I believe that deep down I know what I need to do for myself, but I am in a quandary over how to care for my mom with serious dementia issues. She is only 78 but very aggressive and down right mean. Her behavior is becoming worse. Unfortunately, I battle depression. I have managed to take care of myself with regular Dr visits, etc over the years. Sadly, I take a considerable amount of verbal ridicule and attacks from my mother and brother regarding my seeing a Dr for depression. I function and do very well, usually. But caring for my mother's situation has probably exacerbated a familia dynamic that I had a handle on. I have such a difficult time standing up for myself when my family becomes toxic . I usually leave and go back to my place. With my demented mom or brother following me out the door telling me that I just run away...
It gets comical..but I will cry all the way home afterwards. I suppose one of my questions is, is this behavior typically displayed by a dementia person? I mean, the family dynamics aside, my mother is extremely paranoid. And she can make quite valid comments accusations. What is sad , I have recently discovered, is that for many years, I have been the object of her paranoia , behind my back. It has shocked me to know that she has been so unkind. Additionally, I am grieving the knowledge of her misplaced weirdness.
I see that dynamically, triangulatingg against another has been a coping skill she has implemented. But , I am old, tired and I work prn and try to help her and my brother out.
My brother is angry as, he feels that I should be able to deal with the situation. And care for her regardless of the hateful treatment. He lives in a small home that she bought for him and his family.( 4 adults have lived for free )10 years. But he is too busy to help out with caring for our mom. He can become verbally abusive towards me also. I am so very torn and down right confused. Actually, righting all this down , has given me more insight on how dysfunctional this fam.actually is..
Anyone have any kind suggestions ?? I'm not sure what topic this falls under please bare with me ..

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You say 4 adults live with her... take a dang break! Seems like they should take on more care, and you get on with taking care of yourself. If need be, tell them you are working more. I agree, she paid for them, they can care for her. Get some rest turtir!
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Thank you for your insight and encouraging comments. I agree with her issue with mental illness. Furthermore, I concur on type of Caregiving necessary.. Unfortunately, she
refuses to take (most )meds. I truly wish that she would seek help. As the minister and some family members have tried to encourage her towards any Dr..nope, she's fine..she says!!
Seldom sees a Dr.-- Thankfully, her physical health is good. ** I hadn't seen the point on her having to" buy his love" until pointed out. Wow. That has given me a completely different perspective in the situation. In addition to "divide and conquer" This has given me a great deal to consider.
Especially when trying to make my way thru the dysfunction.!
I'm sorry if this is not flowing well. I'm presently in the midst of my daily visit. ((((Smiles))))
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Avoid these people, they are toxic. Plus whenever bro starts with "she said you..." turn it off. Never give credence to behind your back reports. They are designed to wear you down and are highly exaggerated for that purpose.
She bought bro a house, then he is the one obligated to deal with her problems. Notice she had to buy his affection, not yours. You have the high road, not him.
Your mother also uses "divide and conquer" methods. She keeps you two arguing so she feels in control. Don't take the bait from a manipulative and controlling woman. When she plays the guilt card say "Guilt card. I am not picking it up."
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It sounds to me like your mom is mentally ill. Has she be evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist?

Caring for a mentally ill person with dementia is not a job for amateurs. She needs medication, and for those medications and her behaviors to be observed and managed by professional caregivers.

I'd like you to think about that for a bit. Others will doubtless be along with other advise. But i think that your mom needs an entirely differnt kind of care from what ANY family can provide. And you need to take care of you first.
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