How do I get my partner to move out of my house? He’s ill and I can’t take care of him, but he’s in denial?
He is 70 years old and has a lung infection called MAC, COPD, and is a lung cancer survivor. He is on full-time oxygen and was smoking in his room with it and I had to get him to smoke outside. He’s declining and not caring for himself.
I am stressed out and need him to move out, but he has no money, assets or running vehicle, and he won’t survive. He’s in denial and won’t allow his family to help him. I don’t feel safe anymore in my own home because I believe he’s still smoking inside when I am sleeping.
I’m not well myself; I am 61 years old. We can’t afford to hire someone to come in to help and he doesn’t qualify for assisted living. I’m just trying to not have a nervous breakdown. He doesn’t pay rent or anything, so I can’t evict him. I’ve asked him to get an apartment but, I don’t think he would survive because he’s not eating or bathing and he just sleeps most of the afternoon and at night.
I’m trying to get on with my life but I’m scared when I’m gone that he might blow up the house and my dog! I have looked for resources and help and I can’t find anything.
I would call APS to tell them exactly what you are dealing with. He is a danger to himself and others, and this is YOUR home, so you don't have to allow him to live there at all, YOU run the show. He has it made mooching off you and doing whatever he wants. He isn't going anywhere with his FREE setup.
You are too young at 61 to be stuck with this ticking time bomb! APS will contact his children, give them their numbers. You have no legal or moral obligation to this guy, especially if not married.
I would put smoke alarms in his room that would go off if he is smoking.
Do you love him? The tone of your post implies you don't even like him very much. And that's perfectly ok; circumstances change, feelings change, that's part of life. The choices we make now might not be the best things for us 10 years from now. Doesn't make you a bad or evil person. But by allowing him to continue to live in your home as he is doing right now is just compounding your problem. Don't allow him to make his denial your problem anymore.
How do you get him to move from YOUR house, in which YOU pay all the bills? "Hey, Bill/Joe/Todd/Whateverhisnameis, I'm telling you that you are going move out of my house. I have told you (XX) number of times that your smoking in my house while using oxygen scares me - because of the myriad of things that can happen in and to MY house when an open flame comes too close to an oxygen tube - and you have ignored me and my fears. That is unacceptable. This living arrangement is no good for me, and I want you out by (XX/XX/XXXX) date."
Please bear in mind that requesting someone to NOT smoke in the house, oxygen notwithstanding, is NOT an unreasonable request. That he willfully ignores it shows you just how little standing your opinion has with him
Insofar as "I'm afraid he'll die" if he moves - you can't care more about his health than he does. If he really cared that much about his health, he would have quit smoking the second his COPD was bad enough to need oxygen. It's not like 20 years ago, there are all kinds of medication to help someone quit smoking. Everyone in my husband's family smoked - for YEARS!!! - and they all managed to quit at some point, often after a smoking-related illness diagnosis. And that was before the patches and the pills to help ease the nicotine withdrawal.
It will not be an easy conversation by any means. Sometimes you're forced to have the sucky conversations. Unfortunately, none of us have any magic words that will make it any easier to tell him to move. But it's the only way to get him out the door - insist he move, and don't back down when he starts with the sob stories, whatever they may be. Don't allow yourself to be guilted into staying in this living situation.
You do not feel safe anymore.
It is your home.
It is his responsiblity to care for him.
Stop making this - mentally and emotionally - YOUR issue.
While, of course, you have feelings about him and the situation, it is up to him to ask for and/or accept HELP / ASSISTANCE from his family. If he doesn't ask, he does what he needs to do. Period.
The denial is his. Know this and continue to focus on your and his needs.
In other words, you do what you need to do even if he's in denial and objects to changing his life, which, of course, is reasonable that he doesn't want to change anything.
He knows you.
He feels safe(r) with you.
He is scared
He is scared of unknowns.
He's depressed / given up.
Do not be derailed by his position.
If me ... I would put a contract in writing. A move-out date.
Then, he will take you more seriously.
Call Adult Protective Services. He needs help and you cannot provide and no longer want to. What can they do ... to get him out of there? (I do not know).
Contact his family and also send them a copy of your contract 'move out' date.
They will either help him or not.
Do not let his financial or medical-govt help sway you from what you need and want. You do not owe him ruining your own health and well-being for his benefit.
Perhaps you need to hire an attorney.
I'd give myself two weeks of the above and if none works, I would hire an attorney.
You must give him a timeline otherwise he will drag this on and on.
In addition, get caregiver(s) in to do what you cannot / do not want to do. It doesn't matter if he wants them there or not. You do what you need to do for yourself. If he can afford, certainly let him (you do not pay for caregivers unless he's destitute).
Gena / Touch Matters
He may qualify for section 8 housing, if there isn't a waiting list, but you will need to cops to extricate him if he refuses to go. He qualify for LTC, if he is assessed as needing it by a doctor or a facility. And he may qualify financially is he doesn't have any assets other than a car and a few thousand in the bank, plus SS income. It all depends on what state you're in.
Much depends here on whether this is, then, really a common-law marriage where laws would pertain, or just a partner of a few years, more or less a roommate. One requires legal separation and dissolving of marriage -like legalities and the other requires only an eviction notice.
If you evict someone ill and helpless then there are repercussions as well. You really need the advice of an elder law attorney for options, and you might start with a call to APS to find out your rights and obligations.
Although I don't think that abbydajo should have to put up with the situation, the length and seriousness of the partnership would dictate how she deals with the situation.
If they have been living as monogamous partners, just as married couples do, then she has the same responsibility a spouse would to ensure that her partner was suitably placed.
Nevertheless, she needs to ensure that her own life isn't endangered by his smoking while on oxygen. If she's the one buying his cigarettes, she needs to stop. She also needs to report this - doctors shouldn't prescribe oxygen to a patient who is still smoking, so I presume he lied when asked by the physician.
If their partnership had been more of a casual moving in together, perhaps out of convenience (which I suspect from the fact he hasn't been contributing financially - so not equal partners), and their relationship isn't that serious, then she probably does just need to evict him (after reporting him as a vulnerable adult to APS/social services)- leaving others to take responsibility for ensuring he is suitably homed.
Every family dynamic is different. We can only hope that people here can afford Assisted Living and have a family like you are - although I frankly doubt this is the norm. This writer needs to do what is in her best interest - and call his family ... if he doesn't.