My mother has dementia, and her drivers license was recently revoked by the DMV. She gave her car to my brother who lives with her and he knowingly gives her access to the keys. I have had separate discussions with both with my mom and my brother that it isn’t safe or legal and she is putting herself and others at risk. I have also searched for the keys to take them away, but haven’t located them. I’m unsure on what my next step should be.
If she wanted to keep the licence she needed to sit another test. She declined knowing she could not fulfill it. Also, doctors are supposed to report to the licencing authorities to have licences cancelled.
So mum got letters to read about the cancellation. Well not good enough for her. So next was obviously get those keys.
Mum called a few groups to try get some keys. They were on to it and called me. Did not want some dodgy locksmith getting her a key.
Then l rang police and asked if l could hide the car. They said that was a great idea. So did that for a while. The story goes on a bit as she did everything to be resourceful. The police did come and have a chat. I take her out all the time. She tells me that 'l'm a prisioner on my own block of land'. I also organised a taxi service for her. She has a half price card. We also have one local taxi man and his small group that service us. This is regular and gives peace of mind.
If mother still has the title, owns the car, disable it immediately: ask any mechanic; take out battery, or spark plug wires, or have someone take wheels off and put car up on blocks if you have to, tacky maybe but better than that car killing someone.
If mom signed the car's title over to your brother, who is being highly irresponsible in letter her drive, contact APS and the local police. As police to watch for that license plate and cite her when they see her driving; impound the car.
Let's hope your brother is not cynically hoping your mom will be in an accident so he benefits monetarily, heinous thought.
I will just repeat this, because most of our "answers" to this one involve disabling the auto.
The real problem here is that the son, who lives with the mother, has been given the car. So you cannot disable, I presume HIS CAR. And the son, who lives with the mother, allows her to use the car, and gives her the keys.
So this is a larger problem than a confused woman with access to an auto.
I would call APS on this one. The mom, if she lives with a son who doesn't recognize she is in danger, perhaps needs guardianship of the state, and placement in safe circumstances.
Once mom gets into an accident the house will be gone as will any other assets that she has.
Mom has dementia so she won't "get it" but I presume your brother is not cognitively impaired.
Who has POA? If your brother does you might want to talk to an attorney and see about getting Guardianship since he is not making safe choices for her.
If you have POA you are legally able to take the car and remove it so that she no longer has access to it. If you can not find the keys you can legally get a copy done and remove the car or just have it towed to a location where you can deal with it.
Is this the only thing that your brother is letting mom do that might not be safe?
Call 1) the local police department and 2) Adult Protective Services and tell them the situation. I would also notify the DMV about how your brother is handling this situation.
Thank you for writing us here.
If your brother continues 'unchecked' as he has been, it is an accident waiting to happen - that could be avoided.
And, as a secondary issue/concern, you could take a part out of the car, put glue in the key area (if the key is still needed to open the door). In other words, make the car inoperable, although this doesn't address his behavior nor if he'd repeat it. This is extremely serious and I would call the entities listed above.
Gena / Touch Matters
Could the OP be held CIVILLY responsible - ie. be included in a lawsuit? Possibly, although it's not her car mom is driving, nor is it her house in which mom is living, so I doubt even that would happen.
Her brother is more the one who would be held civilly responsible, since it is his now car AND he lives with mom. But it would be for the courts and insurance agency to decide the scope of his civil liability.
But if mom gets into an accident, the police aren't coming knocking at the OP's door to slap handcuffs on her. That's what is meant by "legal responsibility" in this case. Do you have any idea what would happen if everyone who related to someone unfit to drive would get locked up if/when that driver got into an accident?
And I have bad news for everyone - and this is coming from over 20 years as a law enforcement officer- there is very little that the police can do in this situation.
Elderly adult refuses to give up their car - for whatever reason - still has a valid license, proper registration and maintains the proper insurance but shouldn't be driving; nothing the police can do. DMV has said this elderly person can drive, and they have the legal right to own a car. The police CANNOT take someone's property without due cause. And "due cause" is defined by the courts, not family members. Furthermore, at least in NY, it is not illegal to own a car and not have a valid license. You can't legally drive it, but you can still own it, register it and insure it. It can sit in your front yard for years without ever being driven, but it is still your legally your property, and as such, can't just be removed by authorities without due process.
Now, in this particular case, mom has had her license revoked. All well and good, EXCEPT she gave the car to her son, so it is now HIS property, and again, cannot be removed by the authorities without due process. If OP want to call the police on mom when she is driving, knowing her license has been revoked, that is an option, but keep in mind that, depending on the state, this might result in mom being arrested. The car would be taken for safekeeping, but brother could likely still get it back, because legally, it's his property. Might the arresting agency make it difficult or uncomfortable for him, sure; but more than likely, they will just want to get the car back to it's owner so it is no longer their (the police) responsibility to keep it safe. As far as the police are concerned, they did their job - they got the unlicensed driver off the road when they observed her driving, and the car has been removed from their jurisdiction. It will then be up to the court to decide what happens from there. AND that's only IF mom actually gets arrested; most police officers won't be enthusiastic about arresting an elderly confused woman for ANY reason. Unless mom has a catastrophic accident, the most likely scenario is 1) mom will be brought back to the precinct, with another officer driving this car there 2) son will be called ("hey Mr. So-and-So, we just found your mom driving your car the wrong way down 5th Avenue and she seems really confused, maybe you should come and pick her up, we're located at XXX") 3) son comes and gets mom and offers sincere apologies with fervent promises that while he doesn't know how this happened, he will make sure it never happens again. If mom has a catastrophic accident, then the car will probably be vouchered as evidence, and mom will go to jail, dementia or no. But by that point, the worst will have come to pass, which is what everyone is trying to avoid.
I know no one wants a fight with their elderly LO's who are adamant that they can still drive, but some fights you have to have. And if that means yelling, screaming, hiding keys, disconnecting batteries, etc., then that's what might have to be done. If it means finding a way to legally take the car yourself, then that's what has to be done. But unfortunately, calling the police is rarely going to be the answer you're looking for to this problem.
She couldn't and lost that battle. I thought he was a little too fierce about this and could have accomplished the same thing with a little more kindness. End result would have been the same: she could no longer drive safely, but he didn't need to make her feel stupid in the process.
I know had she had the knowledge of hos to call and Uber or Lyft, she wouldn't have resented YB's interference.
Every time a Sr loses a 'privilege' they lose a little bit of themselves, too. This can be accomplished with firmness, but kindness.
Bottom line: they have to prove to be safe drivers before they can drive.
Giving up driving is so hard on both the person and those who love them. Good luck.
Ive been through this too. It’s hard on them, but an accident will be catastrophic financially or worse hurt someone and the adult in charge could very well be responsible.
Take care.
Furthermore, jot down as specifically as you can any past discussions with him and your actions.
Best wishes for a safe outcome. So much is riding on your brother doing the right thing.
However, if there is no such order OR if her license is still active, do not take the car, you are guilty of theft. The Chief was quite clear on that.
I expect the eye doctor to revoke my mom's license next week. I will then call the Chief and take her car away.