroidered velvet shawl) in his corner of the family room. She did talk to him all the time before her health declined. Quite likely much nicer than when he was alive!
I am so sorry for your loss. Try to just absorb your mom's passing. Do not worry about the other part for a couple of days. It is ok. Take one step at a time. It will be okay. Talk with the mortuary , church, or whomever after you have taken in ,what is going on and who you just lost.. They should understand. They should help guide you through this difficult stage. They should help give you options, and talk with your family, relatives, and friends. I hope you have someone to lean on and help guide you.
Unless you can keep the body at home for the couple of days, these suggestions don't actually work. That's part of the problem - you need to make immediate expensive decisions at a time when you are very upset.
My dad died in Chicago. I was unable to go there, so the local police department, who had had him transported to the city morgue, called a medical school in the area. They arranged for a local mortuary (IL law says you have to use one to transport the body) to pick him up at the morgue and take him to the school. The school was to use him for study, then cremate and bury the ashes. The only charge was $350 to the mortuary for the transport. Turns out that was his plan, tho he never told me, his cousin did after the fact. Oh, well....
My friends mother wanted to donate her body to science but due to dying during the pandemic, they wouldn’t take the body. Which seemed odd to me, so she had her cremated
I think that you know that you can not honor her wish to be buried. It is too much money to bury her and it is unfair to you to go into debt to do this.
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust, it truly is just a body that she is no longer using, she is gone, it is okay to take care of her remains in the best way you can afford.
I’m sorry for the loss of your mother. I checked into this a few years ago. You can locate a discount funeral home. They do exist. I’d ask about least expensive direct burial. In my state no embalming required if no viewing and burial within a couple of days. I’d ask about the green burial containers. They have wicker and cardboard. They look very nice. If she attended a church see if they have a church cemetery. They are often free. Check out family plots too. There are many services you can avoid by not opting for them like the embalming, hair stylist, obituary in paper (funeral home often put announcement on their website. Paper is optional.) I haven’t gone this route yet, because we are considering graveside rites, but, I now realize just how many things that are not really necessary.
And, if the funds are not available, you could ask if the funeral home will set up payments. I’d hesitate to do that though.
Unfortunately it’s going to be highly unlikely to bury her in a casket for under $7k in Rhode Island. You’ve got to pay for the casket, plot and marker. That’s JUST to bury her, not including any type of service. Either the family will have to pitch in the funds or have a fundraiser, or you may have to go the cremation route. Quite frankly if someone didn’t have the courtesy to plan for this ahead of time & leave enough money yet still let their wishes be known, then there is really nothing wrong with disregarding those wishes. Anyone who doesn’t want to be buried needs to make sure they can afford a casket, plot & headstone before they die. It’s not always easy to save the money but in that case, the deceased gets whatever can be afforded when they die.
Funeral homes are required to provide a list of their services. Shop around. Talk to the funeral home about direct burial which can save half of a traditional cost of burial. If not, you can eliminate the memorial service, a showing, embalming and other costs. A memorial service can be done at the gravesite.
Speak to hospice organizations in your area. They often have lists available to family. If, however, you care calling your mortuaries in the area that may be what you are looking at in terms of cost. Cremation is quite a lot less costly than burials, which come with all sort of regulations about coffins, about coffin seals in plots, and etc. You have good information below about the cost of embalming versus not. Do tell the mortuaries you call what you can afford. I agree with Margaret. Your Mom is gone; what is done now is for the remaining family to decide. She likely did not understand costs involved or she may have preplanned. I am so sorry for your loss.
My mother had very strong views against poncy funerals, gushing euologies, embalming and open casket viewing etc. The funeral home’s price list was ‘from’ a very cheap basic service leading to cremation, but when I asked about it they said it was only for welfare cases sent through the Department. I said I would take it to Consumer Affairs as false advertising, and suddenly it was all OK. Mum would have been delighted! There was a small service at the Crematorium, then my sisters and I scattered her ashes in the sea at the beach where we went with her on holiday when we were children. I have happy memories of it all.
Find an old copy of ‘The American Way of Death’ by Jessica Mitford, it made a big impact at the time, but the funeral industry put a lot of effort into fighting back.
"If you’ve made up your mind on burial rather than cremation, this option is very affordable. It avoids the costs associated with a formal funeral or memorial service. Without a visitation or a viewing, you also avoid the cost of embalming. You do have the option of a brief graveside service, but be sure to talk to your funeral home about this. In some cases, holding such a service may put you into a different price bracket than a simple direct burial. You can opt for a more formal memorial service, either immediately after the loss or at some time in the future."
"Green burials are becoming increasingly popular. This practice rethinks everything about burial to make it friendlier to the environment. Without embalming fluid or a concrete vault, the body decomposes much more quickly, without leaving harmful chemicals and materials in the earth. The body is placed in a shroud or in a biodegradable casket. Not every cemetery allows green burials, so call around to find one that does. Although you still have to pay for a shroud and a burial plot, a green burial can save you lots of money, and is better for the earth, too."
"Another trend which is on the rise is the home burial. This allows you to skip the funeral home altogether and take care of all aspects of death and burial at home. A “death coach” or “death midwife” can assist you with the process. This option leaves you in completely in the driver’s seat when managing the cost of the funeral. A coffin can be pre-purchased, and even used for some other purpose until it comes time for the burial. A home burial and memorial service can be much more personal and intimate than a formal service at a funeral home or cemetery. Just make sure that yours is not one of the six states which mandates that a funeral home handle the remains."
So sorry for your loss. I can offer a little insight here. My parents are no frills folks and set up cremation plans for themselves years ago. When my dad passed, there was no service, no wake and no funeral per his wishes. His remains were stored at the funeral home in cold storage. As he was being cremated, no embalming was necessary. No casket either. I was a little shocked when I came across the bill from the funeral home recently, as it was around $2800. Storage fee, fee for taking his remains from the hospital to the funeral home, and the actual cost of the cremation. I still saw "padding" in the bill.
An option might be donating your mother's body to science? That is free, at least here in Illinois, and when the research is completed, the remains are cremated and returned at no cost to you.
Chicagoannie - her mom requested NO cremation. I wonder if the mom knew how expensive it was and if she saved any money for her burial or did she just think her kid will cough up the money somehow or go into debt to bury her.
I do not know your personal situation but I really do not think your mother would be upset if you chose cremation that could make it affordable for you to retain control of what happens with her earthly remains. Hoping you give cremation serious consideration. Much better than a potter's field internment.
May god bless you and keep you in his care at this difficult tme in your life.
Does your city have a ‘potters field’ graveyard? We have that here.
I had a friend who was in my circle of friends. He died not long ago. He had no family nearby, only a nephew who lives in a different state that wasn’t interested in paying for burial.
A mutual friend and I visited him in the hospital shortly before he died.
The hospital wanted someone to accept as power of attorney. We refused.
The social worker found a nursing home for him where he died soon after.
The nursing home asked if we were planning to pay for his burial. We said no. They made arrangements for him to be buried in a cemetery for those without loved ones that can pay.
Check your area to see if that is available for you.
They are professional, understanding, and will help you if they can. Not too many crematory facilities in our area, but am sure they can help you find one in your area.
Look them up, and ask them about their services and if they know of any facility in your area. It doesn't hurt to ask.
Another friend used Neptune Society. You can look them up as well...
And if anyone is asking about donating their bodies to science.. well, yes,,, it is science, and my friends are aware of that... and things that happen.. "doctors, as well as students, "are Practicing". one friend was donated to USC, and another, to college to study brain issues.
Science is always scary.. but when I am gone, I hope my body is light enough to be donated.. and put to good use... I hope no weird rituals are used on this body.. yes, I have friends who are in medicine, and cadavers are used. Thank you for doctors, teachers, and scientists for trying to figure out diseases. "Disease" means : WITHOUT EASE. I heard that in school.
For me, well, I think I am okay with it. I understand that these universities like to study direct relatives while younger, alive, and capable to see if there is any genetic issues.. to have a comparison study, etc..
23 and Me. I thought did that too in a different route.
I certainly don't know a right or wrong answer to your issue. But just know cremation has been going on for centuries.. and burials too. How many people do you know were shoved off into a boat and lit on fire? Old cultures had that.
nope, that won't happen in our time without a total investigation.
Well, thank Goodness, their souls have left this Earth to go - HOME.
To remark about the burial grounds, caskets, etc. the plots have to be "encased" basically so nothing gets in or out... even in earthquakes, etc., water tight, I suppose, in our area at least.
I have been to several... one had the most beautiful casket... And I was only able to see it ONE TIME. :( It is underneath forever.... It was GEORGEOUS!! delicately laced wiring so you can thread roses and flowers. most beautiful casket I had ever seen.
funerals and celebrations of life are special. And every celebration of life is special no matter if the deceased is cremated or buried.
As someone posted, some places try to take you down in the moment of sorrow and vulnerability. BREATHE, take a breath, and feel what you need to do, QUICKLY
SO, A LEARNING LESSON FOR ME: I NEED TO MAKE MY DECISIONS NOW, AND TELL MY FAMILY -- IT IS OK. Death is Life, and do what is easiest. I hope I make that easy by making my instructions clear to them... as friend's dad said, "whatever is easiest... it's okay with me. :) "
You can talk to your LO anytime anywhere, they are in your heart. Most likely they can hear you.
graveside is less expensive & you don’t have to get most expensive casket. Also you can skip the limo & drive w family to cemetery. But that is up to you if you can drive while being upset. I wouldn’t like to see you get into car accident on way to cemetery. ..also you can put on pmt plan HUGS 🤗
I think as a population we are getting away from all the hoopla. Yes, I did give Mom a nice funeral, but I was able to put some of her money away for it. For me and my husband, its cremation. I don't need a service and definitely no viewing.
http://www.dhs.ri.gov/Documents%20Forms/GPA%20Burial%20Funeral%20Home%20Checklist%20Fillable%20Form%20April%202020%20Final.pdf
I'm sorry for your loss.
a family friend did the same thing.. donating your body for study is popular.
one took her LO to a special park he loved and put some ashes there.
another one kept mom in an urn, and put her in the church grounds.
There is Neptune Society..
mostly, she will be in your heart.... It is okay.. it will be ok. cremation sounds bad, but really.. it is not.
as one dad said, " What do I care? I will be dead either way." He left the option up to his kids.
Memories are for the fun and life moments. Not a grave site.
Do you need an actual place to talk to your loved ones? You will always carry them in your heart. That is most important.. memories and moments.
YOU AND MOM WILL BE GOOD WITH WHATEVER DECISION YOU MAKE.
Honestly....
When is it all said and done, will it matter?
If you have the funeral at a church, you can do a nice little pot luck, or deserts. It doesn't have to be big. One friend, had her LO services at a church. It was nice. then they just said thank you, and small snacks and tea and water.. It was simple and nice. a photo of LO.
Whatever you decide will be okay. Your mom will understand..
Light her up.
Sorry Ksouzar.
Ashes to ashes and dust to dust, it truly is just a body that she is no longer using, she is gone, it is okay to take care of her remains in the best way you can afford.
And, if the funds are not available, you could ask if the funeral home will set up payments. I’d hesitate to do that though.
Find an old copy of ‘The American Way of Death’ by Jessica Mitford, it made a big impact at the time, but the funeral industry put a lot of effort into fighting back.
Here's a link to an article on cheap burials.
https://cremationinstitute.com/cheap-funeral/#:~:text=Consider%20Direct%20Burial%20If%20you%E2%80%99ve%20made%20up%20your,viewing%2C%20you%20also%20avoid%20the%20cost%20of%20embalming.
Here are some of the excerpts from the article:
"If you’ve made up your mind on burial rather than cremation, this option is very affordable. It avoids the costs associated with a formal funeral or memorial service.
Without a visitation or a viewing, you also avoid the cost of embalming.
You do have the option of a brief graveside service, but be sure to talk to your funeral home about this. In some cases, holding such a service may put you into a different price bracket than a simple direct burial.
You can opt for a more formal memorial service, either immediately after the loss or at some time in the future."
"Green burials are becoming increasingly popular. This practice rethinks everything about burial to make it friendlier to the environment.
Without embalming fluid or a concrete vault, the body decomposes much more quickly, without leaving harmful chemicals and materials in the earth. The body is placed in a shroud or in a biodegradable casket.
Not every cemetery allows green burials, so call around to find one that does. Although you still have to pay for a shroud and a burial plot, a green burial can save you lots of money, and is better for the earth, too."
"Another trend which is on the rise is the home burial. This allows you to skip the funeral home altogether and take care of all aspects of death and burial at home. A “death coach” or “death midwife” can assist you with the process.
This option leaves you in completely in the driver’s seat when managing the cost of the funeral. A coffin can be pre-purchased, and even used for some other purpose until it comes time for the burial.
A home burial and memorial service can be much more personal and intimate than a formal service at a funeral home or cemetery. Just make sure that yours is not one of the six states which mandates that a funeral home handle the remains."
An option might be donating your mother's body to science? That is free, at least here in Illinois, and when the research is completed, the remains are cremated and returned at no cost to you.