Everyone says not to argue with her, as she has dementia. However, her "reality" is scaring her and she cries on the phone. She asks, " when can I go home? Why don't you come get me! I don't live here!" If I told her I'll be there soon, she certainly calls back and says "why didn't you come?" It's easy to let them live in their own world when they're happy. It's a whole different thing when she's scared and paranoid. Also--she was recently moved to Memory Care from Assisted Living and has been on Depacote for only about 5 days. Help!
Hope that helps!
I tend to be the "explainer" thinking I can persuade Mom to grasp reality if I paint a detailed enough picture. Sometimes I get so frustrated that it takes the shape of an argument in spite of my intentions, but for the most part my mother likes having me around and gets upset when I have to leave. (I live 3000 miles away and care for her in her home for 2 to 3 months each year.)
The oldest of the boys is adventurous, a lot of fun, and has a great sense of humor. He spends some time with Mom in her home and sometimes brings her to his home a couple 100 miles away. He keeps her entertained and doesn't even try to bring her back to reality unless reality involves a medical appointment or a hygiene issue. She always wants him to come back and even imagines that he is at her house.
The middle son is a bachelor and the strong, silent type. While he never confronts Mom about anything, he also is not much of a companion. When he comes to her house to care for her for awhile he keeps to himself and usually busies himself fixing things around the house.
Baby brother is the problem. He blows up at every little thing---and I mean Every. Little. Thing. He loses his temper at Mom and raises his voice at her continually. Although Mom gushes about how wonderful he is and how much he does for her, when it comes time for her to go to his house she balks at the idea. He makes her unhappy with his negativity and yelling. She may not remember the specific incidents, but she remembers the bad feelings.
So that long-winded revelation was intended to point out that they DO store those memories and feelings, and the best thing we can do is make sure that they are pleasant, loving ones.
a tantrum about wanting to go to Sunday School on a Thursday, and I couldn't convince her that it wasn't Sunday. Some years later, I mentioned the incident to her, and her reply: You should have given me a cracker and some juice and it would have been fine. My MIL in her last days would insist it was the wrong day. What I should have done is asked what she usually did on that day, and followed that cue. Similarly, asking someone who wants to "go home" what they like best about going home, or what they want to do there. In other words, try to get past the impossible part to the real reason behind the request.
I just put my (92 yr. old-moderate stage (Level 5-6) Alzheimer's) mom into memory care/assisted living last week. The dementia has gotten much worse with confusion, paranoia, anger and hallucinations in the last 3 months.
She has turned against me for some unknown reason. I see hate in her eyes when she looks at me. She told everyone that I threw her on the floor and stole her pain medication, that I've stolen all her money, made reference of incest, that I've lied to her about everything and that I've verbally abused her. She pulls away from me if I try to hold her elbow when walking, throws my arm off her if I try to hug or touch her and won't carry on a conversation on the phone for more than 50 seconds. :(
Funny thing is...she loves my husband (who's name escapes her memory but she'll confide in him ("I have 2 million dollars in the bank but don't tell her (me) about it"!) Oh, I wish!
I had to trick her to get her into assisted living/memory care. I'm not sorry because things had become unmanageable at the senior apartments, according to the other residents and management. She wouldn't have gone if I'd told her the truth. Her hygiene had deteriorated horribly but she'd say she bathed every other day. She really needed assistance and supervision. May God abundantly bless her caregivers!
Last Saturday we brought her furniture to the facility. She physically attacked me. We're going this Sunday and hubby called the place to ask if they would medicate her with Ativan before we get there. (Maybe if I took an Ativan also, it may help our visit, ya think?) She's always been a stubborn and stand offish person who always got her way. This is amplified in dementia.
This rotten disease turns the affected against the helpers. It is a loose/loose situation with a long, continual deterioration, then death as the final, hurtful blow.
I pray that I will spare my only son from this living hell. Maybe Robin Williams was right in ending his life before the dementia began.
Dementia twists things in people's minds. It sounds as if your mother has regrets and other issues with her own life that she is projecting onto you, her surrogate ego. I'm not a psychologist, but the accusation of incest raises a red flag, that she may have been the victim of such and harbors a subconscious self-loathing that is now being expressed in the only way her mind knows how. Just keep loving her and know that it is not you she hates, but her own inner demons, and pray that she finds peace before leaving this life.
Is mean deminsia I try tomdo
That follow her in her conversation then anmfriend will
In and she'll be mean...
"What ARE YOU
Doing here!" "Get that smug off
Your face" your fat and ugly. I get sooo
My dad runs outside the room
And hides and leaves me in there. He asked
Mon did you call
She ok!? He either wants to go
Hospital!!!!!! What about him
And I? I
Never pay attention to
My husband, don't clean out house,
To pay bills. I've
Been taking care of my family for
25 years even had to
The street from mom and dads.
Is sick but NEVER HELPS. I'm
My limit. I scheduled a
Boat ride for me my husband and d ad
Yestereday . We just got there
And my 25 year
Newphew with no drivers
License or job calls
And says my sister will
The boat won't return for two
Hours now dad
To the hospital. I WAS PISSED. Not one day!!!!!!!
I told my dad to pick her up. I went to bed after
Screaming my feelings! It's always on me. What about my life? I
Love my family like
I said financially, feeding them, shopping for presents from each of thrm
Which is dumb Cuz why did a birthday if it's at my house I bought all the presents
From everyone ( EVERY HOLIDAY). I'm venting. I really have such a big heart
Having a big problem..... Maybe I'm loosing it. You all are treasures as she on in your message. Please teach me patients. I'm totally losing it. Aloha and good look to all
And mahalo for your insights.
IF he has dementia, then what on earth is the point in arguing about where he ate lunch? He was safely out with a friend, giving you a little respite, why not celebrate that instead of getting into a snit?
"Did you have a good time, dear?"
"I guess so. I like Larry. I don't remember where we went but I think we had chicken."
"Oh. Then it is a good thing I'm not planning chicken for dinner. We are having BLT and hashbrowns and root beer floats."
"Umm ... I don't like BLTs."
"Oh. Well you used to like them. I'll make myself a BLT but you can have a grilled cheese sandwich. You can decide then if you want the hashbrowns and float."
There is certainly no point in arguing about where he ate or whether he's always liked what you planned for dinner. None. It is counterproductive and mean-spirited. IF he has dementia, rejecting his inability to reason and trying to force him to remember what he can't remember or use logic that he can't is just cruel. I don't think you'd be here if you were a cruel person, but that is the outcome of your insistence on being "right."
He is supposed to the the crazy one. Not you. So, yes, that is kind of comic. But try to get a hold of yourself, before it stops being funny.
(This all assumes he has dementia. If that is not the case, I apologize for not understanding your post.)
Of course you are having difficulty adjusting to the new normal for your mother. It is heartbreaking. How could it be anything but difficult? And it is hard to break the habit of reasoning with adults, even after the adults are no longer able to reason.
Assisted living may be good for both of you, Do realize that Mom will still be a fall risk and they will be even less able to keep her in her recliner than you are. So don't consider it for that reason, but all the activities available for her there may be more stimulating than staying at home. And you may function better visiting as her loving daughter, instead of doing the hands-on caregiving. I think you should seriously consider a care center of some kind. Start investigating what is available and building up reasonable expectations.
Ativan, or any other drug, may have results different than intended. Treating dementia is very much trial-and-try-again in getting the drugs right (if there are correct drugs for any particular person.) My husband did very well on drugs for various symptoms. I asked his neurologist why and the answer was, "We don't know!" They would love to have some way of predicting who will do well on which drugs. Until they do, it is just a matter of trying them.
About Seroquel: That was one of the drugs my husband did extremely well on. In fact it is probably the drug that allowed me to keep him home with me for 10 years, because it enabled him (and hence me) to sleep through the night. Yes, the general recommendation on this is that it should not be used for elderly dementia patients. But many respected and knowledgeable dementia specialists prescribe it anyway (and watch the results carefully). It is even on the widely-used list of drugs to try for Lewy Body Dementia, created by neurologist Brad Boeve. So the doctor suggesting it for you mother is not a quack. This drug does not work for everyone with dementia. Nearly everyone in my dementia caregiver support group has tried it for their loved ones. Some have remarkable success, as we did, and for others it even made things worse. (The "worse" corrected itself when the discontinued the drug.) You really won't know if it will help your mother unless you try it. To give some perspective on this, the usual starting dose for dementia is 12 to 25 mg. That may be increased if the patient tolerates it. My husband was on 100 mg for nine+ years. Compare that to my brother's dose for bi-polar disorder -- he is on 800 mg a day.
For my husband (and many others) Seroquel was very sedating. He couldn't even walk within 20 minutes of taking it. But I simply learned to give it to him in the bedroom, after he was ready for bed. And that effect wore off in about 3 hours. If he had to get up in the night he could handle it just fine.
Seroquel might be awesome for your mother, or it might be (temporarily) disastrous. My advice to you is to work with a doctor you trust, discuss your concerns with him or her, and then follow their suggestions.
fantastic |fanˈtastik| adjective
imaginative or fanciful; remote from reality: novels are capable of mixing fantastic and realistic elements.
• of extraordinary size or degree: the prices were fantastic, far higher than elsewhere.
• (of a shape or design) bizarre or exotic; seeming more appropriate to a fairy tale than to reality or practical use: visions of a fantastic, mazelike building.
Sounds like she meant either/both the 1st and 3rd definitions.