Moving dementia patient to new memory care.

Update:2 days in and she has completely forgotten the old MC. Seems completely content. I am much happier with new facility and care already. She is eating better than in a year( food is way better here) and seems calmer and happier than in a long time. Thank you all for the support!

Dt,

Even though your mom has dementia, you can give yourself permission to not take the abuse.

You can make the visit short, and tell your mom that you won’t be talked to like that and will see her another day.

You must take care of your own sanity.

You matter, too!

Thank you all for the support. In my head I know it’s the disease and not her, but my heart aches. My husband is very supportive but he gets tired of listening to me vent so you are a Godsend! The up side is, after 5 days I am definitely sure this was the right move. She is cleaner and well cared for like she hadn’t been in a
long time in her old place. The room is immaculate without the constant urine stench and bed is made with clean fresh sheets. She is moved to comfy recliner several times during the day and not left in a wheelchair for 18 hours. Today, she was sitting on the screen porch enjoying the beautiful day with several residents and staff. I know I did the right thing even if she doesn’t understand.

I think she will adjust. I moved my mom from home to an ALF. She forgot my home in a couple of days. However, the ALF was under new management and not great. I did not move her for fear of the transition and thought it would take time to adjust. She ultimately declined and passed. I do not think her decline was necessarily related to her care but do regret not moving her. It would have made her last months much less stressful for both of us.

If you have found another place you feel confident about, move her!

Well, move happened yesterday. She was horrible! New staff were so wonderful and fussed all over her but she kept demanding to go back to Staten Island( her childhood city) where she just was. We are going with the story that the doctor said she was well enough to leave old MC to take pressure off me, but she called me every name in the book and her last words tome were “ I hope you die tonight and go straight to hell”. Staff said give it a few weeks but I cried all night. I know moving her was the best move. Packing up her stuff, half her clothes and belongings were stolen or just can’t be located. She is also on hospice and her nurse and social worker assured me this is the best move to make ( they are unhappy with what has happened in old facility) they will follow her at new place but I just feel horrible. I am trying to keep her safe and well cared for and just feel like I am a terrible person. Thanks for letting me vent!

Transition continues! Today I spent 2 hours being called names and cursed at because I had “ moved her car so she didn’t know where it was parked and she needed to go back where she was” she is wheelchair bound and hasn’t walked in a year and hasn’t driven or had a car in 5 years! 🤦‍♀️. No amount of distraction was helpful. Just kept telling me what an ugly pig I was, even thoughI brought her her favorite treat and tried to be sweet despite the barrage. I may need placement before this is all over

Trust the new staff! They are professionals. With mom, don’t make a big deal out of it. She has memory deficits, so she may not notice as much as you think she will.

I have, moved my step mother from one to another. Did not tell her, took her to lunch and my brother moved her in the meantime.

She didn't quite understand what had happened but after the 1st day she was fine, forgot that she had moved.

I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. Good Luck!

I would make it a multi person job if possible. Go join her for lunch or dinner, take her out for a meal if that is something you often do whatever isn’t unusual for her. Then while you are doing that with her have two other family members move her belongings to the new place, set up her room to be as identical as possible and take her “home” to the new place. I think fewer changes/differences the better but especially to her private space.

Msblcb- she was there for a year. It only got really bad the lady 3-4 months