Her strong opposition is primarily due to the fact that she had to put her mother in a nursing home because she had Alzheimer's. It was the most difficult thing she understood.
Please don’t discuss this with her as there will never come a time where she wants this. There will only be endless looping talks about it that merely frustrate you both. When your family decides the day has arrived that she is no longer safe to live where she is, make arrangements for her to move to the place the family has selected. At that time, she’ll need to be moved with as little fanfare or announcement as possible and then consistently reassured of the place being her new home. It will be undoubtedly sad for all. But know that you’re never going to talk into or convince her, no matter how sensitive. I’m sorry you’re in this position but know your mother is blessed to have you advocating for her
You don't have to discuss it at all. On the other hand, don't enable her by doing things for her when it is clear that she needs more care. I understand her not wanting to go into care. There are many things in life that are hard. Some folks don't want to go to work. Nevertheless, there is much in life we have no control over. That's just "life".
We are not responsible for their happiness, but well being and safety.
I just move my mom in MC this week. She spent a week in the hospital recovering from a PE. When I picked her up, I drove her 300 miles to my "house" (MC facility). Everything went well, until she step out of the car and saw the facility. There was an emotional melt down. Once in the facility eating dinner, she was having a good time talking to everyone and telling her story. She is doing well.
Mom made it very clear she wanted to die in her own house, but the doctors and hospital made it clear to me she could not live alone.
Now she plays games, does art work and have new friends to interact with. I made the right choice, but it was a very hard choice.
I wouldn’t say anything ahead of time because it will only create anxiety for each of you.
I have read comments from posters that say calming meds help with the anxiety that will transpire during the actual move into the facility. Speak to her doctor about this.
Wishing you peace as you continue to plan for your mother’s future care.
When the time comes for my mom; and it will be soon as she has quickly advancing Alzheimer’s, she will be told she is going to rehab. She came to live with me 8 months ago. She has no concept of time and thinks she has been here about 3 days at any given time. She is amenable to temporary stints in rehab to improve her walking so I will tell her that’s what it is. I do whatever I can to keep her calm and happy. So far, she has been but if I tell her she is moving somewhere, she will be very unhappy.
If she has dementia, you cannot reason with her. No one "wants" to go to memory care. No one "wants" to leave their family. You are placing her because she requires more care than you can offer and it is no longer safe for her to be at home. If you are waiting on her to want to go, it will never happen.
One thing that helped the transition for my mom from assisted living into memory care is we took her to memory care every day for two weeks straight. She did the activities, ate lunch, etc. On the last day, we already had her things moved into the memory care room and she never left. She was so far gone that she didn't realize what was happening. It was harder on me than her to make that next step in care.
Since your jump appears to be from home into memory care, maybe you can work out the same arrangement with a memory care facility. You take her there daily and let her get acclimated and after things become routine, she stays.
I know how hard this is for you. You will get through it.
I know people that have moved to a nice room. They didn't need a whole house anymore. They did enough cooking when younger, now someone else does the cooking. Other people do the housework like cleaning & laundry too. It's not too far to walk to the garden or for activities. They worked hard, so now it's time to relax a bit more & let the younger people do more of the work.
This was the spiel. Told to me by an older lady.. who then whispered that this is what her daughter wanted her to believe. She wouldn't be a fuss so let her daughter think she belived it - but she knew it was the Old People's Home! LOL
I see from your profile that you and your 3 sibs all live at home with your parents. Your father still works.
Does your father (and your sibs, since presumably they also help to care for your mother?) also think that your mother needs MC? Is he her POA and HCPOA?
Is your mother still considered legally competent to make her own decisions?
Nursing home is a far cry from MC, and times have changed, unfortunately many people in her age group do not keep up on today, instead they live in yesterday.
Why not take her on a tour of several places. My mother fought going into AL for years, finally we moved her into one near us and she loves it! New friends, activities, bus trips, her food is prepared for her, room cleaned and more.
There is no easy answer to your question, however there will never be a good time to tell her. Times in life that we have to do what's right for our LO as they can no longer make sound decisions. Good Luck!
Does she need " memory care" now or are you simply having the conversation for if and when memory care is needed? If it is now, then I would ask what is your mother's cognitive assessment? Has she been diagnosed with dementia illness that is affecting memory now ? If so, then trying to having a rational conversation with her as a dementia patient is only increasing the anxiety for you and her. Dementia patients by diagnosis also most often have short term memory issues that limit their ability to even remember the conversation. If she needs memory care now as a diagnosed dementia pt., then have a short, very short conversation with her affirming your love, respect and the difficulty/ grief, then give the day that the change will happen and affirm that you will be seeing her often and will know that she is safe....in case you were not able to take care of her.( Or whatever words feel right,but keep us short).
If you are simply planning for the future ,then the conversation may be different.
On the other hand, don't enable her by doing things for her when it is clear that she needs more care.
I understand her not wanting to go into care. There are many things in life that are hard. Some folks don't want to go to work. Nevertheless, there is much in life we have no control over. That's just "life".
I just move my mom in MC this week. She spent a week in the hospital recovering from a PE. When I picked her up, I drove her 300 miles to my "house" (MC facility). Everything went well, until she step out of the car and saw the facility. There was an emotional melt down. Once in the facility eating dinner, she was having a good time talking to everyone and telling her story. She is doing well.
Mom made it very clear she wanted to die in her own house, but the doctors and hospital made it clear to me she could not live alone.
Now she plays games, does art work and have new friends to interact with. I made the right choice, but it was a very hard choice.
I have read comments from posters that say calming meds help with the anxiety that will transpire during the actual move into the facility. Speak to her doctor about this.
Wishing you peace as you continue to plan for your mother’s future care.
One thing that helped the transition for my mom from assisted living into memory care is we took her to memory care every day for two weeks straight. She did the activities, ate lunch, etc. On the last day, we already had her things moved into the memory care room and she never left. She was so far gone that she didn't realize what was happening. It was harder on me than her to make that next step in care.
Since your jump appears to be from home into memory care, maybe you can work out the same arrangement with a memory care facility. You take her there daily and let her get acclimated and after things become routine, she stays.
I know how hard this is for you. You will get through it.
This was the spiel. Told to me by an older lady.. who then whispered that this is what her daughter wanted her to believe. She wouldn't be a fuss so let her daughter think she belived it - but she knew it was the Old People's Home! LOL
Does your father (and your sibs, since presumably they also help to care for your mother?) also think that your mother needs MC? Is he her POA and HCPOA?
Is your mother still considered legally competent to make her own decisions?
Why not take her on a tour of several places. My mother fought going into AL for years, finally we moved her into one near us and she loves it! New friends, activities, bus trips, her food is prepared for her, room cleaned and more.
There is no easy answer to your question, however there will never be a good time to tell her. Times in life that we have to do what's right for our LO as they can no longer make sound decisions. Good Luck!
If she needs memory care now as a diagnosed dementia pt., then have a short, very short conversation with her affirming your love, respect and the difficulty/ grief, then give the day that the change will happen and affirm that you will be seeing her often and will know that she is safe....in case you were not able to take care of her.( Or whatever words feel right,but keep us short).
If you are simply planning for the future ,then the conversation may be different.
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