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Trying to help my 92 year old grandmother from another state, she's lost both children, husband and is the last of her family except her grand kids (6 of us). My husband and I live in Tx, while she lives in Va. My brother and cousins demand that we quit our jobs, and move to Va. My husband has a great job here, his dream job, we just had our first grandchild ourselves 2 months ago and see him all the time. Even my grandmother's neighbor (elderly herself) has told me I'm the worst granddaughter on earth because I haven't packed up and moved there and tries to convince my grandmother I don't care about her. I am the only one who calls my grandmother, does my best to make sure she has what she needs, listens to her hurtful angry outbursts, been accused of stealing or moving things around (I live 1400 miles away) No one else in the family wants to help me out, either visiting her (they live in Tx and NY, I can't even get my 28 year old daughter to go see her and she lives 2 hours away from Grandmother, she says her work schedule is complicated) I just got back from seeing my grandmother over Christmas and am leaving in the morning to go back to see her with my middle daughter and the new baby. The family is expecting my husband and I to give up our lives while they sit back and do absolutely nothing, not even calling her, or even asking how she's doing, then make me feel bad for not moving to Va fast enough. I'm at my wits end. My grandmother still drives (says she will know when to stop. I think she should have already stopped) My husband is looking for jobs in Va, and while I mind in a way of giving up our lives here (we live at the beach which was a goal when the kids grew up) I am trying to move to be closer to her, But I don't think it should all be thrown on me. The last time my brother saw her was a year ago when my mother (my grandmother's last living child) passed away, and he promised grandmother he would visit her, but now says "I can't take time off work" or "It doesn't fit in with my wife's timeline" I don't know really what my question is, but I just dont know what to do anymore. I'm a ball of stress constantly.

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I just want to ask you one question, and then I want you to think long and hard on the answer:

Why, out of 6 grandchildren, are you the one expected to dismantle your ENTIRE life to move to another place to take care of granny? What makes you the "fortunate" one?

Right now, you're living in your dream place and your hubby has his dream job...why does anyone expect you to leave your dreams behind and move into a complete nightmare? (OK, so I asked 2 questions).

I think you're letting your heart dictate your moves here...I really think you need to listen to what your head is telling you and stay put.

If you can't bring yourself to abandon granny, and she is unable to live alone, then you can offer to ***HELP*** her either 1) find at home care to hire or 2)find a facility that will meet her needs. But make *** very certain *** you explain to any and all persons who feel they have a say in this that it will be granny's money that will pay for this.

You know deep inside that uprooting yourself from your life to take care of this person will lead to nothing but heartache. You have the ability right now to put a stop to this thinking and say NO. It doesn't make you a bad person; it doesn't do dishonor to your deceased parents. DON'T let anyone try and guilt you into that train-wreck of a thought process. Please, for the sake of you, your husband, your marriage, your kids and your grandkids, don't move to take care of grandma!
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Reply to notgoodenough
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Allora2 Jan 13, 2021
Notgoodenough is 100% correct. Follow her advice. You are obviously a very caring person. You have already shown much care for your Grandmother that is why the other grand children just expect you to move and take care of everything! Don’t do it.
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Your brother and cousins are real pieces of work. Why on earth would you do what is not what's best for you and your husband? Your grandmother needs to move into a senior living facility. Period. You can research places from the beach in Virginia. Your husband should not quit his dream job. Live your life because everyone else in your family certainly is living theirs.
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Reply to NYDaughterInLaw
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Another piece of advice after reading your further comments - please, please stop putting pressure on your daughter to go visit great-grandma. Because the resentment your daughter feels is going to last and poison your relationship long after grandma is gone. At 28 years old, she can make decisions for herself on how to spend her time. Would it be nice if she would visit? Absolutely. Should you be pressuring her to? Absolutely not.
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AlvaDeer Jan 12, 2021
I so agree.
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You are putting way too much stock in what other people are saying - why do you care what the old biddy next door to your gma thinks? And are the other members of the family really expecting you do move and become a caregiver or are you inferring that based on the fact they won't do anything themselves - just because nobody else steps up doesn't mean you are nominated by default. If you've been asking the others to do X, Y or Z and they say no, do it yourself that isn't necessarily an expectation. If anybody needs to be flexible it is grandmother, if life changes need to be made they are hers to make, not yours. Prioritize what is absolutely necessary for your grandmother and what you can reasonably take on without compromising your own family, the rest is not your responsibility.
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Reply to cwillie
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I didn't even need to read your complete story to know what to advise: Ignore all these people, including the pleas of your grandmother. This is not your problem. You can't do much or evaluate the situation from 1400 miles away and all you are going to get from your family is grief so call Adult Protective Services and let them know that they should check on your grandmother to evalute her situation. They can take over. There is no amount of care or helping that you can give to your grandmother that will appease your family members. No matter what you do they are going to find fault with it.

Next, get yourself to a psychologist to help you deal with this totally disfunctional family situaton.
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Reply to jkm999
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No, of course you don't give up your home, your lives, your jobs and move back for your 92 year old Grandmother who already has family in the area. Time to stop all the discussions. We used to have a much love member of Forum who would say that this is what you should tell them; tell them "I am so sorry. I couldn't possibly do that". Period. End of sentence. Full stop.
I mean full stop. Stop arguing with all of them. Stop listening to them. And if a bunch of folk in VA think you are not a very nice person? Just how does that impact your good lives in Texas.
Stay put. Let them work it out. Tell them you wish them all the luck in the world but that being in Texas there is honestly nothing you can do for them In VA. Take a leaf out of your bro's book; he's the smart one. Say, "So sorry. Can't take time off. Just doesn't fit with our job's timeline".
Your grandmother is 92. I hope she has had a splendid life with lots of living and lots of loving. She may now need to go into some placement, and she will have her memories, and form friendships there, and be cared for while you go on to live a life, remembering the life lessons you learned from her.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Grandma needs Assisted Living. Period. Ignore the guilt trips the others are laying on you b/c they're too lazy and uninterested in doing anything for grandma THEMSELVES, and help her get settled in some kind of senior living residence. Then tell the 'relatives' to stop calling you entirely. They have some nerve, they really do. Heaping it all on YOU while they sit around doing jack. Isn't that rich?

Good luck!
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Reply to lealonnie1
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There is no situation on earth that would cause me to leave my wonderful grandchildren.

I would contribute funds, if I had them, but IMNHO, ESPECIALLY considering the family dynamic among the rest of your siblings, I’d be HAPPY to have 1/6 of the responsibilities EQUALLY SHARED AMONG THE 6 GRANDCHILDREN (but factually THIS NEVER HAPPENS, because SOMEBODY or SOMEBODIES ALWAYS absent themselves for VERY (HAHAHA) GOOD REASONS), and if one or more sibs bject, they may pick up your 6th share themselves.

You visit, presumably communicate socially, and are willing to “HELP” however you can, but that does NOT mean dragging yourself away from that GRANDBABY.

However you got saddled with this and your “dear Sibs” got the pass, you need to do your best with learning to ignore. If you don’t, you’re going to wind up becoming Grandma’s workhorse, and getting to know that baby by ZOOM and missing out on first smiles, first time being called “GaGa” (or equivalent) and changing poopy diapers (a thrill RESERVED for grandmas).

DON’T BROOD, DON’T STRESS, DON‘T GO!!!!!!
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Reply to AnnReid
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Since your brother says he can’t move to VA because his wife won’t have it, you should tell him the same thing-tell him your husband won’t allow it either. He can’t rebuke that can he? Echoing the choir, DO NOT move. Your husband has a job, you have your grandchildren where you are. Why would you give all that up for someone who has already lived a very long life? She got to live life now she wanted right? Well you have the right to do the same. Move her to assisted living. She will have a village of caregivers and other residents to socialize with. If you move up there, YOU alone will be her caregiver and entertainment community. Your life will revolve around her. Are you prepared for that?
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Reply to worriedinCali
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Please do not give up your life!! And your husband has a good job? In these times that is like solid gold. Frankly I don't think you should risk your financial future. As for the rest of your family - they are trying to guilt you! For sure you have no more responsibility for grandma than they do! Of course they will try to dump all the work on you - that let's them off the hook. But I say that is moral evil, abuse of another person, you.
You could help consider options for grandma's care. All the options, not just the traditional idea of a "woman kisses it and makes it well!" Not any woman's lot in life to clean up everyone else's problems. How about some basic fairness and justice here? They are concerned about Grandma? Fine. But it is up to them to work on the problems as much as you. Keep strong. Don't swallow their bully tactics. Expect they care more about their own comfort, rather than Grandma's best interests.
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Reply to rovana
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tonyat6183 Jan 21, 2021
Family isnt really concerned about my grandmother, they are concerned with what they will get when she passes away. They dont call her (not even on Christmas)

My brother will call me or text (mostly text) about her, Not really about her care, more so about why im not living there yet. I tell him, You should go see her or hell, even call her. He just says "I cant take off work" or "I call she doesnt answer" well he calls when he knows she is feeding the deer and is outside. But hey, he can say he called.

She will and has been calling one of my cousins for about 5 months, always gets voicemail, and she never calls my grandmother back. My grandmother makes excuses for her saying shes busy with her kids (who are older) I think anyone can take 5 minutes a month just to call and say HI.
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