Hello,
I am an only child in my 30's, living out of state for over 15 years. My parents divorced when I was in college and my relationship with my mom has been strained ever since. We are not close but as the only child I have dreaded the day that I would need to step in with aging care. It seemed far off but in the last 4 months she has fallen (broke a shoulder), moved to ALF (I single-handedly cleaned and sold her condo in the aftermath. She is a lifelong hoarder so this was no small feat.), had a UTI and was hospitalized and went to rehab as a result, experienced extreme delirium and hallucinations in the hospital which led to a move to a different ALF facility (one that accommodates memory care as well as hospice, thankfully), and as of this week was back in the hospital for weakness and "inability to ambulate". She has Parkinson's Disease (now with Dementia) and Type 2 Diabetes, and she has not been proactive in her taking care of her health or planning for her future since the diagnosis 12 years ago.
I have made 3 emergency trips since December to take care of the aforementioned moves but now my family on the ground is asking if I am in a position to FLMA to be with my mom during this rapid decline. I am a working professional in a job that I love, with a partner and life that I've created in NYC. I am managing my mom's finances and care remotely (she is safe and being cared for by professionals at the facility) but I will not uproot my life just to watch her deteriorate. It may sound selfish or harsh but how do I effectively communicate this to my family? Side note: I am not close to these extended family members so I understand that they do not know me very well. That said, it is a major assumption on their part that I would be in a financial position to, let alone want to, take FMLA in this situation.
Any input here would be appreciated.
Thank you.
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Don't reply with anything insinuating you don't want to. All that does is create more drama and no one needs it.
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They are those who think they have solution to everything as long as it does not involve them directly.
My husband has Parkinson with no dementia for at least 8 years, diagnosed in 2015, but, suspect it began well before that. After hip fracture and subsequent surgery and then two additional for his back, nothing is better if not worse, even with 2 years of physio, 3 therapists each promising great results i.e. he will walk independently, which does not happen only gets worse.
His motor skills are diminishing greatly and there are other concerns as well. But, some live long with Parkinson, in your mother’s case could be years and years.
Your Mom is in right place, you cannot put your life on hold.
"Thank you for your concern. I am well aware of mom's decline and I am in contact with her care providers."
"I am not going to discuss decisions I am making, have made with you (or anyone) at this time"
"I am glad that you can visit mom every day, I am sure she is also grateful"
A few other things you can do.
Do not answer the phone unless you want to.
Let messages go to voicemail and respond if and when you feel like it.
Do not let anyone "guilt" you into making a decision that you do not want to make.
FMLA is not the be all and end all to taking personal time from you job that many think it is. It is wonderful for those that are retired to say take FMLA but it is not that easy.
Keep your backbone stiff and stick to your boundaries!
Excellent ... on point... and shows self-empowerment.
I appreciate your clarity. And dialogue options to consider.
Ignore these family members. As u say, you hardly know them. Just block them from calling you. If you need to say anything say "I am handling this the best way I can. I am not uprooting myself. If u feel my Mom needs more than I am willing to give, you have my permission to seek guardianship." Its called throwing it back at them. You owe them no explanations. Probably will never hear from them again once Mom passes. Your future is important. No need to give it all up for one person. You have done enough.
Continue to take care of yourself and your life. Honestly it is not their business to tell you what to do.
Your obligation is to take care of yourself and live your best life.
If it seems harsh to others, that's the way it is.
No one knows what has gone on in the home of a person's family of origin. Some families present a picture that is far from the truth. Often people judge those who choose to pull away from that dysfunction, and they know not what they judge.
Your mom is well cared for where she is. Let it be.
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