What should I do when she asks about dead relatives, or insists on something that is incorrect?

CH
What you describe is very common especially around 4:00 pm and will get worse with the end of daylight savings -my mom always wanted to hide in the house around that time of day so "they" couldn't find her

Even on seroquel my mom is convinced men in her memory care center are convicted felons - of course it doesn't help that they wander aimlessly around barefoot wearing only a diaper

I have never been a big believer in lying but staff at my mom's memory care center tell lies all the time so much so that I've asked them not to do so - I don't think telling her I'll be there in 15 mins helps when I may or may not be there for several more hours - a simple she's working late and will be here tonight is better IMHO

As all her siblings and friends are gone and my dad passed nearly 40 years ago why should I let her think they're alive but never visit - before the dementia became bad I would always tease when she said she missed her sister by replying well don't miss her too much you don't want to join her

They may not have any short term memory but boy when they get fixated on something they're like a dog with a bone and won't let go and their ability to stay on the same thread can outlast the patience of a saint - my go to response over any problem is you are safe and I have taken care of it for you and then give her a piece of candy

I see - what she is insisting on is not so much incorrect, as irrational.

But not to her. What she may be experiencing is a sense of nameless dread, terror that something appalling has either happened or is just about to, and she must ensure that everyone is accounted for and secure.

The poor lady is living a nightmare, and it is almost certainly a brain chemical disorder (possibly exacerbating existing personality traits), and GIMA's advice is very sound - your mother is exactly the sort of person for whom anti-anxiety meds are unambiguously a good idea.

Your next problem will likely be persuading her to see a doctor and persuading her to agree to the medication. My highly sceptical mother was eventually convinced by her medically qualified and much-loved granddaughter to try Citalopram to 'help balance your brain chemicals' was I think how she put it.

Sketching out for your mother a broad picture of how the principal hormones work and what their effect is can help her to understand that this is a physical problem, that nobody is accusing her of losing her mind, and that the drugs available are no more whacky or hocus-pocus than are antibiotics for infection. I do wish you success, please let us know how you get on.

This is called anxiety. Even young people can suffer from this and believe me when I say suffer. They have medications that can help smooth the rough edges and give her a little peace. Please talk to her doctor about this.

Thank you for your answers. What I meant by the second part of the question is mainly about my mother's excessive worrying. For instance, if my wife, my sister, and I are sitting on our patio in the evening, she will demand that we come inside, and lock the door. She usually has the house locked up tight by 4pm, and she cannot relax if everyone is not inside for the night. If my sister does not immediately answer her e-mails, she will call my sister's grown children, getting them all upset, looking for my sister. Is there anyone else dealing with something similar?

I agree with kthln about telling the truth, and I accept the RN's assurance that her sister's approach is fine too.

When you say your mother insists on something that is incorrect, are we talking about statements of fact? As in, I don't know, "Finland is the capital of Norway" (to borrow my favourite line from 'Earth Girls Are Easy')?

As long as it is something that cannot possibly cause harm, such as her believing that kind of thing, then agree if you want a quiet life, or if you have time and don't want to connive at her memory's evil tricks, then gently lead her back to the correct version. The Socratic approach is ideal.

For heaven's sake don't argue for the sake of it, though!

Do what feels comfortable for you! Dad asks me at least 5-6x daily where his 7 brothers are. I tell him the truth. He asks where mom (his wife) is. I tell him the truth.

My sister, who is here the bare minimal amount of time, will tell him the truth about his brothers having passed away; she has been telling him that mom "is at the store shopping & will be home in a hour or two," and he's accepted both answers. Hospice RNs have also told us that doing either is fine.

If she has short term memory losses I agree that either way is fine. My dad has been in my care for 4-1/2 years now (I am the 24/7 live-in caregiver) and accepts my truth as well as he accepts my sister's untruths.