How do I convince my mother that it is time to use a walker?

A walker provides support, balance and stability. Holding hands doesn't. The great danger of holding a parent's hand or the parent holding your arm is that when the parent loses balance and starts to fall, you're going to instinctively try to catch her. In the process, you will injure yourself and your parent will still more than likely fall and get hurt. At some point, your parent's pride about using a walker has to be balanced with your need to keep yourself safe.

I felt my mom only needed a walker when she was out of the house. She didn't like them at all. I didn't mind holding her hand to take a walk. When I took her to mall I would bring her walker and push it myself and when she was ready she would take it. Same with wheelchair. It became her choice. If you haven't already, you will notice a lot of people hold their parents hands walking around.

Several things worked with my 93-year-old mother, when her balance issues became so great that she needed to upgrade from a cane to a walker. She had received home care PT (in memory care assisted living), so she had been taught how to use the walker, but she didn’t want to use it and didn’t think she needed it. At that point of fairly high functioning dementia, she could still be reasoned with.

Her sister worked from the angle that the walker was a tool, same as something you’d use to cook with, or a tool from the toolbox used to repair things. No emotion involved, no shame, it’s simply a tool, there for my mother to use.

I worked from the angle of independence: my mother and I were visiting the cemetery to put flowers on my father’s grave, and she spied a man down a long, rather uneven walkway that she wanted to talk to. I told her, “Go ahead, and I’ll put the flower things in the car,” turned my back on her, and let her walk that distance entirely on her own, talk to the man as long as she wanted, and then come back. Was I nervous? Oh, yes … but when she got back I made the point that she was able to go off on her own like that … with no one chasing her or holding her up or walking next to her … because she used the walker. This “experiential” sort of convincing actually seemed to sink in. After 24/7 home care and then MC, over a year in which she was never left alone, she got to walk alone, outdoors, by herself, and do something that SHE wanted to do, because of the walker.

Both of these approaches were positive, as several posters in this thread suggested, rather than emphasizing the negative of “you may fall and end up in the hospital.”

(The facility also eventually took away her cane … nothing comes easy.)

Now, she’s 95 and deeper in dementia, and sometimes needs to be reminded to use the walker. One of the first things I did when I moved her to a much larger memory care facility near me was to macramé a bright red strip hanging from the middle of the front bar of her walker, for immediate identification purposes. It’s made of red yarn and is about a foot long and an inch and a half wide, and is knotted right onto the walker. (Crocheted or knitted would have the same effect.) She still doesn’t like the walker – calls it “that thing” rather than “a walker” – but I have quite often seen her touching the red tag affectionately, like it’s a friend. It’s the thing that seems to catch her attention and remind her to use the walker. Someone suggested decorating the walker, so I think this is along the same idea – but make whatever it is very hard to remove.

My aunt was nearly 102 when she was passed away, and truly was "as sharp as a tack."
She lived on her own until she was over 95 years old. One of the ways that she was able to be so self-sufficient was that she told me that she knew that she had to give up a little independence in order to remain independent.
She was the one who told me that she needed to use a cane. A few years later she told me that she needed to use a walker. Somewhere along the way she set set up getting help through a local organization that provided light housekeeping and help with her showers. She was a wise woman - I hope some of her wisdom filtered down to me.

My dad talked many other residents into using their walker/cane by telling them that strangers will hold the door open for them - they liked that idea - I used them when I had my knees replaced - loved having my 'rolling chair' right there all the time especially in stores plus the basket was so handy for parcels -

In 1990, after being slammed by a heavy wooden door, [a man flung it open from the other side], it hurled me more than 6 feet, and I landed in a semi-sitting position, snapping the upper end of my femur bone right off.

I had to use an "armrest" type walker after that, and I complained about it to a dear friend who generously took me shopping weekly. She kindly told me that by others noticing my walker, they were reminded to be careful near me.

I never forgot her sensible answer, perhaps it would help to explain it that way to elders who don't want to bother with a 'clumsy' walking aid.

A cane is no good if both legs have problems. You need to learn how to use a cane correctly or it does no good. Best having a doctor tell her she needs a walker. Have her taught how to use it and that is adjusted to her height.

My mother as well initially fought the use of a walker but when THE DOCTOR said she needed one, that made a world of difference. Also, if you can swing it (Medicare actually picks up most of this with a script for the walker from a doctor), get her one of the types of walker that will allow her to sit on it when she needs to and also the seat lifts up so she can stow her glasses, keys, etc. which is a big help. Mom now actually loves her walker and doesn't want it out of her sight for too long, even when we put it in the trunk of the car to take her to an outing. :-)

The swollen may be part of her walking issue. My mom won't use walker either. I recently bought a wheelchair for long distance. She won't use that either. I just stay with her on walks outside to the corner. She climbs 22 steps everyday so I know she can get around she is just very slow which is fine. I think the use of a walker or wheelchair makes them feel like they are not capable. Lucky you that she wants to hold your hand. Just keep it with you and you push it she may get tired and give it a try. I did this with the wheelchair and mom eventually got in but I couldn't push her she moved it with her feet. I just kept and eye on her.

Have her doctor explain that if she falls and breaks her hip she could spend the rest of her life in bed!

1.5 years ago, mom was told she needed a walker but all the talking, begging, explaining, etc., etc., in the world did no good. She was plain stubborn and refused to use it because she 'didn't need it'. This was partly due to vanity. Well, here we are now and and she's confined to a wheelchair (although she insists she can walk on her own) and the walker is right next to said wheel chair - being used as a side table.

I took my mum to the shop and let her push one round whilst looking for other handy things eg. long handled grabber to pick up from the floor. Having trialed the walker we went home with it and she wouldn't be without it now. I just let it be her decision.

My mother would not use one at all when she lived alone. The doctor told her to also...that when in one and and out the other. So, when she did end up in the hospital they worked with her using a walker. I told her to come home and be on her own (this is before she moved in with me) she had to use a walker, the hospital staff was right there to back me up.

Sad to say but a fall makes it easier. We don't want that but in my Mom's case that worked. Her doctor helped & continues to reinforce that. Now her PT staff reinforce that but she still thinks cause she does so well in the wellness program that her goal is she will get rid of the walker. She gets really upset cause we remind her constantly, it is tiresome.

This isn't something a child can do--really, it rests with the drs. Let THEM be the bad guys :)
Mother had both knees replaced last decade....then she was leaning so heavily on a cane, she began falling a lot. Turns out she just wasn't coordinated enough to use the cane. She'd lean very heavily on it and they are just for gentle support, not made to hold a person upright.
After mother's hip replacement, she really went downhill. She has to have the walker (either the folding one or the "rolling" one when she takes a step. Sadly, she has hunched herself over the walker to the point her spine is now permanently curved into a C shape, which then brought on neck and back issues--b/c she refuses to do exercises. She will occasionally try to walk w/o the walker a few steps, to the bathroom, or down the hall, clinging for dear life to anything--and we all know she's one fall away from breaking that second hip.
ALL of us kids told her she needed the walker, it took her dr to tell her she had to use it and his word is like scripture.
One funny thing: If you are the person taking her to the dr, even though his office is definitely within her ability to walk to, she insists on the wheelchair. Now she's talking about getting a "power chair" but it won't fit through her doors. She would ride if from her bedroom to the kitchen (20 feet) and the transfer to the walker.
Also--if your mother is hanging on to you and starts to fall--you're both going down. My mother would hang onto me so hard, I'd ache for days. She never fell with me, thank goodness, but it certainly could have happened.

The easiest solution, let the doctor sell it to her. My mother wouldn't use one as she wasn't old enough yet to use a walker. The doctor agreed with me she needed one, and told her it was just until her back felt better. So she understands a medical reason better than a logical one. Mom is now walking up right and not shuffling, when she has her walker.

Thanks for all your great responses! I went to see her yesterday, and lo and behold, she was using the 4-prong cane that I had pulled out of her closet! It had just been standing next to her dresser, but she actually used it yesterday when we went out, and she said, "Now you don't have to hold my hand." I do think some of it is the emotional need to feel wanted and the closeness of holding my hand which I still do somewhat if we have a longer distance to walk. On short distances she seems to do fine on her own. I guess walking out of her apt. the last time I was with her looking frustrated for not listening to me helped.

Regardless, of what family, doctors, or anyone says, if the senior doesn't want to use a walking aid, they won't use it. I do wonder sometimes, if it's loss of good judgment and not them being stubborn. If they live alone, no one really knows if they are using it or not.

Get her a pretty cane and tell her it'll help move things out of her way, and well obviously help her balance somewhat, it might be a start. There are also walkers that are smaller and made more portable, get one and dress it up for her, that might help.

I hope she will be open to having some physical therapy. Strength and balance training can do wonders and if she still needs the walker then the PT can be the "bad" guy, not you. Good Luck.

My father was the same way. He fell four times before he finally conceded. My siblings and I had a pow-wow with him. Then he had a doctor's appointment and his PCP was quite firm with him about not using his cane anymore. Now he can't walk without his walker. I would get him a walker to have and try to show her the benefits of it and I would call his doctor and have him/her insist upon her using it. Sometimes older people tend to respect/listen to others more than their children.

Heavens, so many people thinking of what may happen far ahead, but missing what's happening now. It is true, all the far ahead stuff, falls have many dangers, some very serious.  And after a fall, the needs are more obvious,  and experts can sometimes convince, but there are other ways.

But I think the answers are that you don't have to convince an elder, words don't work. You do have to say you are worried, and to make you feel better, you can then leave a walker in her house, near ONE open spot that she crosses.

You can say that you've heard stories of falls, and it worries you, and that you know, maybe she'll never use it, but you'll feel better if you know she has it available, so you want to leave it  here, "just for this one spot", if you ever feel you want to use it, that generally she seems to do well, but one time she may feel tired, and she may be glad to use it.

I did that with an elder client, who refused to have a walker in the house. 

Generally, by the way, it is great if they want to keep trying on their own, it keeps up muscles and alertness. But has risks, yes.  And you can tell her, she doesn't want to take risks she can't manage, but don't expect her to agree, just from a talk - or to remember the agreement, even if she did.

I got a free walker at the Council on Aging (where they offer used equipment that is in good shape), put the tennis balls on the bottom so it could slide on her carpet, and brought it over one day, and said I think it could be useful.  When she didn't agree, I agreed with her, that she might never need it, for she does so well on her own. But I also noted that maybe sometimes she will feel tired, and having a little help will be a good thing. When I left, I left the walker there.

The one I brought was for the main floor (and to note, I would not expect her to carry it upstairs, where she also "wall-walked" - up there I organized her clothes so the current ones were on the same side of the closet as the dresser which was half way down the wall, so she could have a solid grab spot along the way.

Details can change, but the idea is to let her experience - in non disruptive ways - be her way of getting used to a new idea. Be helpful in key ways, and not oppose, just see how you can help in ways that she finds useful and enjoy her and her efforts, even if you talk about it briefly,  each time you worry.  Get on the same side. After 2-3 weeks, you will find that the odd time, she does use the walker.  Let life do the teaching then, notice and encourage. 

I just don't think that talk is the way to help many seniors try new things, they are proud of the skills they retain and of using their own judgment, and those are good qualities to hold onto, as long as one can.   

It can take juggling and some talk - but the talk needs to always celebrate the way she is already doing it, and just suggesting and setting a small change for her to "try". Keep it light, and be patient, set up equipment that's simple but works in the space, then the trial itself can help shift the behavior.

jgibbs, that was interesting info further above, thanks. linda, that sounds like a really useful approach... the 'rule' angle might work for many of us.
I hope you will find the right strategy, brdlvr! Maybe she will accept a cane more readily, first?

My MIL is hard to read in that regard. She goes in spells where she falls frequently, then won't fall for a long time. Her need to hold a hand in public or when we are around is largely psychological. She wants to feel she's being taken care of, and her increasing feebleness and difficulty keeping her balance frighten her. She wants us to demonstrate our concern for her more than she actually needs help a lot of times.

I bought her a quad cane and a walker but she won't follow instructions about how to use them properly. She wants to lay on the cane so hard she throws her balance off and hurts her shoulders. And she makes a point of crashing the walker into the walls and furniture to demonstrate her impatience with it. No good answer really, it's going to have to be her idea.

My mother fussed a lot about using a seat belt when they first came out. But once it became a law with a fine for non compliance she simply buckled up without comment. My brother explained that he might have to pay a fine if they were stopped.

I wonder if inventing a rule might help in this case. "The insurance company will increase your premium if you are seen not using your walker outside your home."

We had to use a different approach. My sister brought the walker home and adjusted it for our mom's height. It was just always there and eventually our mom tried it out. We also refused to take her out without it, as our own safety was now at risk. Since we would no doubt be injured if we tried to stop her from falling, we now had the right to require her to use the walker and keep us all safe.

I'm not sure why, but, so many seniors don't want to use a walker, even though, they obviously need it. Based on what I have seen, begging, pleading, suggesting, etc. isn't very effective. It's just one of those things that they get stuck on and they don't change until they are ready. Sometimes, a fractured hip may cause them to change their mind.

Also, I'm not sure about your mom, but, when my cousin starting having strokes, she refused to use her walker or cane. I thought that she was being stubborn, but, as it turns out, she had cognitive impairment, that caused her to lose her better judgment AND she forgot to use it too. So, the only way to get her to use it, was to be with her constantly and to constantly remind her to use it.

I wish I had better news.

BarbBrooklyn, that is a good point about possible strokes being involved. My mother has had some strokes -- TIAs and possibly others. It never occurred to me that strokes could cause changes in the brain to increase anxiety.

But regardless, it would make no difference. She would refuse to have neurocognitive testing done, and will refuse to take any kind of anti-anxiety meds. And her PCP doesn't like to prescribe them to older patients.

brdlvr1, I agree that a doctor or physical therapist should be the ones to convince Mom she needs to use a walker or a cane. And she should definitely have a PT session to learn how to use it correctly.

Parkinson's can definitely cause problems with walking. It can also involve dementia. Not everyone with PD has dementia, but a large percentage do, so a medical evaluation of that might be in order. One manifestation of that kind of dementia is a problem with depth perception. A doorway threshold can look like a huge step to get over. The difference between the floor in the hallway and the floor in the elevator can be frightening. Sometimes a shiny floor looks like it has water on it. All these perceptions can cause issues with walking. And these issues don't go away with a walker or cane.

Using a walker or cane is not a guarantee to prevent falls. The National Center for Injury Prevention states that up to 47,300 people each year over 65 go to the ER due to a fall with a walking aid. In addition to convincing your mom to use a walker you'll have to remind her about using it correctly. (Or, better yet, a medical person should do the reminding, which you can just repeat.)

In the house, many elderly do "furniture walking" -- placing their hand on the back of this chair, leaning a little against the wall, touching the dresser, etc. They get used to certain pathways they feel safe with. Using a walker means giving up this safe path and the transition may be difficult.

The resistance to using a walker may involve a lot more than stubbornness or the wish not to appear "old."

Does she use a cane? If not, that might be a good temporary solution. I would talk to her doctor, and explain what happened. Depending on her insurance, she may qualify for one on wheels with a seat like my Grandmother uses. Explain to her that it will help her balance, and when her knee hurts she can sit down. I had to fight my Grandma tooth and nail also to use one, but as soon as she had it she loved it. She calls it her go cart.