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MaryJane7 Asked April 2023

I'm struggling to get the 95-year-old I care for to shower. I really need help. She gets very scared, then angry, and doesn't comply.

The only things I am able to do is use a wet rag to wipe her scalp and go through her hair with that to take out the dandruff (she doest have much hair) and then I brush it out but she wont let me wash her hair or take her to the shower or sink to wash her hair and clean the rest of her body. I'm thinking of getting one of those bed pans and washing her hair while she's at the couch. Im at my wits end and it gives me so much anxiety to try to attempt anything and so much stress and guilt because I feel like Im doing such a terrible job because she hasnt had a shower in who knows how long. I feel like I dont know what Im doing and I should just quit. I have been able to get it to where shes comfortable with me she used to not let anyone touch her not even her feet or hands. I now am able to use a wet cloth to wipe her face as well. So her skin has been looking better and her feet arent scaly because Ive been putting the ammonium lactate the doctor prescribed her on. I know Im not doing enough though and it's killing me.

cwillie Apr 2023
I'm not clear on what your duties are or how much time you are with her MaryJane.
If it's an expectation that you are her bath aid then you would announce when you arrive the you are there to help her with her bath, and then you hustle her into the bathroom to get ready. You need to be authoritative. If you are there to get her up in the morning then you take her in to use the toilet and wash up before she gets dressed for the day. If she is continent then she will be in the bathroom to use the toilet, so that's a natural time to direct her to get undressed and seated on the shower chair "since she's already there anyway". Or try redirecting her when she's already on her feet after breakfast or lunch so you don't have to convince her to move off the couch.
You might try telling her you are going to get in trouble if she doesn't get washed, or that you brought a special body wash or lotion you'd like her to try. You don't want to force her, but beg, wheedle, cajole and manipulate.

MaryJane7 Apr 2023
She's gotten angry and pulled away from me and keeps saying no and wont move or get up but then again. Do I pull her up from the couch after getting everything ready? I was thinking would it work if I talked with her about it first and allayed her fears by showing her the water will be warm, the heater will be warm and she'll have privacy with a towel drape? And then if she still refuses just force her?

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cwillie Apr 2023
What exactly happens when it's bath time, does she become violent? Because that's different than if it's just that she says no and won't cooperate.

Fawnby Apr 2023
You need to quit and find another job. She’s beyond your skills and needs to live in a place where she’ll get the care she needs. If you can’t keep her clean, she’s likely to get skin infections, parasites or some other awful development. A facility would know how to handle this,

You should inform her doctor and whoever is responsible for her of your concerns. Let her be their problem, not yours.

Caregivers are in great demand, and you could be working for someone who only needs someone to drive her to lunch and settle her in bed for a nap before you leave for the day.

Much nicer for you!
MaryJane7 Apr 2023
She doesn't smell and goes to the bathroom by herself and still washes her hands. So, it's just hard because Im attached to her and part of me feels like if she went in a home she wouldnt be happy, but is that illogical and just stupid.
MeDolly Apr 2023
My brother & I are having the same issue with our step-mother who is in MC. We really can't figure out why, she just refuses. Weds we were able to get her to the beauty shop had her washed and cut, she wasn't thrilled but went with it.

The home says if we can get her to shower once a week, that would be good. IDK I am not thrilled about that but if that's the best we can do, then we have to accept it.

She doesn't reek as she still does the bathroom business by herself, no mistakes. She is going to be 85 in July.
MaryJane7 Apr 2023
Hey at least you got her to go het her hair done that awesome!
lealonnie1 Apr 2023
When AD/dementia is at play, as you mention with your client, fear can get in the way of their willingness to bathe. What's she scared of, do you know? My mother was deathly afraid of the "slippery shower floor" which wasnt slippery.....but her perception of it WAS. So I got her water shoes which solved the problem. Some fears are irrational and some aren't, it can be hard to hone in on which are which. Some feel cold, or fear the water spray from the shower head so a hand held unit works better. Others dislike the "stranger" they see in the bathroom mirror, etc.

In the meantime, Stryker No Rinse Washcloths are excellent to help keep her clean. You can get them on Amazon.

It can be a huge challenge for caregivers to manage this task with an Elder, so I wish you good luck and patience.
MaryJane7 Apr 2023
Thank you, but I feel so discouraged and mentally and emotionally drained I dont think I can do this anymore.
cwillie Apr 2023
I have a bunch of questions/helpful ideas

Is the room warm enough (that means too hot for you)
do you have a good shower chair with a back
are there grab bars
is there a hand held shower wand so water isn't pouring down on her head
is the shower and floor non slip

Would it be possible to take her to the salon occasionally for a wash and cut? No rinse shampoo and body wash are great for sponge bathing. Her feet can be done in a foot spa bath or just a plain dishpan. Try handing her the wash cloth and getting her to do as much as possible herself while you concentrate on the areas she can't reach. A hand held bidet wand can be a great way to do peri care.... I was lucky in that our toilet and shower were close enough that I could use the hand held shower while my mom was seated on the toilet.
MaryJane7 Apr 2023
Ive tried turning on the heater, setting a hair appointment for her, leaving just wet wipes in the bathroom, getting a pan with warm water to soak her feet in, and she wont go for it.

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