How can I deal with anger and obsessions effectively?
Haven’t been asking anything for a while. Thought things calmer but !!!
My 93 year old Dad with vascular dementia was unwell recently. He had really bad chest infection and possibly another silent stroke. He fell out his bed. Did not injure himself but could not walk for a week and was very confused.
For a few days before being ill he was very bad tempered. Was up all night demanding money from staff for a taxi home. Also demanding to visit an old neighbour of his.
He has recovered physically after illness but worse mentally. He gets obsessed and demanding about what he wants.
Asked me to run him to see neighbour last weeks. Said I could not. He demands “why not” . I said going to city with friend. He was shaking with rage cause I said no. I know he will remember and this will go on and on.
I am pretty sure he thinks if he goes to neighbour he can then run into his previous house.
The neighbour has had no contact with him since he went into care in July 2017 so there is no way I am taking him. He is unfit anyway and incontinent and walking limitations . . He is in denial and thinks he’s ok.
The making up excuses does not work as he remembers.
That part of brain must be ok.
The damage in other parts quite severe. He thinks some days he’s in the war and enemy after him and they cannot be trusted.
Any advice. Dread going in to see him now due to the anger.
One of the nurses who used to visit him when he was at home said he was very frightened and anxious but at that time was making up illness to cover it he thought.
He behaved OK for staff but this has changed recently. I am his medical POA so will speak to them about this again. His doctor saw him re anti depressants previously. He puts on a different character for her and she thought he was ok. About 12 months ago mental health team visited him per docs instruction. They thought he did not need meds either. He has different faces for different folk and good at acting and being fly. I will speak to them again though.
Your profile says that he has dementia. I'd try to get some prepared responses that will appease him. When my LO made requests, I didn't refuse, but, put a spin on them, like, yes, we'll go do that, once the doctor signs the form or we're waiting on the insurance card, or my car is in the shop, we'l do it when it's repaired. I learned to always make her right to keep her happy. When he talks about friends or people you don't think he knows, just ask him to tell you about them. So, he can talk about what memories he has or whatever it is in mind. It might be delusions, but, at least he can share what he's thinking about and it might give him a chance to calm down as he relates his story.
And, it's not always that the person with dementia remembers, but, that they don't remember. That's why they keep asking. So, every day it's as if they are starting over with the requests. That's just the nature of the illness and there really is nothing that I am aware of that will change that. It's frustrating and painful to experience. So, that's why I don't fault people who get too upset by visits. We all have our limit as to what we can handle. If the visit is too disruptive to you both, perhaps, you could call the facility and check on him throughout the day, send cards, favorite foods, etc.
You might also chat with the staff at the facility and see what methods they use to appease him.
In the meanwhile, assuming you are his medical POA, I'd have a chat with his doctor about this behavior to see if dad can be prescribed a little something for anxiety, just to take the edge off. I hate dementia and all the pain and suffering that goes along with it for ALL of us; the sufferer AND the family. It's just horrid.
Wishing you the best of luck.