Mom recently passed and dad has dementia with paranoia. I hired healthcare professionals to cook and take care of him but it’s costing a lot of money for that. I want to move him to a nice elderly facility that will be perfect for him with memory care and closer to me at half the cost. If he doesn’t sell the house and move he will run out of money in a few months. Any suggestions on how to get him to agree?
26 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
Guardianship, as I replied to Laurie, puts you in complete control. Its expensive but Dads money can be used. A Judge signs off that Dad can no longer make informed decisions and you are in control. You cannot receive guardianship if the person is competent to make their own decisions.
Like I said, Mom was like 6th stage. I did not even ask her what she wanted. I just did it. I was looking for respite care so I could go to nieces wedding. I found they were having a 50% off sale on room and board for the length of Moms stay. So I placed her. You need to just do what needs to be done. Dad will always say No if asked.
ADVERTISEMENT
I am currently looking at Medicare ratings of SNFs for him . My nephew I think has rose colored glasses on about having choices . His choices if he has any will not be the best , as she will be Medicaid.
Do what you think is best . Your Dad can’t make decisions anymore .
Some countries have free very nice memory care facilities for dementia patients . The US does not . My nephew can not afford to put his Mom in a nice place. He is single , no kids , and is saving for his own retirement and old age care needs . I commend him for realizing that he cannot quit work and should not deplete his own retirement savings for a facility for his Mom.
It is HARD to be the 'parent'. But it often has to happen.
How many times in your life did your dad make you do something you didn't really want to do, but it was for your best?
My MIL was in a rehab after a bad fall last December. She was there for about 6 weeks, I don't recall the exact length of time.
SIL INSISTED that mil be brought home to 'die' as she was considered a case for Hospice. I balked (altho, I have NO VOICE and NO INPUT into this situation) Said it was the perfect time to have her placed in a LT care facility.
SIL refused--moved MIL back home and tried to make the CG work, Of course it didn't and it hasn't. It's been a nightmare for almost a year now.
For the first 3 months she was home she thought she WAS in a NH and kept commenting on how nice it was!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When it finally hit her that she was home--she wasn't super thrilled. She has been 'independently' living, in Hospice @ home while her 3 kids shore her up.
My DH has POA. He will never enact it and he will never use it. She will someday die in her home, having burned all bridges behind her.
She would not even have to sell her home to afford the best of the best NH's. Now you can't even get her to step onto the back porch, she's so isolated.
My point being--IF my DH had been able to sway his sibs, MIL would have been moved to the best of the best ALF's and she'd be so much better off. She doesn't need nor want 'activities' or visitors. She wants to be alone and sees only her 3 kids and her 2 CNA's. I think her decline, slow as it's been, would have been much less stressful for so many people if she had been placed.
SIL is too 'whipped' to standup to her mom and the boys are too tired to do it.
we just go, week to week dealing with whatever pops up.
You probably WON'T get dad to agree, but you can still do this.
Anyway, what finally convinced my hubby, who was still lucid for portions of the day, was the money issue. I had to make out a very impersonal demonstration with statements, the value of his house and car, and so on, and contrast cost and worth carefully and as non-personally as I could, which was not easy; he kept falling back on the idea that I was just trying to make him die sooner so that I'd have "all" the money. He had this idea because the elder son came up with it and with every phone call repeated it. The elder son also attacked me with this idea -- that I was deliberately "discouraging his father from living," when in fact I was killing MYSELF to make his last years as peaceful and healthy as possible.
I searched until I found a nice facility like the one you seem to have found, and a. visit there, meeting the wonderful staff and many residents, made hubby soften up to the idea. The other thing that helped was that I WAS able to convince him that he only had about 2 years' money left and that if he stayed home, requiring home helpers, he would run out and have to beg his sons for money. (I have much less than he does and I have an old age coming on too!). Somehow the sudden realization that 1) he would HAVE to ask the sons for money, especially the elder very controlling one, to whom he is pretty submissive, and 2) if he ended up depending on them for care it would not be the loving and constant attention he gets from me. Also he finally understood that the AL place, while expensive, doesn't cost nearly as much as living in his house with helpers. AL gives him 3 very good meals a day, 24-hour nurse-on-site, laundry and apartment cleaning, and unless his care costs rise, AL costs about $50,000 a year LESS than home helpers.
So money worked as an encourager with him, but I had to be very careful not to increase his paranoia. And he began to realize that he would only have me and the helper as his ONLY company. AL gives him community.
Much luck to you...and please continue to find support on this forum.
And seeing some of the responses for trying to gain control over a parent with a guardianship - be very careful if they already have a POA in place. That can get VERY messy in which it can involve family members who already disagree. I for one would fight, for example, and make it pure hell for a rogue sibling who has totally created a precarious situation where the desire was to fain incompetency just to punish our mother. Not having it.
I think what alot of us here have to remember is that questions and postings are only a SLIVER of what we can help each other with. When we give advice to each other, lets remember that alot of us here are already on the edge and that there are many many moving parts to each story/question posted.
You're on the right track - getting him out of the house and selling it is the way to go. I don't believe you're going to be able to reason with him. Dementia destroys his ability to do that. Also he won't recall discussions where he's agreed to something. Follow the advice to find an attorney, and good luck.
Why is it your problem ? It’s your FIL’s childrens’ problem to clean up his post death mess.
I hope your FIL’s children are helping you with this mess .
Get him to a psychiatrist to evaluate the paranoia. There's meds for that.
Go look at facilities that have the appropriate level of care.
Tell dad he has a leaky roof. Or bugs. Or a hazmat condition and the house will be uninhabitable for 3 months.
Move dad.
Clear the house. Sell it if you have POA or guardianship.
See All Answers