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I read that you need to communicate differently with people who have dementia. So after angering her by trying to reason, explain, etc., I tried two different things.
One: I say “yes” or “yeah” in response to what she says. Her response? (angry) “how to you know that?”
Two: I moved to saying “uhhuh” and her response? "You think you are so smart, you are putting me down"… more anger.
What do I do? Thanks.

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Sorry, but your examples aren't really clear. You are saying "yes" and “uhhuh” to what exactly?
The point is to enter their reality and try to find a response that fits. Mom: "Remember that time I had tea with the President?" Laurie: "No, I'm sorry I don't. Tell me about it".
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LaurieB,
At the bottom of this page in the blue box poke Alzhimers Care. This has some helpful information. I try to remember the word ARE stands for never argue, reason or explain to the dementia person. When they say you will not win they are right! There are Tepa Snow videos "the dementia whisper" lady. All nice to watch but when mom is driving you crazy it feels like you can't possibly do this any longer! My mom argued and was irritated a lot. Then she fell and ended up in a geriatric psych. Hospital where she was given depression meds and depakote. Things are much better now with medicine. Sometimes I think it just takes that. I don't lie to her because she is in the stage in the middle where she will remember what is true maybe later. My sister came to visit and my mom said she grew up in Houston while watching the hurricane news. Um nope mom...Kansas. But my sister just said "lots of storms down there". The moment passed but if I would have said that it would not work ha ha! I think they look to us and read our face because we are the people that care for them and they trust us. Other people on here will have a better answer than me but just know you are so not alone in this! CWillie is right. Usually you just have to go to their world!
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Sorry I am not clear. She often complains or is angry about just everything. The house, the couch, the refrigerator, the heat, the cold, etc.
Example: the refrigerator is not working.
I have tried to explain that it IS working but she thinks I dont want her to have a new one.
She is complaining and angry non-stop about everything and almost everyone, and I am exhausted. I know I cannot reason with her or try to fix anything.
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Instead of agreeing try to deflect, Mom: "the fridge isn't working" Laurie: "oh dear, the food seems cold enough though, I hope we don't need a new one. What shall we have for supper tonight?".
Yeah, constantly walking on eggshells has to be exhausting! BootShop's suggestion to watch Teepa Snow on youtube is a good one, her insight is amazing, but putting her advice into practice is another story. The suggestion of medication to alter her mood is also a good one. Being cranky, miserable and confused is hard on her as well as you, an antidepressant might help stabilize her and improve her QOL.
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Again, CWillie is an old hand with answers. I called my mom a "Negative Nancy" once. That didn't go over well! Yep Redirect, walk out to "Go Potty", come back and change the subject. This was a long phase for my mom. At some point this will pass but having the meds calmed the sundowners down. Also my mom had a bad U.T.I. that was found at the hospital when she fell. That makes them a little crazier too. Maybe time to unload all this on the Dr.!
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P.S. I'm sure most of us that watched the Teepa Snow videos are thinking...This is great in theory but it doesn't go exactly like this at OUR house lol!
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Thnk you for your respones. I really appreciate it. I guess I am not alone. My mother has always been in this negative and angry stage .. that is the problem!
Using the fridge as an example: I told her it is working; my brother went over and said the same. So did my husband. She told both of them that I dont want her to have a new one! What? I dont care! She refuses all kinds of help. Every single helper that has come in has been bad. Every cleaner doesnt get anything done.

If its not one thing, it is another. So deflecting does nothing because she is "on to something else" in a second. It is like an ongoing monologue. I feel so guilty writing this, but I am drained, exhausted and though I know it is not "her" (and never was "her"), I am still drained and exhausted.

As for doctors, my brother has POA. She will only go with him and he is burned out and not taking her to doctor often. She does cancel alot. She is on Ativan, but they dont like her being on it. She refused anti-depressants. Things are dysfunctional and my brother will not communicate with me about her doctor visits or anything else. I do send him information that I feel is important .. very rarely ... once or twice a year, and no response. (example a hallucination she had). He saw her having a complete meltdown in hospital with delusioins about him and a nurse, and he remains in denial.
No diagnosis, but doctor first said she is cognitively impaired. then said to brother that she has Sundowners. Finally, I said to him, Sundowners is about cognitive problems (I dont use the word dementia not to anger him) and he said "oh the doctor took the diagnosis back).

I dont know. Maybe it is me and I am just not suited to this. I have been going at this for over ten years. First heart disease (so she is very limited and very ill) and then dementia. Many hospitalizations, falls, crises.

So sorry for ranting, but I am heartbroken and grieving. We do not want to put her in a nursing home, cannot affored assisted living, and, anyway, I dont think we could/should put her anywhere against her will.
I am trying to be a good daughter. I am trying to help, but ... nothing is right.
Once in a while, she is "back" and she realizes and she apologizes. I say "it's okay", I know you are suffering". Then she is back to being ill.

I know, despite all of this, that I love her and that she always loved me and if she knew that she was behaving in this way towards me and other people, she would be very upset.
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I'm going to suggest you open the menu (three lines to the left of AgingCare) and type "boundaries" into the search box, then start reading.
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First, always treat with respect. The person doesn't know they are having cognitive problems and even if they do, it doesn't help.

My DH is starting to see people in the house all the time. Instead of arguing, I sat down with him and assured him these other people will not hurt him.

From my researching online, I know he will also start seeing people from the past who have already passed on. I told him, they will not hurt him either. I am fully expecting him to start seeing brothers and sisters who passed and most likely his parents. My goal is to keep him from being afraid.

At night he only knows me as the lady who takes care of him. During the day he knows I am his wife of 32 years. It doesn't matter in the long run - I am keeping him calm and settled.

Instead of your standard answers, try something like, "I think that is a wonderful idea! You are so clever!!"

Dementia doesn't take away the need to be appreciated and flattered.  I tell my DH daily how good looking he is!  He sucks it up like a sponge!

I told DH's son - sure, I yell back at him.  He doesn't remember and I don't hold it in - better for both of us.
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When my Mother started acting that way, it scared me and I didn't know what to do. After reasoning and explaining didn't work, I realized I had to enter her reality and just agree with her and distract her as much as I could. Wait until the storm passes, what she is upset about one minute she will forget about very quickly.
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Sometimes, a smile, a gentle touch of the hand, a kiss is all that is needed to communicate.
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Laurie B -- Although you don't want to put your mother in a nursing home, you may want to start gathering information about how to select one, cost, Medicare eligibility etc. When hospice urged me to put my husband in a nursing home, I didn't think he would be eligible for Medicaid assistant, but he was. The nursing home took his Social Security check, but that was all.
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Some music therapy might make life more bearable. Try singing or playing some of her old favorite songs. All the better if she can sing to them.
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Our mother is so high wired and honed in on her chosen subject distraction does not work well. We do try the other approaches mentioned here as far as entering into her reality and it works some. But the idea or suggestion that we agree with her did not work in our case. Specifically if her questions were shrouded in suspicion or paranoia, agreeing with her only intensified her fears and obsessions. We learned that quick! Try very calmly and sincerely posing a reasonable, yet benign question back to your mom on the subject she is concerned about, and give her a chance to answer. But, be careful, you can become a slave to these conversations. You may have to slyly introduce new happy subjects. 
I combat the temptation to surrender to the negativity by doing, and talking. Do the dishes and talk, talk, talk. Vacuum, mow the lawn, etc.. Try saying, "let's clean the fridge out, that may help it cool better". I keep busy to deflect much of the obsession and negativity. Arguing doesn't work. The few times I felt I argued or spelled things out clearly, it seemed to work well.....for five minutes. 
Now that's just my approach.  My sister has the ability to just sit and listen well and  to stay neutral. We all have own own way, I hope you find yours.
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Talk to them like they are a child. If she doesn't like your response just change the subject. Keep them on their toes. Talk silly and it will help with your own sanity. You need to stay mentally/emotionally healthy so you can continue to help. Do not let the patient get you down. You are in the driver's seat so take control. You need to not take things personally. You are doing the best you can. Or are you not? Stop second guessing yourself and take control. You are the best. Not everyone can do what you are doing. Be strong!
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We all feel the need to be appreciated. I don't know how I am managing and I don't care - all that is important is that I am managing.
One day at a time and go look in the mirror. If you're doing the best you can, no one can expect more.
Next time with the fridge - tell her it's coming next week! Describe it if you want - God will understand and forgive that small lie.
Tell her about all the extras in the new fridge, like ice from the door! If she says she doesn't want some "extra" tell her you'll cancel the order and get another one. It really won't matter unless, God forbid, the fridge really does go out.
You have to learn to pick your battles and let the rest go. No, it's not easy.
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Join her on her journey. Agree if appropriate, if she is off base ask questions to help you find a way to redirect to another topic.

If you want to have access to her health information you need to be listed on the HIPPA form required of each patient. It identifies who is allowed medical information regarding a patient. Your mother or your brother can add you to the authorization form.

Each doctors office and hospital requires this form. It would be good for you to be added just in case your brother is on vacation, can not be contacted or is unable to take her to the doctor or hospital in an urgent situation. If your brother is so over whelmed might he be willing to relinquish POA if your mother is willing to reassign it to you?

Finally, you sound like you need a break. Perhaps you could go on vacation? Could someone else stay with her? Some memory care facilities offer respite care so she could stay there a few days or a week while you are gone.

Be sure you have friends you can vent to, it is so helpful in alleviating the pressure. On really difficult evenings when I was afraid my patience would break and I would become unpleasant, I would have a drink or two to lower my stress level. Also I found walking a couple of miles a day helped me be more patient and less stressed.

Keep your chin up. Out of love you have taken on an arduous, thankless task. That makes you a special kind of person.
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I think it helps to understand what functions of the brain is being affected and how that will make behavior manifest itself. There is a person named Teepa Snow who has been working around and studying dementia for 30 odd years. She is with the Pines of Sarasota Education and Training Institute. She travels all through US and Canada giving lectures for Caregivers for people with dementia. You can find lots of video clips of these on YouTube and she goes really in depth on why dementia causes people to behave as they do from the different types. She does alot of roleplaying, I would imagine pretty accurately, of dementia behaviors and how to connect with that person who's area of awareness has been drastically reduced by the disease.

This two-part video may be a good place to start. Teepa talks about communication with dementia patients and gives pretty good demonstrations.
WorkSafe BC How to Approach and Communicate with someone who has Dementia https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b1KUM2Db8Bs
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I faced a similar situation with my foster dad and it took a while to get him to come around but he finally did. However, when the same topic came up again, I was back at square one so it's actually an endless cycle. What was really aggravating though it's feeling like a broken record and having to keep repeating myself over and over and over to the point I eventually had to self-discipline and start taking different action by just not responding. I also don't do well with hearing impaired people, this is actually for me to be the most frustrating because repeating yourself raises my stress level so when someone keeps asking you to repeat yourself, I very quickly come to a point of just saying "nothing" or shaking my head  because I won't keep repeating myself like a broken record. Eventually they get the hint the problem is with them and they need to take care of it. I faced this with two people so I do have some experience with hearing impaired or people who just don't "click". 

They say you can't reason with these kinds of people, but I hate to differ because to some reasonable degree when they happen to have a spell where they're in their right mind, I must say from experience, yes you can. They may forget the conversation, but they eventually come around again and somehow remember. I speak from experience because I had the experience of my foster dad before he was eventually put into a nursing home following some events
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One of the best "tough love" questions I was ever asked might apply here. A lot of my conflict with my Mom (whether stated or unstated) had to do with my desire to be appreciated for doing the right thing, being there for her, being the responsible daughter, etc. Of course true appreciation is not in the behavioral repertoire of the disease called dementia. So it was a losing battle. But still I fought on like a trooper! One day someone reminded me of a question asked by a motivational speaker of years past -- "Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?" Of course my initial response was, "yes". Followed by, "when I'm right and others acknowledge it, I'm happy - so why choose?" The answer of course is that when I'm right an others don't acknowledge it, that leaves me unhappy. I've set myself up for failure, disappointment, and resentment. So when Mom says one thing and you know another to be true, ask yourself, "If I just wanted us both to be happy and it didn't matter who was 'right', how would I respond?" There have been some great suggestions already on alternative responses that avoid the "who's right" dilemma. It is counterintuitive to most of us -- maybe because we endured years of schooling that was about being "right" or "wrong". Life is not that simple. It has LOTS of right answers. And most of them lie inside a mindset called "love". Maybe it will also help to acknowledge your love for your Mom and at the same time acknowledge your anger at her disease. Some days that works really well for me. Other days ... well, as others have said, being a caregiver is not something any of us do anywhere near perfectly. So forgive yourself, forgive your Mom, forgive reality ... and move on with an awareness that will help you see more positive alternatives with each day. This is such a wretched disease, and the fact that we even TRY to deal with it positively is pretty heroic. So pat yourself on the back, try to turn it into a game (the purpose of which is to enjoy the creativity) rather than a contest (the purpose of which is to win). And bless your heart - and your Mom's.
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I know that redirecting is the currently advised action, but that rarely worked for my parents. They would obsess on certain ideas. After a long time of trying to treat their concerns with dignity, I resorted to lying. For the fridge I would have just said, yes I think you are right, I'm calling the repair man right now. And then pretend to call. If I that brother had come to to check it, I would have had him pretend to fix it. Arguing an resaoning with my folks was worse than useless. Redirection with some who is obsessed, is more often, an exercise in futility. I
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I learned, after a long struggle, that explanations & reasonings were not going to work. A battle will start which you will never win.

Your best plan of action is to just go along with what your mom says. You know the refrig is working, when she says it isn't go along with her, thank her for telling you, use fibs, letting her know it's going to be fixed. Move on to another subject, distracting her, "How about a piece of that delicious cake?"

Your goal is to avoid any agitation & aggressive dialogue & behavior. Try to remember the "less is better" rule. I know it may be difficult & sad, this is your mom, but you may find the simple "Ok, Yes, Got it," are easier. You may have to walk away, give you both a time out, to avoid anything escalating.

If the goal is to keep your mom at home & it sounds like it is, you will need help in caring for her, behavior concerns tend to worsen, old personalities are old selves & memories. You will have to find the "right fit," to help her with hygiene concerns, don't know if that's come about, but it will. Again, less is better rule, even though you want to help her, her anger & negativity will affect you as well, especially if you are her primary caregiver.

A good team of doctors is important as well. Sounds like there are health issues, so, an accurate diagnosis & the right meds for her may help. A day program, with activities & socialization may be good for her at some time. This will give you a break as well.

Dementia & Alzheimers is life changing for everyone. The more you & your family know the better going forward. Be there for each other, a family team is the best!

Blessings 🌸
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My mother was also delusional and paranoid. Some of her delusions were based in reality. A woman in her facility in a wheelchair rolling down the hallway became a young boy on a bike who was stalking her and stealing her underwear. Sometimes I think that dementia is like turning dreams you have, and in some cases nightmares, into reality. We all have dreams that seem SO real, they can affect us for days. But we know they're dreams and if we share them with friends, because we don't have dementia, we usually have a good laugh about it. I have shared the story before about the aid who thought on her feet with my mom. When Mom became upset about this "young boy" one day, the aide told her, "Oh, he got thrown out. He's not allowed in the building any more." She validated what my mom said, and my mom never mentioned the "young boy" again. It's like when my grandson was afraid of monsters in his closet. My daughter made special "monster spray" and each night, they would spray the room. For those of us who are dealing or have dealt with a loved on with dementia, we must realize it's not their choice to be this way, and some day it might be us.
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We are just beginning the long slippery slope of dementia with mother. She obsesses and fixates on one thing until she's hashed it out in her mind to her "satisfaction". There IS no distraction or gentle conversation. She gets upset over something and remains that way until it's made right, in her book. (Meaning you have to agree with her)

She still reads the paper, but gets all the stories "wrong". For example: my daughter lived in Houston until 4 months ago--her hubby took a fellowship position in Virginia. Now I KNOW mother "knows" she's moved, I was in Houston for 10 days helping them move and then my daughter was here with the Kiddoes and we talked about her new house, etc and how much safer she felt already, moving to VA. Ok, here comes the once in a 500 year flood. Daughter is VERY safe, as she is 800 miles away. Mother is frantic, watching the news, expecting to see my daughter and her children being plucked off a rooftop. (and yes, that was very awful and I know people in Houston, so a very scary time---even as the water recede, it will be years before it's OK) But to mother, K was still in Houston and what was I doing just SITTING THERE not calling out the Nat'l Guard to go rescue her.

No amount of delicate persuasion could get her to believe I wasn't lying to her. I didn't calm her down and I tried, believe me.

Sometimes it's something very simple and she will finally lose interest, but like this with the flooding--I finally had to leave and I am sot sure she believed me.

As far as your brother taking over--why doesn't mom let anyone else take her to the drs? I KNOW Why my mother doesn't. I just wonder in, other people's cases why theirs are the same way.
I am going to have to learn better "dementia" coping skills. My other sibs are MIA and only see her twice a year. They have no idea how bad she's getting.

We can't treat her like a child--she's just hit and miss with this dementia. There are still times when she is totally with us---but when she checks out, so to speak, it's hard.

Sometimes, just for the sake of peace, I will simply agree with her on everything. It's maybe not the healthiest approach, but it's all I can handle sometimes.

No, she is not in a home (yet). I wish.
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Yes, arguing does not help. I know this may mean a little more work at the onset, but having a small, trained pet, is a great distraction for them, and for you. We have a small, housebroken, extremely loving and calm dog. Since we've gotten the dog, we've had many less arguments. Mom does occasionally accuse the dog of loving me more--I just stroke the dogs head and tell him, don't mind what she says. He is great company (and a constant distraction) for her during the day. All I have to do is feed and walk him--but in those walks I get the exercise I need and space from all those negative or confrontational conversations. I know pets are an added expense of time and money, but for me it is so worth it.
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What in the world is Teepa Snow?
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Just google and you will find out! As copied from teepasnow.com:

"As one of America’s leading educators on dementia, Teepa Snow’s philosophy is reflective of her education, work experience, available medical research, and first hand caregiving interactions. Working as a Registered Occupational Therapist for over 30 years her wealth of experience has led her to develop Positive Approach® to Care techniques and training models that now are used by families and professionals working or living with dementia or other brain changes throughout the world"

You can find many helpful videos featuring Teepa on youtube
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It's difficult, but you should NOT say "Do you remember___?" Say, "I know it's hard to remember, but ___ ___ ___ " -or- Don't refer to memory at all, just say we did this now this; or, this is what we are going to do; etc. also, Not too many choices at once. Intstead of "Do you want this or that" say Do you want this/ yes or no? then, Do you want that/yes or no". Not 2 options at the same time. Hard to learn but it helps. Also, if Mom was frustrated about not remembering, I was honest with her. I said, "The Alzheimer's makes your brain have trouble remembering, It's not your fault, I will help you remember".
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Teepa Snow is a person! An expert. Very insightful. I learned a lot at her conference.
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There seems to come a time when it's no longer about who's 'right' or 'wrong' about something...you find a way to deflect from continuing the discussion and redirect it to something else...I don't think there is a set time during the decline of dementia; you'll be able to tell and just try it...it works !!! It's less stressful and you'll be amazed at how you feel...as long as you know all of their needs are being taken care of, it doesn't matter anymore who's right or wrong...just care for them the best way you can and always ALWAYS remember how much you love them no matter at what stage they are in...no matter how hard caring for them is....peace :)
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