My mother isn't loyal. My adult kids treat me terrible and are mad because I take care of her and can't babysit. Yet she calls them often!

I looked at this differently. I think when she says "Mom isn't loyal" she means because she continues to talk to the grands. I get OP thinks mom should be on her side because her kids treat her terrible, not that Mom is hard to care for. The problem is not Mom, its OPs selfish children that need to be delt with. She deserves respect and she is the one who needs to hang up or walk away. She also tells them that she is not their babysitter. Right now Grandmom is #1. One person at a time.

I want to encourage you to get some counseling for yourself.

Your mom should be grateful for your help and your adult children need to learn that you are not willing to be treated terrible, no matter what you can or can not do for them.

Personally, I'd tell them all to kiss my @$$ and go live my life. It never ceases to amaze me that parents or adult children think they have special rights to be hateful and think they still have you are at their beck and call. It's selfish nonsense that only you can put a stop to.

I don't think you should be taking care of either. What about you? Who takes care of you?

I think all of you need to sit down and have a talk. Start with your mother. You make it known to her that she isn't going to bad-mouth you to your kids or you will not lift a finger to help her with anything and she will be put in a nursing home.

Next you speak to your children. Tell them that your kids are grown and that you're not willing to raise another family. That you're too old to be a nanny or a young mother again and won't be. Let them know that you want to be grandma now. The grandma who enjoys her grandkids. Not the grandma who has to has to be the daycare center or the parent.

If your family doesn't listen to you, blow them off for a while. Put your mother into AL or a nursing home for a while. Let your family have a taste of what life is like if you start putting yourself first and you should.

So Mom can't have a relationship with her grandchildren because they are mad at you?

How old is Mom, what health problems does she have? What type of care do you do?

I was babysitting my 20 month old grandson when I had to take my Mom, suffering from Dementia, into my home. At 65 I could not care for them both so GS went into Daycare. If Moms a priority, thats the way it is. If your a Baby Boomer your the sandwich generation. You have an elderly parent and grands. But ur not responsible for those grands, your children are. And they are selfish to think that you can do both, caring for Mom and their children too.

How about your kids hire babysitters and Mom hires and aide .
Sounds you are the scapegoat .
These babysitting needs and your Mom’s care needs are not your issues to solve .

Taking care of their own children is your kids’ responsibility. Not yours.

This isn't a caregiving issue, this is something for a therapist. You don't even ask an actual question.

Lori, one of my sons was treating me poorly, I finally told him , let's get therapy together, or let's not talk anymore! One or the other because I'm done being mistreated. Then covid happened, and we didn't see each other most of that year, and things got gradually better. No one deserves to be miss treated.

You are sandwiched in the middle, aren't you; I am so sorry. But MG is absolutely right. Don't talk to the one crust of bread about the other.

Don't drag your mother into your disputes with your children. Maybe you need to see a therapist for some guidance on how to reset these relationships and try to improve your relationships with all of them.