Trying to help my 92 year old grandmother from another state, she's lost both children, husband and is the last of her family except her grand kids (6 of us). My husband and I live in Tx, while she lives in Va. My brother and cousins demand that we quit our jobs, and move to Va. My husband has a great job here, his dream job, we just had our first grandchild ourselves 2 months ago and see him all the time. Even my grandmother's neighbor (elderly herself) has told me I'm the worst granddaughter on earth because I haven't packed up and moved there and tries to convince my grandmother I don't care about her. I am the only one who calls my grandmother, does my best to make sure she has what she needs, listens to her hurtful angry outbursts, been accused of stealing or moving things around (I live 1400 miles away) No one else in the family wants to help me out, either visiting her (they live in Tx and NY, I can't even get my 28 year old daughter to go see her and she lives 2 hours away from Grandmother, she says her work schedule is complicated) I just got back from seeing my grandmother over Christmas and am leaving in the morning to go back to see her with my middle daughter and the new baby. The family is expecting my husband and I to give up our lives while they sit back and do absolutely nothing, not even calling her, or even asking how she's doing, then make me feel bad for not moving to Va fast enough. I'm at my wits end. My grandmother still drives (says she will know when to stop. I think she should have already stopped) My husband is looking for jobs in Va, and while I mind in a way of giving up our lives here (we live at the beach which was a goal when the kids grew up) I am trying to move to be closer to her, But I don't think it should all be thrown on me. The last time my brother saw her was a year ago when my mother (my grandmother's last living child) passed away, and he promised grandmother he would visit her, but now says "I can't take time off work" or "It doesn't fit in with my wife's timeline" I don't know really what my question is, but I just dont know what to do anymore. I'm a ball of stress constantly.
Why, out of 6 grandchildren, are you the one expected to dismantle your ENTIRE life to move to another place to take care of granny? What makes you the "fortunate" one?
Right now, you're living in your dream place and your hubby has his dream job...why does anyone expect you to leave your dreams behind and move into a complete nightmare? (OK, so I asked 2 questions).
I think you're letting your heart dictate your moves here...I really think you need to listen to what your head is telling you and stay put.
If you can't bring yourself to abandon granny, and she is unable to live alone, then you can offer to ***HELP*** her either 1) find at home care to hire or 2)find a facility that will meet her needs. But make *** very certain *** you explain to any and all persons who feel they have a say in this that it will be granny's money that will pay for this.
You know deep inside that uprooting yourself from your life to take care of this person will lead to nothing but heartache. You have the ability right now to put a stop to this thinking and say NO. It doesn't make you a bad person; it doesn't do dishonor to your deceased parents. DON'T let anyone try and guilt you into that train-wreck of a thought process. Please, for the sake of you, your husband, your marriage, your kids and your grandkids, don't move to take care of grandma!
Next, get yourself to a psychologist to help you deal with this totally disfunctional family situaton.
I mean full stop. Stop arguing with all of them. Stop listening to them. And if a bunch of folk in VA think you are not a very nice person? Just how does that impact your good lives in Texas.
Stay put. Let them work it out. Tell them you wish them all the luck in the world but that being in Texas there is honestly nothing you can do for them In VA. Take a leaf out of your bro's book; he's the smart one. Say, "So sorry. Can't take time off. Just doesn't fit with our job's timeline".
Your grandmother is 92. I hope she has had a splendid life with lots of living and lots of loving. She may now need to go into some placement, and she will have her memories, and form friendships there, and be cared for while you go on to live a life, remembering the life lessons you learned from her.
Good luck!
I would contribute funds, if I had them, but IMNHO, ESPECIALLY considering the family dynamic among the rest of your siblings, I’d be HAPPY to have 1/6 of the responsibilities EQUALLY SHARED AMONG THE 6 GRANDCHILDREN (but factually THIS NEVER HAPPENS, because SOMEBODY or SOMEBODIES ALWAYS absent themselves for VERY (HAHAHA) GOOD REASONS), and if one or more sibs bject, they may pick up your 6th share themselves.
You visit, presumably communicate socially, and are willing to “HELP” however you can, but that does NOT mean dragging yourself away from that GRANDBABY.
However you got saddled with this and your “dear Sibs” got the pass, you need to do your best with learning to ignore. If you don’t, you’re going to wind up becoming Grandma’s workhorse, and getting to know that baby by ZOOM and missing out on first smiles, first time being called “GaGa” (or equivalent) and changing poopy diapers (a thrill RESERVED for grandmas).
DON’T BROOD, DON’T STRESS, DON‘T GO!!!!!!
You could help consider options for grandma's care. All the options, not just the traditional idea of a "woman kisses it and makes it well!" Not any woman's lot in life to clean up everyone else's problems. How about some basic fairness and justice here? They are concerned about Grandma? Fine. But it is up to them to work on the problems as much as you. Keep strong. Don't swallow their bully tactics. Expect they care more about their own comfort, rather than Grandma's best interests.
My brother will call me or text (mostly text) about her, Not really about her care, more so about why im not living there yet. I tell him, You should go see her or hell, even call her. He just says "I cant take off work" or "I call she doesnt answer" well he calls when he knows she is feeding the deer and is outside. But hey, he can say he called.
She will and has been calling one of my cousins for about 5 months, always gets voicemail, and she never calls my grandmother back. My grandmother makes excuses for her saying shes busy with her kids (who are older) I think anyone can take 5 minutes a month just to call and say HI.