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In the morning, she is very agitated, with me and has her mind set that i,m trying to put her in a nursing home. I love her and don"t want her in a nursing home. at that time she also also accuses me of being mean and unloveing. It hurts my feelings. How can i take this without getting angry or hurt? what is my best plan of action? she is very persistant with argueing and sharp with the tounge!

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jmullinax, I hear you! I know the fatigue you're talking about. It's even more tiring when others don't believe you. Here are some thoughts: First, search for the word, "show-timer's" on this site (spell it exactly that way, with the dash and apostrophe, to get the posts I'm referring you to). There's 90 (yes, 90!) responses, click on, "show all 90" to see more than the first few they show you. It may be comforting to read some of these. Then, if possible, invite one or more of the relatives to come and spend a weekend with you, just for a visit, don't tell them that it's because you want them to see her real behavior. Not just an evening, it has to be long enough for your mother in law's real "who she is now" behavior to show up. When she acts normal, just bite your tongue, stay sweet, stay calm, and wait. When the bad behavior shows up, just look at the in-laws like, "see what I'm talking about?" Don't say anything yet, because they might argue that that was just a rare occurance. Let them see more of the behavior until perhaps one of them comments on it. Then you can have a realistic discussion about your mil's behavior, her needs and maybe even, your needs. My brother's eyes were opened when he was visiting for an evening and saw me losing it and snapping at her, because he always said, mostly as a put-down, "Karen, you have the patience of a saint". He and mom never got along that well, so he had no trouble believing her bad behavior, but he knew it must be really bad if it made me lose my temper.like that.

This whole "have the relatives visit and finally believe me" scenario may not be too feasible, but we can dream, can't we? If it isn't, then maybe you could print out a number of the posts on "show-timer's", the ones that are most like your situation, and send them to the in-laws, with an explanation that it must be hard for them to believe you, but this is common with dementia and this is what your mother-in-law is doing when she talks with them.

My most far-fetched idea (we can dream, can't we?) is to set up a videocamera in an inconspicuous spot in the room where you and mil spend the most time and just tape an evening with her, cue it up so it starts at a point the in-laws need to see, and send it to them.
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thanks to everyone,for your suggestions ill keep them in mind. I hope all of you had a great christmas. My mother in law has been good for 3 days now. But before then i thought id loose my mind..... lol. She was so bad. Im learnig to tune her out a bit. my outher problems are her family,from out of state.They havent seen her in 6yrs,and dont know me. outher than the phone. What do i do when they argue with me about her care. my mouther in law argues that im mean to her. When im really sweet. They new the person she was not the person she is.Im so sad, sometimes i wanna give up! Im tyred. Yall pray for me.
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Yes...everyones post ring true. I have my 91 year old mom here with me. She has never had a mean bone in her body. But the month after I took her in she would say some horrible things that hurt. After doing some investigation on this disease, I have a realization that this is not her at all. It's her brain with dementia. Try not to take things personal. I know it's hard and it took some getting used to. But now I do what the others on here suggest. I turn it around and ask her if she's feeling okay? Or I take a deep breath and step away. But always come back and give her a loving back rub or kiss on the cheek..letting her know that she is loved. By doing this she changes her mood. There are some meds that the doctors may prescribe like Lorazepam and that helps. But when you give those it will make them hard to walk and that can make it more frustrating.
My mom is now more like herself these days...its just about finding the right mix of medications and love. I took mom off all those sleeping meds and only use the lorazepam when it's necessary. She only takes advil pm and tylenol and on occasion lorazepam.
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Oh, I know how much it hurts when your mum-in-law has a bad morning. Been there. Done that. (My husband is at the end of his journey with dementia.) I found it best to just ignore the insults. Don't even answer. Change the subject if you can or simply walk out of the room. Come back in with a cup of tea , turn on some music that she likes or a TV program and don't even refer to the problem. I'm thinking that this might be part of "sundowning". My husband is in a nursing home now; but he gets nasty in the morning when they try to bathe and change him. His aide told me not to worry about that. She's used to it from other patients; but she told me that sometimes days later he will apologize for giving her a rough time and tells her he loves her! Remember, this isn't really your mil. It's a stranger. Unfortunately, that's the way dementia patients react. I think they might be having a hallucination and think it's real so they lash out. God bless you. This is a horrible disease. I think you are an angel to be so caring. Many tight hugs !! Corinne
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When my mom gets nasty, I ask her if she is feeling ok, if something is hurting, or is she feeling sick? She may not be able to tell me, but it kind of shocks her that I'm interested in her welfare when she's being mean and derails or tones down her current obsession somewhat. Sometimes I leave the room for a while (lock myself in the bathroom with a book if necessary) and when I reappear she may have forgotten what she was being mean about and it's like nothing negative was happening, and she is happy to see me. Sometimes when she is mean, especially if she is also weepy, it means she has gotten hungry (she gets hungry at odd times and usually needs snacks throughout the day) , and I tell her, "I bet you're hungry, let me fix you a snack, and you'll feel better", and she usually does brighten up after she eats a little.
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In my view my mother is looking for a reation to her words. It seems to me that the more my mother can't do for herself the more frustrated she gets. This makes her take her frustration out on you. She hurts so she wants to hurt whoever is closest to her. All you can do is accept it as best you can and show her you love her. I wait until she is calm and then I talk to her and tell her how it hurts when she is this way.
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Jmullinax, there are several different medications that a doctor can place her on, but they have to be very careful with the frail elderly as it can make the condition worse, depending on what other medications she may be suffering from as well.
I hate seeing the list of drugs and setting up our little pharmacy to fill all of my fathers boxes, but there is not one pill in there that he cannot do without and 3 of them is for his dementia alone!
When it comes to this stage of dementia, you need to watch out for yourself as well. I know this sounds terrible, but if my father were not on his medications and became combative with me, he could really hurt me or even my grand daughter, as we are smaller than he is and when endorphins kick in, he can be even stronger.
Once he gets to the point that we can no longer assist him at home, we will have no recourse but to place him in a home for his as well as our safety.
It's not taking much to irritate him now, but is not "him", it's his mind.
He is actually a much nicer person when he is around people his own age, that have gone through some of the same things he has and he can talk and relate to.

Keep this in mind, before you totally make up your mind and go visit some various different homes. Ask when the last time the were accredited, what the patient to staff ratio is, as well as the turn over rate, then as you see family members of other residents, inquire as to how they like having their loved ones in a particular home. Ratings can be deceiving.
Wishing you the best.
Suzanne
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What you are experiencing is not uncommon. Delusions happen frequently in dementia. Is this new or has it been going on for some time? One thing that can cause outbursts and paranoid behavior is a uti. It is always a good idea to check for that.

Keep in mind that this is the DISEASE talking, not your mother in law. She's got this delusion stuck in her mind. She can't help it. It obviously isn't making her happy either. I know it is very hard but try not to take this personally. If she had a disease that gave her a tic under her eye or made her jerk her shoulders that wouldn't hurt your feelings, would it? Well the delusions are as much a part of her disease as tics and jerks might be part of a different disease.

Try not to argue with her. You cannot reason with a person who is losing the ability to reason. Obviously you are not going to agree with her that you don't love her or tell she is right that you want her in a nursing home. But try not to argue with her either. "Oh Mom, it must make you really sad to think about going into a nursing home. I know that you cannot fully take care of yourself, but that is why you are here, so we can help you and you won't need a nursing home. I am so glad you are here!"

Mention her morning agitation to her doctor to see if there is anything that could help her feel calmer, for her same and yours!

This is not personal, directed against you. It is the disease.

You are doing a fine thing to take care of your husband's mother. I am sorry mornings are so difficult.
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