How do I keep myself from going mad?

A digression, but AMEN to Rainmom's suggestion that Medicaire/Medicaid tack on a mandatory annual geri-psych evaluation.

Aha. She wasn't getting along just fine before. Encyclopedia knowledge and common sense/judgement that a person needs to live independently are two very different things. Nevermind the differential diagnosis - everything from bipolar to schizophrenia to high functioning autism to just the substance abuse alone could be on the list - NO guilt for you! You rescued mom's place when she had the stroke, you got her out of a SNF where she was miserable and got caregivers lined up, and you are holding steadfast in refusing to cancel them. You have every right to insist that she either puts up with caregivers or goes back to a SNF or AL, depending on finances, and you have every right to use any funds she has available to get elderlaw consultation, estate planning, or eldercare coordination services to reduce your burdens in orchestrating everything and figuring out options. You both need and deserve to keep your job and your sanity.

I know you feel bad about being angry at her and telling her to STFU but that may be what it takes to even begin to make constant pressuring you about the situation off limits, since rational discussion went in one ear and out the other. I remember apologizing to everyone around me when I yelled at my mom - not really even yelled but just told her firmly a call was inappropriate - sh'ed interrupted a team conference and patient care issues many times and this was a request for me (1500 miles away) to get her some paper towels or briefs or something like that because the closet was empty out at her AL. I knew it seemed a reasonable request to her so yeah I felt bad not just patiently explaining of calling the staff myself as I sometimes did, but that day I could not take the extra time do it. I called back later and they had taken care of it, of course.

Blocking the calls while you are at work is fine; hanging up, softly or loudly the second the subject comes up on the phone is fine; MAYBE you could agree to reassess the need for care aides on a weekly basis with her in person if some minimal compromises could be made, or maybe that should even be avoided if not. Do what makes sense, as you have been doing, and realize that you have been duly appointed as the person in charge of making sense at this point - take some pride in that!

Looking forward to the memoir, too BTW.

Oh man, I dream of being published in those magazines. At the very least I could start a blog about it. I did one for years on being single after 18 years of marriage and one of the posts was published in the NYTimes. Thanks for the encouragement, everyone! Creative outlets are indeed so important when dealing with this crap. I'd love to hear about anyone else's creative outlets.

vstefans mentioning the incident of losing it and yelling made me think of a particular "reverse milestone moment" - that what I call them. I was just beginning to come out of the previously mentioned worst phase with my mom. Mom had been living in the nursing home for a couple of weeks, but I had found this site for roughly the same length of time and had been reading every chance I had, learning tips and strategies- it was very dim, but I could just make it out - the light at the end of the tunnel. Mom had called and was trying to get me to rent her the apartment, alternating between being pathetic and ripping me a new one. I was attempting to reason with her - I hadn't yet fully grasped the futility in that - and we were going round and round and round. I could feel myself edging towards, panic, hysteria, a meltdown or a breakdown. But then I started to recall things I had read here - and I remember this as if it was yesterday- for the first time it really hit me, it really clicked - I had become the parent and my mother - the unruly, tantrum throwing child. And I worked up the courage to say "I'm not going to keep arguing with you about this. I'm going to hang up now. I'll see you...". After that call is when things really began to change and I realized - like it or not - I was the one who had to be in control. The dynamic that had existed between us as mother and child was over forever. It was a sad moment but in a way, an empowering one. Next time you find yourself cycling in a pointless, endless argument and feel yourself beginning to loose it - try to remember that ultimately you are now the parent.

So true, Rainmom. I told my mom I feel like her Mommy lately, though, given that I'm an ACOA, that is not an unfamiliar dynamic. In today's (blocked) voicemails, she told me I'm being very cruel for keeping her captive. Sigh. It is really hard to try not to respond when she challenges me over and over. When we get together in person, though, she is incredibly mild and sweet, even when she asks about the forbidden topic. Her personality has definitely changed for the better overall.

Hi y'all! So here I was, thinking my mom was doing pretty well with her pain level (deteriorating spine/bad leg pain) and pain meds, and last night I found out she is hitting relatives up for money AGAIN..... She says she is broke, but spends what she gets on people to help her with so many things that do not need doing, even tho SS pays for a hsskkpr, shower lady 2X a week, ensure drink, weekly RN visit..... etc. etc. I do some of the stuff, but my blood pressure is acting up and husband has said no more than 2X a week to go there or take her out. He's right; she's so demanding, and since I can't step and fetch it for her as much as she wants, she pays for all this extra stuff and then says she's broke. She will sometimes take an idea from me and do it, but will NOT let me help her with finances, or even let Mike do her checkbook. I do not have POA or any other paperwork, tho her RN finally talked her into doing a living will - I did not get a copy. My brother is 1500 miles away and other than sending a check about once a year when she asks, he doesn't want to help - nor do I, as I have never been her favorite person and she treats me like a 12 yr old, but she seems to be losing control here, and I wonder what can be done - any ideas, ladies (or gents)?

Oops, should tell you that we get along pretty well and talk on the phone a lot; the trouble only starts when the subject of money or anything "personal", like doctor visits (I'm not allowed to go in or have any input or hear results unless she's out of it with pain (which happens sometimes), then I'm oh so welcome to help.... so I guess I'm OK as a "friend", but not to be trusted with anything else (sigh). It gets old when I have to keep saying "I don't know" if someone asks me ANYTHING about her, and was no good when the doctors told my husband and me she should be in a nursing home - as if I/we could ever get her in one..... even if we wanted to. By the way; she only has SS, so there's no house or money involved here; I just want to help, but "not go crazy".

Xina, it is so very hard to reason with elderly parents who don't realize they need help. That is the worst kind of old people. You need to say "ok, can you do this or that by yourself?" And maybe even be at home and tell her to do what she says she can do on her own and she when she obviously can't maybe she will realize she needs help (unless she is mentally confused)

But I totally get them feel angry and frustrated. I know my mom feels that way. She is tired of being poked and prodded at the hospital and has started fighting them. It's a lose/lose situation sometimes. A big part of it is her own fault for neglecting her health. It's a bi### getting old.

@ Jessiebelle, 'most definitely our brains stay healthy when we do the 'brain games' i realize how real the phrase "use it or lose it" really is. And not just brainy type games but staying active in general. Walks, gardening, socializing. TV doesn't cut it. I used to do word finds and those intense connect the dots puzzles eons ago when I was little and forgot I used to love them. I need to go back to them.

I recently saw an ad sponsored by AARP for a web site that offers word games and puzzles specifically aimed at keeping the aging brain healthy. Sometimes I think I should really look into it -lol!

The big bummer is that my mom cannot use her left (dominant) hand at all, so that makes reading and doing puzzles (both of which were huge pleasures in her life) impossible. And for now, she refuses to learn how to use a Kindle. What can you do?

just tell her yes, you will do that but then don't, go along with her requests, be sympathetic.. play into her misery...give her compliments on how well she is doing, lie to her, tell her jokes, be funny yourself..change the subject..tell her how your day was..take care of yourself...

Xina - your moms refusal to learn to use a kindle may be because she suspects, fears or realizes she can't. A few years back my mom had been complaining about her TV. Mom really didn't watch regular TV often but did use it hooked up to a DVD player to watch movies and other tv series we had bought for her on dvds. Anyhoo - screen was too small, sound didn't go loud enough etc. So hubby and I buy mom a new, larger, stereo equipped tv - surprise her with it and hook it up. Mom practically had a total meltdown. In trying to talk to her as to why she was upset I couldn't get a single reason that made any sense. But we unhooked the new tv and put the old one back. A few weeks later mom apologized- well, as close as my mom ever got to apologizing for anything - and admitted she was afraid she wouldn't have been able to work the new tv. Then about a year ago I noticed mom wasn't reading - which was totally off as reading was my mothers biggest passion. I could tell mom wasn't even looking at her favorite magazines that I took her regularly. I took mom to an eye specialist for her cataracts- that doctor said she still had vision considered legal for driving (btw - no, she hadn't driven for a couple years). So I thought maybe mom needed new glasses - off to another doctor. Nope, he said her glasses were fine. This dr however, suggested that if she wasn't reading it was because she had either lost interest in it or couldn't comprehend what she was reading any longer. After doing some "testing" of my own - giving mom a letter from a friend to read etc - I determined the doctor was correct - that for whatever her reason my mothers not reading had nothing to do with her sight. My point as it relates to your mom? I'm sorry to say this - but perhaps your mothers loss of cognitive function is worse than you think. Sorry to be so blunt but accepting this will make all the tough decisions you're having to make on your mothers behalf- well, they will become a tiny bit easier.

Rainmom
My mom experienced the same progression - sometimes I found her listening to a Spanish tv station merely because she hit a button on the remote and either didn't notice the channel had changed or didn't know how to change back

For awhile it drive me crazy that she would carry the same book around as she loves to share what she's reading - she could never get beyond the first scene

I still bring her magazines and she flips through them and sometimes will share an interesting article I,e, how to lose 30 lbs in a week - but even f she just looks at the pictures it provides a good distraction from looking at the other residents in memory care

Rainmom, I have wondered if part of it is not being able to follow a plot or an attention span problem. She did watch the debates though.

When she reads, she moves the page around to her right eye. She did go to an eye doctor, who said her vision is fine, but something is off with the peripheral vision for sure. She asked me to get her a newspaper the other day and it was just tragic to watch her try to hold it with her right hand. It was falling all over the place.

@xinabess - did your mom get any rehab to help her learn to use the non-dominant hand or facilitate any possible recovery from the dominant side stroke?

@mally - well, there may not be that much you can do. If she is competent to refuse to be in assisted living or skilled care, and she is not in danger of losing her home or her help, she gets to decide who does and does not get the POAs that she really should have in place but does not trust anyone enough for. And, that's that. Maybe just keep it light and sweet for now, stay in the picture, and see where things go.

Xina, i think you really ned to get your mom a very thorough neuro cognitive assessment.. work with her rehab/ neuro doctors about where to get this done.

Hi everyone. The latest struggle with my mom is in regards to her finances. I have POA (she cannot sign anything given her hand paralysis) and have of course had to write thousands of dollars worth of checks to the hospital, the nursing home, for her home care, etc. She saw her latest bank statement (which I was hoping to circumvent!) and freaked out—understandably.

We are also working with a lawyer to protect a chunk of her assets by putting them in a trust. She is not one of those sensible people who worked full time for years and has retirement accounts. She just has it all in one brokered account, and it's not much by middle-class standards. She never thought she'd need care or get old.

Anyway, she is really, really upset. Despite having some cognitive problems, she knows to the penny how much she has in her accounts. As you all know, the fundamental issue is her complete denial and refusal to accept what is happening to her--ie stroke has changed her life and now she needs 24/7 care. She insists she doesn't and why are we taking all her money to pay for this?

As the ACOA, my instinct is to make everything OK, so I'm thinking maybe I should transfer some of my money in her account so the balance doesn't keep going down. Except of course she would see that on the statement. As you all know, it's so painful to see our loved ones lose more and more and more health, money, independence.

xinabess, I understand what you are going through with the finances, bills and statements. Had similar issues with my Dad getting upset when he saw his bank statements. And when he saw the bill for his Assisted Living, he would want to start packing and move elsewhere. It took awhile to get ALL bills/statements sent only to my address.

Whatever you do, do not co-mingle your money with your Mom's money. It becomes too difficult to sort out later on. Both my Dad's Elder Law Attorney and CPA had asked if any of my money was in these accounts, and when I said "no", they said "good".

Our parent will remember how much things use to cost, so to see a rental for Assisted Living being $6k per month, all they can remember was when they were first married over a half century ago, their rent was $75 per month, if not less.

Yes, best not to co-mingle. I just wish she could accept what's going on in her life now and why it must be paid for. She left me 5 voicemails in the middle of the night telling me to bring her all her bank statements right now. Fortunately, she forgets things, so this morning she only wanted to talk about where we're having brunch on Sunday.

Xina - my mom would do the same thing - get her knickers in a big twist, call me and so on. I would then get all worked up anticipating the conversation we'd be having on my next visit - but then when I'd visit - nothing. I eventually learned to just do what needed to be done and to not obsess over the potential mommy meltdown.

Now my mom is fixated on the fact that I have POA and that some of her money must be used for her care (the rest is going into a trust, which will protect it). Since, according to her, she absolutely does not need the 24/7 care (which she absolutely does), why am I throwing away her money on this?

We met with a lawyer and my mom cooperated fully with giving me POA. This week we meet with the lawyer again to set up the trust. Even though I have POA, my mom needs to approve these documents.

I just don't know how to navigate this situation. My mom clearly has cognitive impairment, especially re short-term memory and being able to accept that she is disabled. Nothing and no one can convince her that the 24/7 care is necessary. If she kicks up a fuss about the financial situation and refuses to sign the trust documents, what do I do?? Even when I tell her this is being done to protect her money, she says she wants ALL her money. She knows all her account balances and wants to be apprised of every dime I spend. This is so upsetting because she is treating me like I'm out to get her, when here I've done every damn thing in my power to make this whole situation as good as possible for her.

Anyway, I know I repeat myself over and over and over. Sorry. I am just worried she will refuse to cooperate with the trust and her money being used for her care. Part of me wants to abandon this whole thing and say, OK, to hell with it. No lawyer, no trust. "You deal with it and watch ALL your money fly out the window. We'll cancel the care and you can sit in your apt alone."

Xina
Rant here but don't walk away from getting the trust set up

My mom frequently accuses me of locking her away and taking her money - -what little she has is going quickly and I wouldn't dare tell her how much her care facility and private aides are costing - as it is she thinks she can be at home or go stay with her near 96 year old friend while I'm at work

Xina; I'm assuming that you like and approve of your lawyer's handling of the situation. If mom kicks up a fuss, you look at the lawyer and ask "so, should I walk away and ask the City/State to take over guardianship for mom?" (run this scenario by the lawyer first; she may have a better line).

Your mom having 24/7 care is a nonnegotiable at this point. The lawyer knows that. It's either you or guardianship by the great State of New York.
Stand firm. The lawyer should help you out and back you up!

Xina, if mom refuses the trust documents, you may need to go the guardianship route. This is very expensive but will be paid for out of mom's funds.

Consider very carefully if you want to be your mom's guardian, or if it would be better for her to be a ward of the state.

My stomach is in a knot anticipating our meeting w/lawyer on Friday. What if she does revoke my POA and insist on being in control of her own money? When she asked me why I have POA, I wasn't even sure why myself. Is it because she can't sign checks due to her paralyzed hand? She is not incompetent and does know every single thing about her money.

This is scary. Plus, get this: She told me I have a girl crush on the lawyer and that's why I'm agreeing to all this!! Craziness.

P.S. Should I be starting a new thread for these concerns or staying with this one? I find this site very confusing and hard to navigate.

I guess you guys answered this question, actually--guardianship/ward of the state. Ugh. She is going to freak out about being threatened. And it's so upsetting that this is causing a rift between us, where she thinks I'm acting against her instead of being on her side.

Yes it is craziness, and that is the root of the problem. It doesn't matter if she can do math like Einstein and is oriented to time and place, her total denial of her physical limitations proves that her brain is broken. Has she been evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist?

She was evaluated in rehab. She does have cognitive problems obviously. But ultimately she has to approve the trust and telling her "Mom, you are cognitively impaired," isn't going to fly. Anytime I point out reality, she says "Oh, you are too funny!" Anyway, what will be will be. I just hope it's not a horror show with the lawyer. Stay tuned!

Xinabess, have no compunctions about being a spin doctor here. The trust is to save her money and keep it safe from the government or bill collectors, or something that will appeal to her. What connection does that have to her 24/7 care? None, right? Your being POA helps to deal with the paperwork for the trust that protects her funds.

You may or may not ever need guardianship; one other thing you can do is to get her doctors to write incapacity letters. That offers some protection should she unilaterally want to change POA and allows you to do more things without her necessarily agreeing to everything. You want to honor her and make sure she has care, but with her not grasping reality you just have to tiptoe around that, give her all the choices that you realistically can, but make the decisions that she can't make for her own benefit.