I finally hired 2 caregivers to ease the load on me, but my dad constantly complains about one of them and I'm tired of it. Any advice?

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She's great with him and has so much patience, but I'm the one that has to say something to him because it's not right that he gets to cuss at her under his breath which I always hear or makes faces I can tell he's irritated. If anyone should be irritated it should be us, which I AM! If I had a choice I would put him in a home, but he can't afford it. How do I deal with his bad attitude? I was hospitalized for 3 days from stress, anxiety and depression for caring for him. I don't want to end up in there again.

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sadeyes, sometimes we need to put ourselves in the shoes of our Dad to see how he is seeing life. When you think about it, most of his independence is gone. Probably most of his friends of either moved or passed away. He can no longer jump into his car and go places. His eyesight is probably fading along with his hearing. And food no longer taste good except for really sweet items. All in all, that would make anyone grumpy.

If the caregivers are just letting his comments rolls off their backs, then follow their lead. They have been on this rodeo many times over.

If Dad complains about the caregiver, play along and agree with him, even though you know differently. In fact, ask the caregiver how does she deal with the cussing, etc.

I remember one time my elderly Mom said something very inappropriate to one of her temporary caregivers, and I knew the caregiver heard it. I mouthed to the caregiver "I'm sorry", and the caregiver just placed her index finger to her lips as to say "shhhhh", meaning don't say anything. I will always remember that :)
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Reply to freqflyer
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Here's what I’m reading: dad is upset and complains constantly about caregivers...it’s causing you a lot of stress.
You are not going to be able to change your dad's attitude and that is what is stressful and frustrating. So you need to learn ways of handling you because that’s the only thing you can control. I recommend a book that was very helpful to me and my sister. Called Loving Hard to Love Parents by Paul Chavetz PhD. He’s a psychologist who deals with adult children of difficult parents. Also, perhaps begin seeing a therapist who can offer suggestions on handling him as well as letting you vent. I’m so sorry this caused you to be hospitalized. As his caregiver you are always going to have stress so you have to protect yourself. Under no circumstance get rid of this kind caregiver. He’s hoping you will capitulate and stop hiring. Don’t! And get out of the house when you can. Set up boundaries that protect you and help keep you sane. This is one of them. He doesn’t have the right to dictate your life anymore than he does via you being a caregiver. Please keep in touch and vent anytime here
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Reply to Harpcat
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When there’s something you can’t change in someone in your care, it becomes part of your care of yourself to learn to let go. As long as his aggression is verbal or making faces or any other non physical stuff, a well trained caregiver will assume that it isn’t her job to worry about it, and she won’t.
Good caregivers won’t expect you to change him or defend her.
It isn’t unusual for people with dementia to develop nasty dislikes for people around them, even when the targets are loving and concerned relatives.
You protect yourself by knowing that there’s nothing you can do about the behavior and letting it slide off instead of reacting to it. Easy to do? Absolutely not.
Good alternative to letting things slide? None.
Take good care of yourself, inform Dad’s caregivers that you realize that he’s difficult and you know they’re doing a good job, LET THE REST GO.
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Reply to AnnReid
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If I were in your situation, I would buy a beautiful bouquet of flowers (for her to take home) along with a very sincere card expressing how much her patience and kindness
was appreciated.
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Reply to Compassionate5
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He might be playing on your emotions by being passively aggressive. The dirty looks and mumbling beneath his breath is a way for him to make it stressful for you and make you doubt your decision to get help. If you feel his reactions are unwarranted, don’t get caught up.
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Reply to GAinPA
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Make funny faces back at him. He has obviously been a spoiled child (elder) learn to find the humor in his asinine behavior. You certainly know how hard he can be, you ended up hospitalized because of the stress.

His world has shrunk, taking you with him. Now that you have caregivers, get out, go do something for yourself. Let him be unhappy, you did not do it and my experience is that he'll suck your life because misery loves company. Find things that make you happy and let the caregivers do their jobs, one of which is to take the load off you. 😝 try it, it feels good to be silly when you get so frustrated and can't say anything. That's why kids do it, it helps.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal
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Oh my what all of you are dealing with. God help you all and bless you also as you are so much better than I could have ever been, My husbands health went down for years because of COPD but not until 4 months before his actual passing which was just awful. Wish these kids now days would listen to what the professional are telling them. I finally quit about 1 year ago and will probably have to deal with what my hubby went through because I was so stubborn and would not listen to others either. One time my hubby got so miserable and moody toward the last that I told him "Stay sweet and I will do my best to give you the best care and consideration that I can. But if you continue to be irritable then I will not be there for you because your moods are driving me away:". Walla, he changed his tune and was his sweet self until the end. In his younger days he said he loved his cigareetes so much that when he died he wanted me to put one last cigarette in his mouth on the way to the crematorium. In his last couple of moths before he died I asked him if he still wanted me to carry out his wish for a Cigarette and he said no and that he cursed the day he ever started. Its a b*tch the way he died due to cigareetes and please keep urging others to quit so they do not have to die that terrible death due to an oxygen starved brain. I pray that I can do myself in if I become such a burden on my children. And if nothing else I learn by this web site to take it easy on my caregivers as it really is the tuffest job in the world. Truly all your rewards will be in heaven as you are all such terrifice people in all that you put up with and all that you try to do. Love to you all and pray for your patience with the elderly.
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Reply to kathy2468
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There is a time when it's too much for caregiver. It actually killed a guy in my support group. So if he has dementia call Alzheimer's help line. They are experienced & helpful. Sounds like his funds may qualify him for medicaid. Call 211 they have answers of where to start. 80% of caregivers either die or become ill before end of life patient. Your hospitalization proves it's time to admit him or you won't be around to care for him. Every state has own laws. Also if he is a veteran go to American Legion & ask if he could get benefits. Remember if you don't ask the answer is NO. If you ask it's 50 chance YES.
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Reply to mlface
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Confront him with how unacceptable his behavior is & what it is doing to your health - he may not realize how much this bothers you if you don't outright tell him because some people just don't pick up non-verbal cue like you do - assuming he is over 60 then he should be grown up enough not to act like a 6 year old - if he doesn't know, he can't improve his behavior to 'polite'standards
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Reply to moecam
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Sad, If the aide is doing a good job, I would not replace her. A good aide is hard to find. Like said, you don't say in ur profile what Dads problems are. If Dementia, then learn to ignore his comments. For whatever reason, he has chosen this aide to be mean to. Stand by your decision. We become the adults and them the children. If Dad is cognitive, explain to him this is the way it is. You are limited in the amount of care you can or are willing to give. No, it's not his fault he is where he is but its not yours either. He needs to except the way things are and try to enjoy the time you have together. But if he makes it hard on everyone, other avenues will have to be considered.

If Dad has nothing, you maybe able to get him on Medicaid. Either for a NH or homecare.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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