My mother is fine during the day & manages ok with super absorbent menstrual pads. Night time is where the problem lies, in that she moves so slowly in getting to her adjoining bathroom, she goes through 2-5 pairs of underpants & heavy bladder control pads, and often leaves a trail or puddle around the toilet. So far no bed accidents. She always says she wants to help me, & and feels bad when she sees me cleaning the bath, but when I bring up reducing my laundry & cleaning by switching to Depends at nigbt, she gets defensive, denies that she even has to get up during the night, and of course doesn't know who puts the soiled underwear & pads in the laundry & trash. She goes so far as to say someone else must be using her bathroom! I know this is sensitive & embarrassing for her. Do I just get them like I did with the heavier pads and insist that is what she uses? (She took huge offense when she saw the Poise bladder control package). She has mild dementia with reduced short term memory. Have not addressed this with her doctor - maybe his directive would carry more weight. I am present at appontments. Advice please!

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Eyerishlass, I got to remember "I need YOUR help" any time my parents balk at doing something, that might get them to see things differently.

In today's world of people being so opened about personal habits, I am still surprised at how embarrassed my mother still is at 96. I get their groceries, and mine, through on on-line grocery service which is a huge time saver for me.... anyway, Mom didn't want to order Poise from the on-line service, she didn't want them to know she was using that product.... say what?.... but Mom will go shopping with me at Target and buy the product, thus a cashier will ring her out and see what she is buying.... Go figure.

It's been months since Mom bought Depends for Dad, so I don't know what he is doing.... well, I might know what he is going, as once in awhile I will see rug cleaning products set out.... or a stain on the back of Mom's slacks where she apparently had sat after Dad had sat there earlier. But I figure that is THEIR CHOICE not to buy said products, their house, their sofa/chairs, thus they have to clean up after their choice.... [sigh].
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It is an embarrassing conversation to have, for everyone involved. To our elderly parents the loss of bladder control is the worst thing that can happen to them and is indicative of the loss of control over their lives and their bodies.

I cared for my dad and we had this issue come up as well. He was incontinent of bowel and refused to wear Depends, said they were uncomfortable. So I tried other types like the one with the tabs and the ones with the elastic waist. Nothing suited him. But everyday I was on my hands and knees scrubbing stool off of the carpet, out of my car, off the wood floors, etc. He'd have an accident and then try to rinse out his underwear in the shower which led to stool being all over the shower, soap dish, and knobs (he had very loose stools).

Finally I had to have that talk with him. I told him that I understood that this was very embarrassing for him, especially since I was his daughter, but that I couldn't continue cleaning up after him everyday. I reminded him that he lived with me so I could help him and we were at a point when I needed HIS help. I told him that it would be much easier on me if he would wear Depends. I validated his feelings by telling him that I know how difficult it must be to take that step but that's where we were and it was his turn to help me out.

When dealing with issues with my dad I called some of my tactics the "help me help you" approach. This always worked with my dad. The last thing he wanted was to be a burden on me or to make things difficult for me so I would cloak the "burden" in "I need your help to care for you" and my dad always responded to this.

He did begin using the Depends after I had to clean up after him numerous times and after we had a few conversations.

My suggestion would be to be honest with your mom. Be careful of her feelings and be sympathetic but let her know that it's no longer ok for you to keep cleaning up after her, that you don't feel you have to do it everyday. It's a lot of extra work and if she would please agree to use Depends it would make life much easier for the both of you.

Some people suggest getting rid of the underwear and placing the Depends in their place. This is a drastic step and I don't know if it works or not but your mom wears underwear during the day so I don't know if this would help or not.

The subject of Depends is very common and I'm sure you'll get a lot of responses. Good luck!
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My mom had what they call "fecal incontinence" from overuse of laxitives and immodium. Her solution was just to never go anywhere. when I finally figured out what was going on, I went with her to the doctor who re-arranged her meds. I asked him, while we were there, "well, what do you suggest in the meantime doctor, for when Mom has to go out?" "Adult diapers", he said, in a matter of fact tone. I got Mom a box of depends and she used them until the problem cleared up. Somehow, having a doctor say this made it okay. I had suggested it before and she was, as you say, sensitive and defensive and "oh I couldn't do that".
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I would likely get the appropriate adult depends and put them in a plain container so they are not labeled. Then insist that is what the doctor is prescribing for her night time bladder needs. Explain it's required, so there is no debate about it. Once she begins, it would likely take the stress off of her and you.
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