Your parent loses the environment she has lived in for X number of years, possibly her whole life. She loses touch with the friends she has made there. She loses her personal physicians and other health-care givers. She loses the stores she usually shops at and the clerks who know her. She can no longer drive to places she needs, such as a pharmacy, because she has no idea where it is. Thank God for GPS, but it's not the same thing.
There has to be a very good reason to force this upon her. It may be more convenient for the children to see her or to take care of her financial needs, but look at the trade.
Are you very sure you want to force this upon your parent?
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People make decisions for themselves and then want to make them for the rest of the world. I think there are a few subjects that just play into this. In-facility care is one, hospice is another. And the nice thing about it is that it gives others a chance to weigh in on their polar opposite views; it gives a sort of balance ultimately.
I was an RN and I just loved it. I always say I could be so compassionate working with (mostly) elders 12 hours a day three days a week. But it taught me my human limitations fast.
I had the best Mom and Dad and the best bro in the world, but I never in a million years would have been capable of doing in home care. Simply not in me. Those who can have my nomination for Sainthood, no questions, but we also do see many people come to forum feeling really broken after attempting this and failing.
Some of us fight change with all we have and get depressed and anxious, and some of us slowly come around to accepting it, and some of us actually embrace change and do everything in our power to make the best of things and even find joy in our "new normal."
The choice is yours.
I hope and pray that you will opt for the third option of embracing and finding joy along the way, as life is too short and precious to waste time on what you may be losing. Instead try and focus on all the many good things you'll be gaining.
God bless you.
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If they need to go into some type of facility, it is no one's fault, and no one should feel any guilt. Old age has taken away their independence, not me. Of course, I would look for somewhere that was both convenient and suited their needs. Convenience for me, the caregiver, is important as I have other obligations and want to ensure I have balance in my life.
I wouldn't "force" this on my parent, the situation would force it as the alternatives are either not an option or are dangerous to their safety.
Those changes are often very big and as Alva says are losses. Absolutely!
I have made the choice to move from my community of 40+ years and family home to a smaller more convenient place - a seniors condo - in a location nearer to various resources. My daughter breathed a sigh of relief when I made that decision as she knew it was for the best. I hope when the time comes for the move to a facility, should I live that long, I will make that sensible decision myself. If not, others will make it for me.
The only thing that forces this upon us is life - the inevitable decline as we age.
It isn't easy, and there is sadness as we review the losses and have to process all the changes.
I didn't force anything on my parent. My mother made the initial decision to go into a facility as she found it harder and harder to cope with daily life. With family, she reviewed a number of them and chose which one she wanted. She had accepted that she needed more help. After some time, the medical system made the decisions (with her input) as to which facility was most suitable for her.
I wish you and your family all the best in any changes you are facing.
I know it's better to move when you're young enough to make new friends and find your own medical providers, but its a terrible cost to your lifestyle.
I may have to do this soon, to be closer to a kid, who can help us navigate everything including my smart phone, but I want to crawl into a corner and cry every time I think about it.
I don't think there is a good answer, other than the multigeneral homes families used to have.
Our elders (and now I AM one) have loss upon loss upon loss. It is hard to see, and our hearts go out to them. They/we suffer and we/you stand witness to the suffering of ones we love.
And no, none of us are certain. That is why we have to count on our rational mind to take into account what our hearts will wish to deny.
And in THAT we need the counsel and the help of our physicians and good assessments by the neuro/neuro-psyc community to let us know when we must consider that our parents/loved ones (or indeed we, ourselves) are no longer SAFE alone.
For my own brother, it was his decision. He and I talked and talked about it considering and weighing every aspect. He had a diagnosis of probable early Lewy's. We knew what was already there and what was coming. He wanted to remain in his last beloved little home as long as he could. I, not living in his area of our state, not able to "be there" couldn't help hands on a lot wanted not to have to make this decision for him. He made the right decision. A hard one. And we stayed cognizant of all the losses, discussed them.
You are right. This is hard stuff. But it must be addressed so well as we are all able. My best wishes out to you for bringing this discussion forward.
Force is a strong word, necessity may be a better word to use, no where is it written that we caregivers must give up our lives for a parent, we do the best we can.
We had to move our step-mother to a new MC to make her money stretch, so she would have more years as self pay. There is no way that my brother or I could or would care for her in our homes.