Her strong opposition is primarily due to the fact that she had to put her mother in a nursing home because she had Alzheimer's. It was the most difficult thing she understood.
Better to discuss what kinds of care you can give and what kinds of care others will need to provide for her. Most people who have more needs than family and friends can provide usually go into assisted living. They may then progress to skilled nursing care. Some live long enough to need memory care. So, start with discussing types of care and her expectations of her lifestyle in her latter years.
Does she need " memory care" now or are you simply having the conversation for if and when memory care is needed? If it is now, then I would ask what is your mother's cognitive assessment? Has she been diagnosed with dementia illness that is affecting memory now ? If so, then trying to having a rational conversation with her as a dementia patient is only increasing the anxiety for you and her. Dementia patients by diagnosis also most often have short term memory issues that limit their ability to even remember the conversation. If she needs memory care now as a diagnosed dementia pt., then have a short, very short conversation with her affirming your love, respect and the difficulty/ grief, then give the day that the change will happen and affirm that you will be seeing her often and will know that she is safe....in case you were not able to take care of her.( Or whatever words feel right,but keep us short).
If you are simply planning for the future ,then the conversation may be different.
I know people that have moved to a nice room. They didn't need a whole house anymore. They did enough cooking when younger, now someone else does the cooking. Other people do the housework like cleaning & laundry too. It's not too far to walk to the garden or for activities. They worked hard, so now it's time to relax a bit more & let the younger people do more of the work.
This was the spiel. Told to me by an older lady.. who then whispered that this is what her daughter wanted her to believe. She wouldn't be a fuss so let her daughter think she belived it - but she knew it was the Old People's Home! LOL
If you can discuss with your Mom that she needs to move to a Memory Care home, then she probably doesn't need a memory care level home yet. Is she a wanderer? What is it that makes you think a memory care home is a place for her or is this just a preliminary discussion?
I don't know how old your Mom is. However, chances are, when she put her Mom into a nursing home, the only option was a nursing home which was a room full of beds lined up and people with various levels of behavior doing nothing all day other than be in bed. Since that time, the whole concept of senior living has changed and there are now many, many options and different levels. What is Memory Care in one home can be Assisted Living with extra services in another.
On your own, I would go visit homes that have a continuous care until end-of-life. This type of complex has independent or assisted living and as a person needs the extra help, they can be moved to the appropriate level of care on site of which one of the types of care is Memory Care.
Once you found 1 or 2 homes that you like, memory or not, play up the advantages of moving to the new home. When you get around to discussing it, do NOT make the reason for her moving, be due to her....it has got be either you (e.g. I can no longer take care of you or I need to spend more time at my job or I will be fired) or something else like "your house needs repairs and you cannot live here during the repairs" or "it is more economical for you to live somewhere else rather than in your own home" If she is inquisitive and "intelligent", you can leave a few brochures around the house so that she can look at the glossies and read about it.
Another option would be to look into respite care in a home that you think she would be placed long-term. During the respite care, both you and she will learn about managed care at that facility (In my case, I found out that they turned off cable and the internet at 7 pm at night to force the residents to be bored and go to sleep.)
I'm suspecting that your Mom is Assisted Living level, rather than Memory Care level. That type of care didn't even exist when your Mom put her Mom into managed care.
You have some tough, challenging discussions ahead of you. Good luck!
I appreciate your sensitivity toward your mom in this major life adjustment / move.
My thoughts - it depends on (her diagnosis /) the level of her memory now and what she is cognitively capable to understand / remember / process.
Perhaps do not tell her it is a memory care unit. Can you just call it 'her room' or her new room?
Use words - as much as possible - that won't trigger her emotionally.
There is 'no deception' when communicating with a person with dementia. You do what you can / talk to them as you can so they are as comfortable as possible.
Perhaps spend more time with her during the transition.
When she talks about memory care or the room / change / transition, gently change the subject.
I once heard a non-emergency transport driver say to an elderly lady with dementia "I've come to take you back to your room". (No use of the word *home*).
I was impressed & found an opportinity to discreetly ask about that. The driver had learnt that the word *home* sometimes got a sharp reply, anger, sadness, fear. "That's not my HOME!... MY home is gone! .. NNNOOO I won't go..
As you say, triggered.
The term Nursing Home has the same emotional trigger effect. My own Mother described the way her Mother used the term with implied horror. People of my grandparent's generation still talked about the 'poor house' or 'work house' despite this being a risk faced many generations before them. Children were fearful of being sent to the 'orphanage'. Mental illness was not discussed - fear of 'aslyums'.
These public institutions (set up to help the vulnerable) sadly left deeply held bad impressions lasting a long long time.
If you have a facility in mind, contact them and have them send someone to visit with your Mom. They have a way of dealing with these types of situations.
Geriatric Psychiatrist: Please hold a group meeting with mom and the family and then have the doctor evaluate mom for replacement. If Mom displays erratic behaviors, record them on your phone for the doctor and any family members who want to argue placement.
We are not responsible for their happiness, but well being and safety.
I just move my mom in MC this week. She spent a week in the hospital recovering from a PE. When I picked her up, I drove her 300 miles to my "house" (MC facility). Everything went well, until she step out of the car and saw the facility. There was an emotional melt down. Once in the facility eating dinner, she was having a good time talking to everyone and telling her story. She is doing well.
Mom made it very clear she wanted to die in her own house, but the doctors and hospital made it clear to me she could not live alone.
Now she plays games, does art work and have new friends to interact with. I made the right choice, but it was a very hard choice.
It all depends on where Mom is with her ALZ. Some people are not ready for MC. They are just enough with it to realize that the other residents are worse off than them and are not able to socialize with them.
Do you realize that the cost of MC is over 5k a month? It would cost ur Dad over 60k a year? Medicaid does not pay for MC. Has Dad become expecting you to care for Mom and your ready to go on with your life? If so, its time to have a sit down with Dad. Mom is his responsibility. If he is over 70 yrs old, time for him to retire and care of Mom. His responsibility to place her if he wants to continue to work.
Nursing home is a far cry from MC, and times have changed, unfortunately many people in her age group do not keep up on today, instead they live in yesterday.
Why not take her on a tour of several places. My mother fought going into AL for years, finally we moved her into one near us and she loves it! New friends, activities, bus trips, her food is prepared for her, room cleaned and more.
There is no easy answer to your question, however there will never be a good time to tell her. Times in life that we have to do what's right for our LO as they can no longer make sound decisions. Good Luck!
If she has dementia, you cannot reason with her. No one "wants" to go to memory care. No one "wants" to leave their family. You are placing her because she requires more care than you can offer and it is no longer safe for her to be at home. If you are waiting on her to want to go, it will never happen.
One thing that helped the transition for my mom from assisted living into memory care is we took her to memory care every day for two weeks straight. She did the activities, ate lunch, etc. On the last day, we already had her things moved into the memory care room and she never left. She was so far gone that she didn't realize what was happening. It was harder on me than her to make that next step in care.
Since your jump appears to be from home into memory care, maybe you can work out the same arrangement with a memory care facility. You take her there daily and let her get acclimated and after things become routine, she stays.
I know how hard this is for you. You will get through it.
When the time comes for my mom; and it will be soon as she has quickly advancing Alzheimer’s, she will be told she is going to rehab. She came to live with me 8 months ago. She has no concept of time and thinks she has been here about 3 days at any given time. She is amenable to temporary stints in rehab to improve her walking so I will tell her that’s what it is. I do whatever I can to keep her calm and happy. So far, she has been but if I tell her she is moving somewhere, she will be very unhappy.
By "discuss it with her" do you mean how do you persuade her to move?
What is prompting the need for such a move? Is it for your mother's safety or is it b/c you do not want to relied on for too much of her care or property maintenance yourself?
If she needs help, consider the option of hiring in-home care.
I see from your profile that you and your 3 sibs all live at home with your parents. Your father still works.
Does your father (and your sibs, since presumably they also help to care for your mother?) also think that your mother needs MC? Is he her POA and HCPOA?
Is your mother still considered legally competent to make her own decisions?
I wouldn’t say anything ahead of time because it will only create anxiety for each of you.
I have read comments from posters that say calming meds help with the anxiety that will transpire during the actual move into the facility. Speak to her doctor about this.
Wishing you peace as you continue to plan for your mother’s future care.
Please don’t discuss this with her as there will never come a time where she wants this. There will only be endless looping talks about it that merely frustrate you both. When your family decides the day has arrived that she is no longer safe to live where she is, make arrangements for her to move to the place the family has selected. At that time, she’ll need to be moved with as little fanfare or announcement as possible and then consistently reassured of the place being her new home. It will be undoubtedly sad for all. But know that you’re never going to talk into or convince her, no matter how sensitive. I’m sorry you’re in this position but know your mother is blessed to have you advocating for her
You don't have to discuss it at all. On the other hand, don't enable her by doing things for her when it is clear that she needs more care. I understand her not wanting to go into care. There are many things in life that are hard. Some folks don't want to go to work. Nevertheless, there is much in life we have no control over. That's just "life".
If she needs memory care now as a diagnosed dementia pt., then have a short, very short conversation with her affirming your love, respect and the difficulty/ grief, then give the day that the change will happen and affirm that you will be seeing her often and will know that she is safe....in case you were not able to take care of her.( Or whatever words feel right,but keep us short).
If you are simply planning for the future ,then the conversation may be different.
This was the spiel. Told to me by an older lady.. who then whispered that this is what her daughter wanted her to believe. She wouldn't be a fuss so let her daughter think she belived it - but she knew it was the Old People's Home! LOL
I don't know how old your Mom is. However, chances are, when she put her Mom into a nursing home, the only option was a nursing home which was a room full of beds lined up and people with various levels of behavior doing nothing all day other than be in bed. Since that time, the whole concept of senior living has changed and there are now many, many options and different levels. What is Memory Care in one home can be Assisted Living with extra services in another.
On your own, I would go visit homes that have a continuous care until end-of-life. This type of complex has independent or assisted living and as a person needs the extra help, they can be moved to the appropriate level of care on site of which one of the types of care is Memory Care.
Once you found 1 or 2 homes that you like, memory or not, play up the advantages of moving to the new home. When you get around to discussing it, do NOT make the reason for her moving, be due to her....it has got be either you (e.g. I can no longer take care of you or I need to spend more time at my job or I will be fired) or something else like "your house needs repairs and you cannot live here during the repairs" or "it is more economical for you to live somewhere else rather than in your own home" If she is inquisitive and "intelligent", you can leave a few brochures around the house so that she can look at the glossies and read about it.
Another option would be to look into respite care in a home that you think she would be placed long-term. During the respite care, both you and she will learn about managed care at that facility (In my case, I found out that they turned off cable and the internet at 7 pm at night to force the residents to be bored and go to sleep.)
I'm suspecting that your Mom is Assisted Living level, rather than Memory Care level. That type of care didn't even exist when your Mom put her Mom into managed care.
You have some tough, challenging discussions ahead of you. Good luck!
My thoughts - it depends on (her diagnosis /) the level of her memory now and what she is cognitively capable to understand / remember / process.
Perhaps do not tell her it is a memory care unit.
Can you just call it 'her room' or her new room?
Use words - as much as possible - that won't trigger her emotionally.
There is 'no deception' when communicating with a person with dementia. You do what you can / talk to them as you can so they are as comfortable as possible.
Perhaps spend more time with her during the transition.
When she talks about memory care or the room / change / transition, gently change the subject.
Gena / Touch Matters
I was impressed & found an opportinity to discreetly ask about that. The driver had learnt that the word *home* sometimes got a sharp reply, anger, sadness, fear. "That's not my HOME!... MY home is gone! .. NNNOOO I won't go..
As you say, triggered.
The term Nursing Home has the same emotional trigger effect. My own Mother described the way her Mother used the term with implied horror. People of my grandparent's generation still talked about the 'poor house' or 'work house' despite this being a risk faced many generations before them. Children were fearful of being sent to the 'orphanage'. Mental illness was not discussed - fear of 'aslyums'.
These public institutions (set up to help the vulnerable) sadly left deeply held bad impressions lasting a long long time.
I just move my mom in MC this week. She spent a week in the hospital recovering from a PE. When I picked her up, I drove her 300 miles to my "house" (MC facility). Everything went well, until she step out of the car and saw the facility. There was an emotional melt down. Once in the facility eating dinner, she was having a good time talking to everyone and telling her story. She is doing well.
Mom made it very clear she wanted to die in her own house, but the doctors and hospital made it clear to me she could not live alone.
Now she plays games, does art work and have new friends to interact with. I made the right choice, but it was a very hard choice.
Do you realize that the cost of MC is over 5k a month? It would cost ur Dad over 60k a year? Medicaid does not pay for MC. Has Dad become expecting you to care for Mom and your ready to go on with your life? If so, its time to have a sit down with Dad. Mom is his responsibility. If he is over 70 yrs old, time for him to retire and care of Mom. His responsibility to place her if he wants to continue to work.
Why not take her on a tour of several places. My mother fought going into AL for years, finally we moved her into one near us and she loves it! New friends, activities, bus trips, her food is prepared for her, room cleaned and more.
There is no easy answer to your question, however there will never be a good time to tell her. Times in life that we have to do what's right for our LO as they can no longer make sound decisions. Good Luck!
One thing that helped the transition for my mom from assisted living into memory care is we took her to memory care every day for two weeks straight. She did the activities, ate lunch, etc. On the last day, we already had her things moved into the memory care room and she never left. She was so far gone that she didn't realize what was happening. It was harder on me than her to make that next step in care.
Since your jump appears to be from home into memory care, maybe you can work out the same arrangement with a memory care facility. You take her there daily and let her get acclimated and after things become routine, she stays.
I know how hard this is for you. You will get through it.
What is prompting the need for such a move? Is it for your mother's safety or is it b/c you do not want to relied on for too much of her care or property maintenance yourself?
If she needs help, consider the option of hiring in-home care.
Do you live there? Live separate? Are concerned?
Does your father (and your sibs, since presumably they also help to care for your mother?) also think that your mother needs MC? Is he her POA and HCPOA?
Is your mother still considered legally competent to make her own decisions?
I have read comments from posters that say calming meds help with the anxiety that will transpire during the actual move into the facility. Speak to her doctor about this.
Wishing you peace as you continue to plan for your mother’s future care.
On the other hand, don't enable her by doing things for her when it is clear that she needs more care.
I understand her not wanting to go into care. There are many things in life that are hard. Some folks don't want to go to work. Nevertheless, there is much in life we have no control over. That's just "life".