How do I keep myself from going mad?

And Xina, check over that bill carefully. 16,000 for two weeks is quite high. And I seem to recall they moved your mom with no notification? I'd be on the phone to the billing office, if you have POA. Otherwise, give it to mom's lawyer.

Xina
Good advice from the posts here
No one can argue like my Viking mom and me and her phone calls drove me over the edge while I was at work

I will say if she cannot accept caregivers in her space you are fighting a losing battle - my mom claims even the private caregiver I have with her overnight in memory care steals from her and wants me to fire her - of course n the next breath she wants to go home and hire her own caregiver - when I remind her that she ran away from the caregiver at home and broke her ankle she ignores me

So after arguing with her tonight I walked out of her room and went to the laundry room and a few minutes later she was out in the common area complaining about me so I changed the subject and asked her if she wanted me to brush her hair - how could she refuse ? At 93 I'm a bit reluctant to walk out mad unless she just won't calm down at all

As for meds - please understand that your mom may have to have something whether or not she wants it - my mom would absolutely refuse if she knew she was being given an anti- psychotic and I struggled with this decision for quite awhile - I tell her it is her BP pill
It's a stinky situation isn't it

Xina, you are giving yourself too much of a sense of responsibility and control in this situation. Unless you are your mom's doctor, YOU'RE not the one medicating her. What does her doctor say? Has she been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist? A dementia specialist? Your mom's ability to reason appears to be gone. She's agitated. Please try to see these as symptoms and get her to the right medical professional for evaluation.

One thing I do when my mother is telling me she does or doesn't need something is tell her that she'll have to talk to her doctor about it. I tell her I am only doing what the doctor said to do. In your mother's case, tell her the doctor said she either needs a SNF or someone to be at home with her. Which does she prefer? One or the other, not neither. She may be happier with the caregivers when she thinks of the alternative.

If you ever find yourself getting to the point of yelling, just hang up or walk away. We all get angry, but showing it makes both them and us feel bad. I absolutely hate myself when I yell at my mother, even if she needs yelling at sometimes. Hanging up or walking away to cool down is much better. When it comes to yelling at them, don't do it. You can stop yourself.

Xina, try not to dialogue with her on the phone, at least... tell her something and if she starts to go on and on, say "Oops! Have to go..." and hang up. Then phone off hook for awhile; if you always say something (not a lie) before hanging up, she won't be able to say you "hung up on her". I do this and it works.... I get angry at how needy my mom is, too, but that doesn't help; what does is to set a limit to what you are willing to do for and with her (i.e. visit 2X a week, talk to her 1X a day, etc. ). Find your own limits/boundaries and do your best to stick with them. On an airplane the flight attendant puts on his/her mask first so she can live to help the others.....

freq,
its amazing how we sometimes figure things out months or years after the fact . ( your mom probably raggin on your dad to go run the roads ) .
nearly anybody has some ability to " play " us but you just aint been " played " till a malwired dementia patient takes you for a spin ..
well said cwillie ;
you cant reason with crazy .

Thanks all. I would love to medicate her, but she won't have it, unfortunately. It's really sad and hard because it is totally understandable that she would feel imprisoned in her current situation. I would too. Plus, she just got a bill for $16,000 (no joke) for her last two weeks in the long term SNF unit. Her Medicare coverage ended when they transferred her there. She feels like nothing about her life is in her control anymore, and it's not. At the same time, she's driving me crazy. But how can you be angry at someone who is losing so much all at once?

Xina, next time Mom calls growling, think of yourself laying your own ears back... the visual of an animal doing that can bring a smile to your face.

Or many of us here have imaginary helmets that we wear for when we need to bang our head against the wall. That reminds me, I need to clean my helmet and paint that wall !!

Some of us have found "agreeing" with our parent can help if you think they won't remember that the next day. That way, they feel better, and you feel better [win-win]. "Yes, Mom, we will let the Aides go next week" [but you don't].

From my own experience, you accept the idea that you have fallen off an emotional cliff and you need to save yourself first. If that means getting her back to skilled nursing until she improves, so be it. If that means medicating her obsessions so you can have a decent night's sleep, let it happen.
Otherwise you die first.

Xina, I have been following your postings, my gosh you do have your hands full. Believe me, I know the frustration.

My Mom [late 90's] was also very stubborn. Her doctor insisted she have caregivers around the clock as there was no way my Dad [in his 90's] could take care of her. When I brought Mom home from the hospital she was running around like she never was in the hospital [she had a major fall and had a brain bleed], wow talk about a fast recovery. On the 3rd day the caregivers left as Mom was being very insulting.

I've gotten angry on the phone, too, with my parents, especially my Dad who was trying to guilt me into driving them, he would say he would start driving again. That was a big panic button with me. It wasn't until Mom had passed that I realized it probably was my Mom chewing on his ear about needing to be driven somewhere.

You wrote that you and your Mom's boyfriend take her out 2 to 4 times a week. You need to cut that back. If the boyfriend wants to take her out, then let him... if he doesn't drive, then he can hire a taxi. Your Mom needs to settle into her new "norm" until she gets better.

LOL Sorry, but your meltdown sounds a lot like me! You can't reason with crazy, and the people who tell you to tune it out or ignore it have probably never gone through it. Sorry. ((HUGS))