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Fedup45 Asked April 2023

Has anyone had the experience where your parents elderly friends interfere or cause problems and stress?

I would never think to interfere with a friend's family or the care of their family members. It seems most of my dad's friends disagree. I believe my dad recruits them and encourages their behavior. That's most likely why. Dad is a narcissist.


 


(Backstory example) While caring for my mom and my dad was in the rehab for stroke, my dad's friends would call my mom tell her to erase all her appointments (pt, ot, visiting nurse) off the white board and that nothing was wrong with her. She has dementia (Alzheimer's and vascular). She was also acting a bit kooky from a UTI. They would bring her cigarettes and open wine bottles for her. She's a fall risk and set her own hair on fire. She didn't call ems while my dad dragged himself across the room during a stroke. She smoked cigarettes in his face.


 


Last night while I'm getting my 5 yr old ready for bed, the cops show up to my house. My ring goes off, I see them looking through windows. I got scared I thought something may have happened to my husband at work. We bought the house from my parents Dec 2021. The officers were looking for my father, a concerned party called them. Wait, what???? I get even more scared. I said he doesn't live with us. He moved and is now in a nursing home with my mother who has dementia. I call my father he answers his phone. I asked the officers who made the inquiry, they won't say. They take some info and leave.


 


My father called back from his cell phone, I explained what happened. I told him I'm really upset, super anxious. It's also embarrassing having cops roll up to your home. My little one is watching everything. My husband was at work. I told him he needs to address his friends. Never had these people had such an interest in my dad until recently. They weren't at family holidays or dinners etc. My dad laughs at me and hangs up.


 


Anyway, I called him back I told him this isn't a joke, it's awful to deal with. He started making fun of me. I told him he's selfish and his friends are wackos. I told him to keep them away from me and my family. The call wasn't my best moment. If he's not returning his friends calls, maybe he just doesn't want to speak to them...I don't think I should be dealing with the cops, because they're not getting return phone calls. I think it's insane. I do not talk to his friends or have contact information.


 


 


 


Im ranting, sorry.

Beatty Apr 2023
Maintain that zero tolerance of Dad's 'gang' having anything to do with you & your family.

Hopefully the Police incident was a one-off. I'd explain the truth to my child - that G'Dad's friends were worried about him so they called the Police.. That it was a good thing the Police came looking, to make sure he was safe. But he IS safe in his NEW home.

What a shock! I can understand being embarrassed at the time.. but shake it off. Just some old codger didn't know or remember their mate was in a NH now.. probably a nice change for the Police from all the other cr@p call-outs that night. Or a relief not to have a missing person to find.

Wishing you a more peaceful week.
Fedup45 Apr 2023
Thank you! Fingers crossed it's a one time experience! 🤞
Fedup45 Apr 2023
Just a clarification...I think some of the people my dad had running his errands etc are no longer useful to him. I think he told his one friend that does all his bidding not to share the fact that he and my mom moved into a nursing home/al. I think my dad no longer returns phone calls to some of these people and that's why they called the police.

It just stinks I have to deal with cops coming to my house, because my dad is rejecting some of his "friends".

My dad creates chaos. He doesn't feel bad about any of this. I think he gets a kick out of all the drama.

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booboo20 Apr 2023
If I understand this, both your parents are in a nursing home. Is it possible to take away the phone? If you know it is your dad calling you can, not answer the phone just immediately call the nursing home and ask if there is a problem with either of your parents. If his friends are calling just block their numbers. The nursing home staff has a responsibility to notify you of any problems so you really shouldn't need your father or his friends calling you. You need to let the police know that your parents are in the nursing home and if they get a call about your parents the police should check with the nursing home.
Fedup45 Apr 2023
No. My dad has his brain still. His "friends" called the police. My dad has a landline in his suite and his cell phone.

When the officers came to my home I told them that they're in the nursing home. My feeling is he's not returning some of his friends calls. I don't know how the action of not returning personal calls warrants phone calls to the police for well checks though. It's mind boggling to me.
JoAnn29 Apr 2023
Your Dads stroke has effected his brain. Your anxiety is from worrying about something you cannot fix. Call or better, go to the police station and talk to the officer in charge. Ask if any calls coming in using ur fathers name with your address revert to the Nursing home where he is living. Give them his address and phone#.

Tell the staff at the NH you are going no contact with your father because of the pranks he is playing. You all so want nothing to do with his care. If they have to, contact the State to become his guardian. That you will continue to be in contact with Mom and visit once a month. Feel free to call you with any emergencies concerning mom or something she may need. But Dad, he can care for himself.

You have to get rid of what causes your anxiety, not live with it.
Fedup45 Apr 2023
I have a feeling my dad never updated his license address. They used last known of record I guess. I just find it so odd his "friends" are calling the police for well checks when he's in a nursing home. They're in the safest place they could be right now.

I already explained that to the head nurse there that I don't speak with my dad, but I do with my mom. He won't put a phone in her room, because she forgets to hang it up. So I still have to interact if he answers the phone. I'm going to wait a bit before I call again though.
Fawnby Apr 2023
Not much you can do but limit contact and refuse to have anything to do with dad and friends. You could continue with mom as you do.

Sorry to say it, but this may get worse unless dad kicks the bucket.
Fedup45 Apr 2023
My husband said that last night. 🙁
AlvaDeer Apr 2023
I doubt you can control what your Dad says to his friends. And I am certain you can't control what his friends do with it all.

I am sure it was disconcerting to have the police come to the door. Would frighten me half to death thinking someone I loved had been hurt or worse. But just calmly handle the matter and explain. You can explain even to your children and to neighbors that grandpa/dad is having a senior moment.

It's really the best you can do I think. Eventually the police will get used to these calls and field them more easily.

You say that when you attempted to discuss all this with Dad he made fun of you. To be honest, I can't tell if Dad is not very competent, or just mean. If the former there's not much to be done excepting discussing phone access with the faciliity.
If the latter, then I would withdraw attention and visits and calls from him. Every action has a consequence for those of us who ARE of a rational mind.

I sure do wish you good luck.
Fedup45 Apr 2023
He's just mean. I only call to chat with my mom and visit once a month. It's too stressful to do weekly. I am seeing a Dr to deal with the anxiety now.

You're very right...I can't control any of it. Geez, it's frustrating to say the least. Bizarro-world.

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