Hello,
I am an only child in my 30's, living out of state for over 15 years. My parents divorced when I was in college and my relationship with my mom has been strained ever since. We are not close but as the only child I have dreaded the day that I would need to step in with aging care. It seemed far off but in the last 4 months she has fallen (broke a shoulder), moved to ALF (I single-handedly cleaned and sold her condo in the aftermath. She is a lifelong hoarder so this was no small feat.), had a UTI and was hospitalized and went to rehab as a result, experienced extreme delirium and hallucinations in the hospital which led to a move to a different ALF facility (one that accommodates memory care as well as hospice, thankfully), and as of this week was back in the hospital for weakness and "inability to ambulate". She has Parkinson's Disease (now with Dementia) and Type 2 Diabetes, and she has not been proactive in her taking care of her health or planning for her future since the diagnosis 12 years ago.
I have made 3 emergency trips since December to take care of the aforementioned moves but now my family on the ground is asking if I am in a position to FLMA to be with my mom during this rapid decline. I am a working professional in a job that I love, with a partner and life that I've created in NYC. I am managing my mom's finances and care remotely (she is safe and being cared for by professionals at the facility) but I will not uproot my life just to watch her deteriorate. It may sound selfish or harsh but how do I effectively communicate this to my family? Side note: I am not close to these extended family members so I understand that they do not know me very well. That said, it is a major assumption on their part that I would be in a financial position to, let alone want to, take FMLA in this situation.
Any input here would be appreciated.
Thank you.
Does that mean the family that live there by Mom?
Because in my opinion THEY are the ones who should take this on.
Are you the POA? Did you agree to do the work of guardianship?
I would not take this on. If there are no others close enough in the family to do this I would let the ALF refer your Mom for guardianship of the state. Let them take on this fiduciary duty. As to you stepping in and being there in the "last times" there is utterly now way at present to tell if this is anywhere near "the last days". Your Mom might go on for a decade; who is to say.
I would not leave my state nor take on these duties and would let family "on the ground" know that you yourself are still way too up in the air and away from everything to do this and it is not within your ability to leave your life and your home and your family and job and that you have no intention of doing so. Then leave it to other family members or refer your Mom to the state for their care and assistance.
I keep hearing, "you should move your mom into your home." I have nowhere to put her. I could put her on my saggy couch in my living room, but she's in pain and that's certainly not going to help.
I feel selfish, but I also just don't want her living with me. I love her, but we haven't always had the best relationship. I also moved my dad in when his health was ailing back when I was an idealistic 24 year old...and I ended up having a nervous breakdown. He's now in assisted living.
My mom is doing ok, relatively speaking, but I know she's scared. She can't drive (unless she skips her pain management), but I got her set up with a ride service called GoGoGrandparent. I do as much as I can remotely. I attend zoom doctors appointments. I'm contact with her nurses. I visit her when I can, and she does occasionally stay with me when she has appointments on my side of the state (which I take her to). I call her every day, sometimes more than once.
I just can't help but feel guilty every time I hear "you should move your mom in," and it sucks. I'm already crying nearly every day about the situation. I'm in therapy. I've started medication.
I've also been at my job less than six months. I work in a volatile industry that is facing a lot of layoffs. I can't just stop my life right now, even if I wanted.
I know that she will end up in assisted living + hospice sooner than later, which will help my guilt. I just wish that people would keep their opinions to themselves, even if they mean well. I'm already dealing with a lot, and I don't need more guilt compounded to the guilt I'm already feeling.
Of course your local family members are telling you (the child) that it is your responsibility to step in and take care of her. That gives them the sense that they have contributed to helping her - because they are adamant that SOMEONE must - without actually DOING anything (well except attempting to make you feel guilty about something that you should have no guilt about to begin with). They have come to believe that someone has to step in and that someone has to be there - but that someone is not going to be them obviously - so that someone must be of course...you. People like to make all kinds of life choices...for other people. It's a heck of a lot easier!
As far as what YOU should do? What do you want to do? What works for your life? At some point you may want to go, if she deteriorates to the point of hospice and maybe only has a few weeks. But rapid decline does not imminent demise mean. And you have already done a lot, for someone that you already have a strained relationship with in the first place. Sure you have FMLA. But your mom is in good hands. What exactly do they think you would be doing there with your mom that THEY can't do with her? She is already having her physical needs met. If they want someone to visit with her - that's something THEY can easily do if they are local. If they are so very concerned they can check in on her.
My other thought on this is what I told my SIL and my husband. We are getting ready to move my FIL to a SNF. We already know he is going to blow our phones up day and night. BIL and I just won't answer. But SIL and DH will feel obligated to answer every time. I've been coaching them - he will call for everything under the sun. Nothing will ever be an emergency. If there is a TRUE emergency the facility will call. So I will give you the same advice. If there is something you NEED to know - the ALF will contact you if they have concerns. They will let you know if there is a need for you to come.
Additionally - if you were to blow through your FMLA right now - it's April. If you started right this second - you would only get through June before you ran out of federally protected job guarantee (and I don't know how your job works but that's not necessarily all paid either. Depending on whether you have some kind of paid family leave or PTO or something like that) That barely gets you through the middle of the year. Your mom could rally (especially if you were to visit for an extended period of time), she could linger on in a state of decline for multiple years, you just never know. And if you use the FMLA for this year now, you might not have it when you really need it later in the year.
This is a job you love, that you worked hard for. And they are asking you to drop your entire life and move there to do what exactly? Sit by her bed and wait? You would still need to work, find a home etc. That doesn't even account for your partner and having to uproot their life. How much more time would you really spend with her? And a "temporary" situation can become permanent faster than you can imagine.
My other thought - has she sent "flying monkeys" to get you? Has she put them up to this? Is that something she would do? Or could do?
Also, she complains about everything I buy her...."how come my computer (or phone, or whatever) doesn't do THAT?" ...and to me she is very narcissistic. Any time you bring up yourself or someone else as a topic, she changes it to herself asap.
Everyone else absolutely loves her (or so they act), but after spending ~$200k supporting her over the last 20+ years, I feel like she is a leach. Horrible to say about your parent, I know, but it's how I feel. But what do I do, let her become homeless at 86 years old?
I really am not trying to hijack the thread. I only wrote the above to say that for MANY different reasons not all of us love our parents, but we do what in good conscience we feel we need to do. Sounds like brooklynkitty has already done that...likely will continue to.
I certainly would not be one to lay a guilt trip on her or say she HAS to do anything that puts her job, marriage, or health (mental or physical) in jeopardy to assist a parent that she is not close to.
There are options but many don't realize there are these options and believe they need to subsidize a parents living expenses like you did.
If i had to subsidize my parent like you have I certainly wouldn't be buying her extras like a computer.
20 years seens like a really long time to have had to finance your mother. Was she unable or unwilling to work?
Also how us she able to hoard when she us broke? Is she picking up trash off the street or does she hoard garbage?
Any social security she gets should be going towards her paying for rent, food and utilities.
That means she shouldnt have any spending money left over since you are paying for everything.
Really simplifiying last years events I will say that I still did what I could for him (still working 40-55 hours a week, and driving 3.5 hours one way to assist him sometimes weekly). I finally got him placed near me in an adult family home where I could visit him (maybe that's a solution for you...? Semi-near if you are in an expensive place...?) I still ended up gaining 30 pounds in a year what with work and helping him.
You have to think of your future, and your husband first. You have a job you love. If you leave it will you regret it for years to come? Will you even be able to get a good paying job again? Some find they cannot due to their age and the economy. Would moving to help her stress your marriage (how could it NOT?).
It is always stressful helping an elderly parent, and it sounds like you have already gone above and beyond what some do for a parent they never were close to (NOT saying it was wrong at all to do the things you did, just being realistic...not all kids would even lift a finger).
Regarding all of the people who are giving you grief, there is a great book called "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. People will walk all over you, and when you finally put up boundaries they will sometimes throw a fit, be angry, etc., but that's on them. You need to do what is healthy for you! You can't allow stress to overtake your life and health, because sometimes it's irreversible.
I have not read all of the other posts, but I'm sure you have gotten lots of good advice. This is a great, supportive, forum.
So last fall, when my husband and I went out to see her in hospice, I saw her in emotional despair, and I couldn't bring myself to leave. Even though she's still hanging on, it's clear this is the last year of her life, and I felt I couldn't live with the regret if I left her to the devices of the ALF. Even the best places provide cursory care and need to be watched.
So basically I took the paid family leave New York offers (yes, in NYS it is Paid If you can get the hospice to qualify you and I was able to and got 12 weeks at about 950 dollars a week)... and then went on unemployment thanks to a very helpful employer.
I moved out temporarily to our hometown to care for her thanks to a very understanding and supportive husband. I never thought I would do that.
I found out this message board a lot of support for just leaving her to the care of the facility, but ultimately it was a decision I made based on what I could live with in the long run (I basically ignored my dad the last years of his life, and the regret plunged me into a 2 year depression).
Everyone has to make their own decision...I won't deny this decision has upended my life. My first instinct to just get on with my life and let her suffer the consequences of living a long life (we also had a very complicated relationship with resentment and codependency and some affection) morphed into any entirely different decision to move back to my hometown and manage her care when I saw her suffering emotionally.
It's been very, very hard upending my life. I won't recommend one way or the other because this is a decision you have to make yourself. I just empathize with you as I've been there.
I never expected to give up my life for this period of time; the only thing is I don't want to live with the regrets I had after ignoring my father, and that's why I'm here. Whatever decision you make, be kind to yourself. We have a right to live out lives free from the consequences of others' choices. Just in my case, I made the decision to stay with her based on what I could live with at the time.
I won't deny I'm just waiting for her to die and it's taken longer than I expected. I try to remember this is not forever and I won't regret my choice. But everyone has to make their own based on what they can handle. Just I found out I could handle more than I thought I could.
And as much as I miss my life, I know I will get it back. Seeing my mother thrive since I've been here, I know I've made a difference. But yes there is the price of leaving my "other" life ( and also financial pressure). I just don't want to have regrets. That's a higher price than any financial cost; that I know from experience from ignoring my father at the end of his life. I don't want to ever feel that again.
Looking at regrets was a good thing for me when my mother passed. According to her wishes her ashes were buried on the other side of the country. I had done all the POA and health proxy work. She had a mental illness so our relationship was not easy. I decided not to go for the interment of her ashes. My sister went.
A friend pressured me to go and I asked why. They said so you will have no regrets. My answer was that without doubt I would have no regrets from not going. I might have regrets from going. I didn't go and I have absolutely no regrets.
Incidentally, I did most of my caregiving from a distance too. When I got "the" call from the nursing home I flew there and saw my mother. She recognized me. The next day the roads were black ice and buses were in the ditch. I called the NH and said I couldn't come because of the roads. They said she had just passed peacefully. I was fine with that.
My view is that others have no business pressuring you. You are not selfish. You are looking after yourself, which you need to do.
Why not take a leave of absence from your job for a month and go?
The law says you can have some paid time to care for an elder parent.
You may regret not doing it after she passes away.
Once you are on the ground assessing the situation with no distraction of a job ., you will see if there may be alternatives ( should it take more than a month) .
it doesn’t have to be “uprooting”. You can have a different mindset than that.
Good luck
* You are doing a lot already.
* Do not allow anyone to pressure you.
* Give yourself credit for all that you are doing.
* See if your mom is entitled to social worker or geriatric case manager - anyone that could help out with day-to-day or monthly needs.
* I do realize you are caught between a rock and a hard place. Emotionally and otherwise. It is a difficult position to be in. STILL. You deserve a life and you have one. Keep it, honor it, nurture it.
* Be aware of what I call martyrs here. . . Don't fall for this guilt tripping.
They do present themselves here. (I just read through all the posts to you and it appears 100% of us feel the same way - I am proud of us ! )
Definition: • a person who displays or exaggerates their discomfort or
distress in order to obtain sympathy or admiration:
she wanted to play the martyr.
You do what you feel in your gut is right for you, your family, your life.
Do not be a martyr.
The situation is further complicated (or not...) due to having a strained relationship with your mother.
Guilt may project its ugly head now and then. Get therapist / support to deal with this - by all means. Do not uproot yourself.
And ... to those who 'encourage you' or 'ask you' to uproot yourself . . . what are they doing to help your mom? Who are these people. In other words, reflect their words back to them. If you need to role play the conversation with your significant other or a friend first, do that. Come from a place of inner-power.
And, private message me if you need more support. I will certainly give it to you.
Gena / Touch Matters
...and continue to do what you are doing...
This might be an opportunity for you to plan your retirement and last years of life with guidance from a great attorney.
you're the only one who has to live with the consequences of your decisions: whether you feel you should go or not.
only you know all the details, not us here on the forum.
only you know what feels right with your values, your situation, your finances.
someone in the world might advise you to go; someone might advise you not to. the fact is, you're the one who will have to live with whatever you decide.
hug!! ❤️🙂
just as an example:
1. i have a dear friend who couldn't stop working; needed the money. elderly parents were dying. they all lived in the same small town. she visited her parents, but not often. the parents died 1 week later. now she cries a lot: she told me, if she had known it would happen so fast, she would have visited more, but there was no way to know, it looked like it would last for months.
--she has no regrets, because there was no way she could have guessed how long it would be.
2. i have another friend who took time off work, to help his dying mother. she died 6 months later. it set him back financially a lot.
--he has no regrets.
You are already taking care of her remotely. Where are these family members that think you should be there?