How do I get my partner to move out of my house? He’s ill and I can’t take care of him, but he’s in denial?
He is 70 years old and has a lung infection called MAC, COPD, and is a lung cancer survivor. He is on full-time oxygen and was smoking in his room with it and I had to get him to smoke outside. He’s declining and not caring for himself.
I am stressed out and need him to move out, but he has no money, assets or running vehicle, and he won’t survive. He’s in denial and won’t allow his family to help him. I don’t feel safe anymore in my own home because I believe he’s still smoking inside when I am sleeping.
I’m not well myself; I am 61 years old. We can’t afford to hire someone to come in to help and he doesn’t qualify for assisted living. I’m just trying to not have a nervous breakdown. He doesn’t pay rent or anything, so I can’t evict him. I’ve asked him to get an apartment but, I don’t think he would survive because he’s not eating or bathing and he just sleeps most of the afternoon and at night.
I’m trying to get on with my life but I’m scared when I’m gone that he might blow up the house and my dog! I have looked for resources and help and I can’t find anything.
He did stop smoking in the house.
No, we aren’t married. I was just allowing him to stay in the other side of my house, but he was asked to move a while ago and it took my mother, who owns the house to threaten him with eviction for him to leave. It was like a squatter situation and I didn’t want to call the sheriff.
Iv known him a long time and I just didn’t want to get the law involved. It’s working out just not as fast as we expected because his family is scattered all over the place and it’s been difficult to get in touch with someone who was willing to help out.
I ended up in the ER last week stressed, panicked and sick.
My mother has been a great help and I’m grateful that
It’s working out without eviction or APS.
I have been in close contact with my psychiatrist and she has been helping me through this along with my Pastor.
I just wanted you to know that me and my dog are okay.
He's not calling the shots here, you are. It's your house. So really him not wanting family to help really isn't up to him. Call hoos family and tell them they are to come and remove him from your home or you will abandon him in a hospital ER.
If your partner has no money, no assets, and no running vehicle, how is he getting cigarettes? He isn't ordering them and having them delivered to your house because that's illegal. Have a word with whoever is supplying his cigarettes and tell them there's no smoking on your property and if they bring cigarettes to your house again the police will be called.
Please, do what others have advised here and call APS. In the meantime if he's smoking outside you can tell him that you will not allow smoking on your property and he has to go out onto the street to do it.
If you can get him to the hospital, you ask to see a social worker because you need a 'Social Admit' (be sure to use this term) for him because you cannot and will not allow him back into your home because it is unsafe and he cannot be cared for there. The hospital will admit him until they find a bed for him in a care facility. Make sure to give them whatever contact information you may have for his family too. Hospital social workers will also try to talk you into taking him home on the promise of all kinds of homecare to come and unlimited resources. This is a lie to get you to take him off of hospital property then he's your responsibility. If he can't afford homecare now, he isn't going to be getting any in the future.
I hope you can get him to a hospital. Good luck.
You will need to legally evict him. You can get the papers you need at your local Courthouse.
Contact APS.
He is a danger to you, he is a danger to himself. (smoking in your house while he is on oxygen is a danger to both of you)
Tell APS that you feel unsafe when he is in the house, that you feel he is putting himself and you in danger.
Tell them that you can no longer SAFELY care for this person.
If it so happens that he is taken to the hospital you must tell the medical staff, and ask to talk to a Social Worker as well. Tell them that he can not be discharged back home as you can no longer care for him and he can not care for himself.
If there is a local Senior Service Center near you contact a Social Worker there. They would also be able to report to APS as a Social Worker would be a Mandated Reporter.
If he is a Veteran the VA may be of help as well. Contact your local Veterans Assistance Commission or your States Department of Veterans Affairs. You could also contact the VA and ask to talk to a Social Worker.
Things have changed that's for sure.
However, you are still calling yourself a "WE", when you say we cannot afford to hire someone.
Are you sure you want him out?
Can you bring in his family to help anyway???
He won't allow it? He has very limited choices and cannot legally commit your finances for his care.
You are your own resource. Help yourself.
How hard would it be for you to give him up?
You do not feel safe anymore.
It is your home.
It is his responsiblity to care for him.
Stop making this - mentally and emotionally - YOUR issue.
While, of course, you have feelings about him and the situation, it is up to him to ask for and/or accept HELP / ASSISTANCE from his family. If he doesn't ask, he does what he needs to do. Period.
The denial is his. Know this and continue to focus on your and his needs.
In other words, you do what you need to do even if he's in denial and objects to changing his life, which, of course, is reasonable that he doesn't want to change anything.
He knows you.
He feels safe(r) with you.
He is scared
He is scared of unknowns.
He's depressed / given up.
Do not be derailed by his position.
If me ... I would put a contract in writing. A move-out date.
Then, he will take you more seriously.
Call Adult Protective Services. He needs help and you cannot provide and no longer want to. What can they do ... to get him out of there? (I do not know).
Contact his family and also send them a copy of your contract 'move out' date.
They will either help him or not.
Do not let his financial or medical-govt help sway you from what you need and want. You do not owe him ruining your own health and well-being for his benefit.
Perhaps you need to hire an attorney.
I'd give myself two weeks of the above and if none works, I would hire an attorney.
You must give him a timeline otherwise he will drag this on and on.
In addition, get caregiver(s) in to do what you cannot / do not want to do. It doesn't matter if he wants them there or not. You do what you need to do for yourself. If he can afford, certainly let him (you do not pay for caregivers unless he's destitute).
Gena / Touch Matters
Every family dynamic is different. We can only hope that people here can afford Assisted Living and have a family like you are - although I frankly doubt this is the norm. This writer needs to do what is in her best interest - and call his family ... if he doesn't.
Local ordinances will vary.
Do you love him? The tone of your post implies you don't even like him very much. And that's perfectly ok; circumstances change, feelings change, that's part of life. The choices we make now might not be the best things for us 10 years from now. Doesn't make you a bad or evil person. But by allowing him to continue to live in your home as he is doing right now is just compounding your problem. Don't allow him to make his denial your problem anymore.
How do you get him to move from YOUR house, in which YOU pay all the bills? "Hey, Bill/Joe/Todd/Whateverhisnameis, I'm telling you that you are going move out of my house. I have told you (XX) number of times that your smoking in my house while using oxygen scares me - because of the myriad of things that can happen in and to MY house when an open flame comes too close to an oxygen tube - and you have ignored me and my fears. That is unacceptable. This living arrangement is no good for me, and I want you out by (XX/XX/XXXX) date."
Please bear in mind that requesting someone to NOT smoke in the house, oxygen notwithstanding, is NOT an unreasonable request. That he willfully ignores it shows you just how little standing your opinion has with him
Insofar as "I'm afraid he'll die" if he moves - you can't care more about his health than he does. If he really cared that much about his health, he would have quit smoking the second his COPD was bad enough to need oxygen. It's not like 20 years ago, there are all kinds of medication to help someone quit smoking. Everyone in my husband's family smoked - for YEARS!!! - and they all managed to quit at some point, often after a smoking-related illness diagnosis. And that was before the patches and the pills to help ease the nicotine withdrawal.
It will not be an easy conversation by any means. Sometimes you're forced to have the sucky conversations. Unfortunately, none of us have any magic words that will make it any easier to tell him to move. But it's the only way to get him out the door - insist he move, and don't back down when he starts with the sob stories, whatever they may be. Don't allow yourself to be guilted into staying in this living situation.
Much depends here on whether this is, then, really a common-law marriage where laws would pertain, or just a partner of a few years, more or less a roommate. One requires legal separation and dissolving of marriage -like legalities and the other requires only an eviction notice.
If you evict someone ill and helpless then there are repercussions as well. You really need the advice of an elder law attorney for options, and you might start with a call to APS to find out your rights and obligations.
Although I don't think that abbydajo should have to put up with the situation, the length and seriousness of the partnership would dictate how she deals with the situation.
If they have been living as monogamous partners, just as married couples do, then she has the same responsibility a spouse would to ensure that her partner was suitably placed.
Nevertheless, she needs to ensure that her own life isn't endangered by his smoking while on oxygen. If she's the one buying his cigarettes, she needs to stop. She also needs to report this - doctors shouldn't prescribe oxygen to a patient who is still smoking, so I presume he lied when asked by the physician.
If their partnership had been more of a casual moving in together, perhaps out of convenience (which I suspect from the fact he hasn't been contributing financially - so not equal partners), and their relationship isn't that serious, then she probably does just need to evict him (after reporting him as a vulnerable adult to APS/social services)- leaving others to take responsibility for ensuring he is suitably homed.
You could call center for the aging in your area, they might have some ideas. I'm also remembering , when I hurt myself, doctors asked me if I felt safe in my home, I'm not sure what they say if you say No, but you could try that . Also can you leave with your dog for a few days to a week, let your partner, fend for himself, and everything go down hill, then call APS. You can have him evicted, but it takes time, you need some sleep, healthy food, to get your brain functioning better, maybe getting away from this for a few days, and getting some rest will help you find a solution.
I'm so sorry I don't have better answer for you. ❤️🩹🫂
I would call APS to tell them exactly what you are dealing with. He is a danger to himself and others, and this is YOUR home, so you don't have to allow him to live there at all, YOU run the show. He has it made mooching off you and doing whatever he wants. He isn't going anywhere with his FREE setup.
You are too young at 61 to be stuck with this ticking time bomb! APS will contact his children, give them their numbers. You have no legal or moral obligation to this guy, especially if not married.
I would put smoke alarms in his room that would go off if he is smoking.