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reneeantonia Asked March 2023

Mom is not willing to accept outside help or allow me to be her POA for anything. Any suggestions?

My mom has dementia but won’t allow the doctor to diagnose her so I can explore assistance. She expects me to handle everything and pay for everything. She used to be loving and caring and now thinks nothing of waking me up to ask questions, calling and texting me incessantly while at work, accusing me of doing things behind her back. She tells people outside the home that I’m trying to steal her money and my son and I don’t take care of her. So much so that elder services in my state investigated me. I have no access to her money, I have my own money. I pay the mortgage and all the bills, including all groceries. I miss the loving mom I had. She is oblivious to my stress, pain and lack of caring for myself. I can’t go anywhere without her knowing. I used to love my time at the gym, now if I am not home after my 11 hour work day, she starts calling incessantly. Crying. Accusing. Then denies the messages. My son and I can’t have a conversation alone, she immediately gets upset and accuses us of excluding her. We have to meet outside the house to get time together. I am resentful, exhausted and alone. None of my aunts or uncles help. My sister passed away a year ago and that seemed to trigger her dementia. I’m trying to take unpaid leave from my super stressful job, but I need her diagnosis to do so. It took me a year to get her to agree to the free counseling our state provides. It ends soon. Problem is that she doesn’t qualify for any programs. So any homemaker care, counseling or therapy will cost money. She refuses to use her funds and if I pay for everything I am jeopardizing my retirement savings and my own financial stability. While she sits on her funds not having to spend a penny. She refused to allow me as POA on anything. She refuses to sign forms so the doctor can speak with me. Yet she expects me to handle everything and pay for everything. She distrusts me for no reason. It has made me resentful. Angry. Deeply hurt. Yet I know she’s sick. I feel totally alone and stuck. I hate to say it but I wish she lived in elderly housing. I feel we would have a better relationship.

ZippyZee Mar 2023
It’s ridiculous to even consider taking unpaid leave to deal with this when you have bills to pay. Get her out your home by any means necessary, up to and including legal eviction.

Therapy will not fix her dementia. Nothing will. She will never get better, and your life will keep getting worse and worse until she is either out of your home or one of you is dead.

LoopyLoo Mar 2023
Whatever you do… do not take unpaid leave!

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Daughterof1930 Mar 2023
Your profile says your mother is living in your home. Clearly, it’s time to stop this arrangement. Please do not take leave from your job, do not use your finances to support her in any way, stop taking calls at any time it’s not convenient for you. You’re a fully grown person, responsible for only yourself. Your mother doesn’t want your help, she only wants to dictate to you on her terms, so time to stop participating in her madness and protect yourself. I wish you peace and rapidly getting away from this situation
BurntCaregiver Mar 2023
Caregiving can only be successful when the caregiver sets the terms. Not the care recipient.
BurntCaregiver Mar 2023
I'm assuming that you, your son, and your mother live together if you have to speak with your son outside so she cannot listen in.
Elder services investigated you and they never talked to her? It would very obvious to anyone who works in the elder care field to see that she has dementia. I think you may need to put in a call to APS for her.
In the meantime do absolutely nothing for her, and I mean nothing. If she lives in your house, evict her. If you and yor son live in her house leave immediately. Go stay with other family or even in a motel if you need to. Do not take her calls. Especially if you are at work. Stop enabling her false sense of independence. Whatever you do, DO NOT take a leave of absence from work.
Then, as harsh as this may sound and it is, let her rot in her own stubbornness. This is how it is.
Most of the time something has to happen to the elder like a fall or some other kind of injury before the medical community and even APS will act on their behalf. Or they will accept homecare assistance.
I did homecare for 25 years and have told many a stubborn elder similar to your mother that nothing gets a senior a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn.
You pay for nothing for her. You don't drive her anywhere, or cook her meals, or pay her bills, or wash her clothes - nothing until she agrees to go to the doctor for testing.
She very likely is sick and the only way she'll get the help and care she needs is if she is allowed to get sicker for a while. Things will have to get worse before they get better. Most of the time this is the only way an elder will accept the help that is offered to them.
She will not be cooperative about caregiving services in the home as long as you are providing for all her needs. You are enabling her delusion that she is still independent and in charge when she isn't.
Outside help will have to be forced on her. The only way that will happen is if you let things get rough for her for a while. Good luck.

Anabanana Mar 2023
‘I hate to say it but I wish she lived in elderly housing. I feel we would have a better relationship.’

My mother was very much like yours until I got her out of here and into care. It was so peculiar that, while here, I was the cause of all her problems (she claimed I even made her prematurely old) but, once she went into care, I went back to being her daughter. Briefly - she no longer knows me.

Do not worry about your mother no longer speaking to you re: guardianship. There is little of your mother left in there.

You cannot make her happy. Focus on keeping her safe.

CTTN55 Mar 2023
So she lives in your home with you and your son.

Is she alone during the time you are at work (with commuting, that is 11 hours/day?)? That doesn't sound very safe. What does your 21 year old son do? Does he go to school or work? I hope he isn't her caregiver when you are not there.

Do you see that you must get her out of your house?
reneeantonia Mar 2023
I work from home. However I have an office I had to rent about 3/4 mile away so she knows I am “right there”. Currently she is alone during the day. I often come home to see my dogs and make sure everything. Is okay she functions well physically and can go to the store etc. she goes to church. She isn’t yet at the point where she shouldn’t drive. But that’s coming. I’ve been trying to convince her to get a helper. But that costs $$ and I’m slowly trying to suggest that she pay for her own care. He is an electrical apprentice so he is working all day. He has unfortunately been put in a position to help me when he is home.
Way2tired Mar 2023
So sorry you are going through this. I can relate as I was in a similar situation . Burntcaregiver is right . You are doing everything for her is perpetuating her false sense of independence . I did that also until APS told me to stop doing . APS said unfortuanely sometimes “we have to let the elderly fail “before we can get them out of the house and they can be helped by professionals.
I know it is very difficult when you try to help them and they refuse. And at the same time you are being berated by a different person living inside your mother’s body . So sorry for you . It is heartbreaking for you to have your relationship with your Mom change .
You are absolutely correct when you say that it would be better if the two of you didn’t live together. Your mom is never going to be cooperative . She needs to be cared for by a non family member . She is treating you like her child , and thinks she is in charge. That won’t change .
Caregiverstress Mar 2023
Yep. A doctor told me that sometimes they have to be “allowed to rot” if they refuse help. It is their “right to rot”. He said that sometimes the caregiver has to walk away and monitor from a distance. When things go completely off the rails, the caregiver calls APS and reports an elderly person living alone at risk. You get APS involved and a caseworker/social worker and eventually they will take the elderly person in for examination. From there you tell them they should not be released as they are unsafe and they have no one to care for them anymore. It helps if by this point you have picked out a couple of options for places you would like to move them to. Then you work with them to get your LO placed.
NancyIS Mar 2023
Get connected with a local social worker who can refer you to resources in your area. You need an attorney who specializes in elder law. You are not responsible for paying your mother's expenses, unless you can and want to. She should be responsible for her own expenses, and should be organizing her life so that these are taken care of, as well as her care. If she is not capable of doing this, you may have to apply for guardianship. You should not have to quit your job and career to care for her, unless you want to do this. It's up to you to draw your own boundaries of how much you can do and pay for her care. Good luck!

Beatty Mar 2023
When resentment starts to build it can be because we are giving too much.

"I hate to say it but I wish she lived in elderly housing. I feel we would have a better relationship".

I think it is ok to say it..
In fact, I think you just identified the issue right there.

Boundaries would be redefined: Your Mother would have her own living space & you would be her daughter again.
BurntCaregiver Apr 2023
When the resentment starts in, that is when it's time to part ways and make different living arrangements.
AlvaDeer Mar 2023
Thank you so much for the information you provided below in answer to my questions. They really help.

So you tell us that this is your own home, and that it is your dream home and you love it.. So you and your son are well and set, given your job and etc. That means a lot.

You then, it seems have taken your Mom into your home and that isn't working. So much so that you have "been investigated".

I am thinking that it is time to tell her to leave. That she has about 150,000 is good, as this will provide, along with SS each month, enough to afford rental or to go into a Board and Care. She is not diagnosed as incompetent, so she can be on her own and make her own decisions. I would not then EVER take her in again. If she needs care she can go to placement, spend down her money, and if she outlives it she can apply for medicaid.

There is no reason you have to take care of someone you cannot live with (barring of course an underaged child, which is your responsibilty.)

Sit your Mom down and explain to her the time limit she has on finding a place to live. Tell her you will help her look for a place she can afford. But tell her that living with you is no longer an option. If she refuses tell her that you will evict her (and evict her you may need to do, as someone living with you is a tenant even when they don't pay rent in some states.)

And, again, either a Licensed Social Worker in private counseling practice or an elder law attorney to work out options. You Mom's assets should go to her care. If that is living with you and you can come to agreeement on shared living expenses with a contract drawn up in an elder law attorney's office, so be it. But no one is obligated to take their parent into their home, and allow them to stay there when the living circumstances have become miserable.

Again, I surely do wish you the very best of luck.

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