What to say to a memory care patient who constantly asks to go home?

This is a hard one. My LO has been in care 4 yrs. He has FTD so he doesn’t forget. 4 solid yrs of asking/demanding/ threatening behaviours. Attempted and successful escapes. Getting out and getting in taxis that bring him back to the house. (An hour journey)Extremely upsetting for all concerned. What has worked out best now is a co ordinated approach where Drs staff and me all refer to when the “special assessment team” deem him well enough, he can go home He cannot come home for a visit anymore. This has really reduced his requests to go home. He is calmer

If I had told my mother in Memory Care Assisted Living that "I wouldn't want to be here either", that would've increased her angst and agitation over "wanting to go home" and created a worse situation than already existed. Using "truth" with dementia patients is senseless because we are applying OUR rules of normalcy to people who's brains are broken, expecting their reaction to be the same as ours, without broken brains! Then we're shocked when they're freaking out 😑

The only goal with dementia patients is to keep them calm in the present moment, because that's all they HAVE is the present moment. The immediate past no longer exists, nor does the immediate future. That's why distraction works best.

Wishing you the best of luck dealing with the cruel and ugly condition known as dementia. You have my sympathy.

If they are in MC they won't remember whatever you tell them... you'll be saying it again and again. My philosophy is to keep my LO as peaceful as possible. It's up to you to acknowledge their wanting to go to their childhood home or correct where they live. Change the topic or distract them with something light and fun or funny.

With my MIL in LTC we tell her that as soon as she can perform her ADLs for the doctor, she can leave. This gives her a goal, gives her tiny hope and takes the angry burden off the family. She always accepts this. Then we change the subject.

Often when a person with dementia asks to go home they aren't referring to their last home but their childhood home where their parents were and they felt safe, as the long term memories are the last to go.
So you can just say that this is their home now and go get them some ice-cream to distract them.

Often when a person says "I want to go home" they do not mean a physical home.
Home represents a time when they were Healthy
Home represents Safety
Home represents Love and Comfort.
And for some "home" may mean a Heavenly Home.

Your response can be:
You are home, you are safe.
I love you and I am here for you.

Physical contact. Hold a hand, give an arm or leg massage with some nice lotion (lavender is calming).

Quiet gentle tone of voice, if possible drop the octave a bit, higher pitched tones are more difficult to hear. Look at the person so they see your face. Much communication is visual. And many people read lips without even realizing they are doing so.

"As soon as the doctor writes me a letter saying that you can go home I will let you know and we can plan from there"!

That won't happen.

“I understand you. I wouldn’t want to be there either.”