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Theman2289 Asked January 2023

Should I contact APS?

Hi, my name is Daniel. In 2021 my father started to have dementia pretty bad. I did not notice what it was, but I took care of him from 2016-2021. When my sister found out she is POA, she came and told me she was taking my father to get an MRI. He wouldn't go with me because he knew it was for his brain and would constantly fight me about it. Anyways, she came August 15, 2021, and just took my father to North Carolina where they lived and told me I had to move out. She told me I had to move out of the house and that they sold it. They then bought a 600-thousand-dollar house in North Carolina. I moved about 35 mins away so I could still see my father, but they still use his money and take out cash from his pension (a lump sum of 2 million) and they already have started to use the money. I take my father for two weeks of the month, every month, and she doesn't pay me or allow me to have access to any of his money. She gets his social security ($4,500 a month). She makes 48 grand a year and her husband just sits at home and smokes weed (doesn’t work). They bought a 90,000-dollar fence to surround their 6 acres. They probably spent 90 thousand on guns, too. They have 5 vehicles. I am also not allowed to visit my father whenever I want, only on dates she allows. Who do I contact about all this? Any help would be great. It's making me not sleep or eat. I am also very pissed, too.

Theman2289 Jan 2023
Crazy a dude around got a caught taking 200 grand out his mothers 401k for a house had to pay that back 200,000+400,000$ and 15 years in jail stealing from dementia patients has serious penalties im glad I never had my dads money and always made my own I also called the police bc they have guns and marijuana in the same house as my dad so they the police will probably go to the house with aps and search it inhad a picture of her husband next to his ak47 with a beer and a ounce of weed next to it

newbiewife Jan 2023
The first posting was on Friday, Jan 13th. It's now Sunday, 15th, and OP says he's already contacted APS and hired an attorney. While it's great if he's done this, I find it rather implausible that it could all happen over the weekend.

A question for Theman2289 (Daniel), which is a bit off the main important topic of concern which is possible abuse: You say you take care of your father 2 weeks out of every month and that you bought a cabin and 26 acres so you could be near him and see him. You feel you should be compensated in some way for taking care of him, which is perhaps not unreasonable, but the money should come from his funds and you should have a written agreement from the POA. But from your sister's perspective, you appear to have volunteered to take care of your father, and did so before without compensation. Is that correct? Did she ask you to take him for 2 weeks a month or did you volunteer? The whole family dynamic here, and who did what when is rather confusing, given the way it's written.
Theman2289 Jan 2023
Yeah I have adhd sorry I can't write like you can no I dnt voolunterr for free shit I could be working do you smoke crack or something the house she living in now she bought with his 401k money 600grand and yes it is their name not my fathers yes on Friday I already contacted them before posting this there's just such negative thing about the aps that they dnt do anything so Iam just asking around and yes I have reached out to a lawyer I have in not anyway wanted tk move out of my childhood house and come to this dumb state nc you are not allowed to sell assets and then just use them on yourself and I only have seen him three days for the last two months and they refuse to get him a phone

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Theman2289 Jan 2023
Thanks everyone for the fast response I called aps about the money and hired a elder lawyer to get all of his money back I dnt care if they spend the next 5 years in prison and if their child gets thrown to wolves, you shouldnt steal from family with dementia
Beatty Jan 2023
APS can investigate.
Lawyers can draft a case.

Of course does not mean there will be abuse or fraud found or able to be proved.

But hopefully with these extra 'eyes', Dad will be kept safe & well cared for.

Living with Dad for a long time, then having him taken away must have caused you much anger & sadness.

Maybe your sister felt you were not able to care for Dad any longer? Not able to work & supervise him at the same time? Was trying to do what was 'right'? Just another viewpoint..

It can sometimes be easy to blame others for everything...

Getting dementia happens. It sucks. But it is no-one's fault.

Families often disagree with the direction care should go. Moving between sisters' & your place sounds like a equal share-care plan but this will get too hard on Dad. A permanent home he is familiar with will be needed at some point.

Looking into a Social Worker service to help may benefit when it comes to weighing up the options of a permanent home.
tygrlly1 Jan 2023
Again, abusers isolate their victims...call the police. You know your dad well, and it is quite possible sister is being subjected to abuse as well. Im sure dad is upset at being kept from you as well.... Prayers.
Theman2289 Jan 2023
Yeah it's sad bc he doesn't like being there always crying I mean I have adhd and not perfect it's hard to take care of him alone it's just extra hard with her husband controlling everything she can't even talk to her friend with out him sitting there listening but I'm not as evil as them it's just not in me I guess I don't know even when I was allowed over her husband would just come out randomly bc we always watch jersey shore and they dumb as hell hahaha it's funny but he'll come out think we're talking about him something I dunno he probably has mental problems and stuff
tygrlly1 Jan 2023
Trust your gut on this......and if you truly feel there is wrongdoing or potential harm to your dad, you need to immediately call the local County Adult Protective Services Dept and report potential elder abuse...financial and neglect. Smoking weed, a barricaded remote property and guns sounds like a potentially dangerous situation. I would also file a paper report with local law enforcement and let them know you are reporting this to APS. You can request a well being check whenever they bar you from seeing dad. Abusers isolate their victims from loved ones. So sorry you and dad are going through this. You sound like a very loving son.

ArtistDaughter Jan 2023
This isn't making any sense. The house she bought from the money of the sale would have to be in your father's name. If you believe there is elder abuse, that it is your father's money she is living on, then get an elder attorney and see what you can do about it. But simply not liking her life style is not enough of a reason to go after her. If you think she is being abused by her husband/boyfriend?, then report him. If you want paid to care for your father, you have to ask for that right now.
Theman2289 Jan 2023
We sold the house in newjersey my father came to New Jersey and gave money a signed check and everythig. (Also in 2021 he could walk and do things he has lui body dementia and rapid frontal dementia he is only 70) Bc it took mad work to get it back in shape and my friends and I got paid for it it cost like 45 grand to redue anyways she saw him give me money then when she got back to NC she told me they just used the money out of the 401k that they have for him before the house was sold it sold shortly after that but then I was living in upstate NY for year with my friend and she wouldn't let me visit for a year so I bought a cabin with 26 acres here and have him every other two weeks or so bc she says she can't watch him on her own it get annoying lol me an my sis are very close her husband splits apart and it's very annoying and he bought he house in his name so they instantly have a 600 thousand dollar house when my dad passes away
Fawnby Jan 2023
If illegal activity is going on in the house, you have a responsibility to report it to law enforcement.

lealonnie1 Jan 2023
How do you know all this financial info about what your sister is supposedly doing with dad's money? Surely you are not relying on a elder with dementia's version of what's going on? Was your sister questioning what you were doing with dad's $4500 per month SS checks or his pension while you were caring for him from 2016-2021? She's dad's POA and she IS allowing you to see him, so I seriously doubt you'd have much luck with court orders for visitations that are already taking place, just not on your timetable. Plus you are with him 24/7 for 2 weeks out of each month which is more than reasonable by anyone's standards !

APS may look into how his money is being spent, maybe.....but that would likely drive a huge wedge between you and your sister by casting suspicion upon her. Which could lead to spiteful repercussions and not being able to see dad at all.....which is not the goal you have in mind.

Before you take such a drastic step, I'd seek guidance from an elder care lawyer about the most prudent way to go about getting what you'd LIKE to get out of this, which seems to be more money....because you already spend a lot of time with dad. Maybe a lawyer could help you draft a salary plan or getting an inheritance while dad is still alive. That may be something worthwhile to discuss.

I'm sure you're resentful that your sister seems to be living high on the hog thanks to dad's finances. But if he's well cared for, comfortable and agreeable to all of it, then I'm not sure you can do too much. As far as getting paid for when you care for dad half time, I think you should speak to your father and your sister immediately about a salary you all agree is fair. Why didn't you do that right away? You're short changing yourself and should get paid for your time if that would help you make ends meet and feel better at the same time. If your sister is entitled to some form of monetary gain from caring for dad half time, then so should you.

Best of luck.
Theman2289 Jan 2023
He's not they spend his money on marijuana I know bc they were drug dealers in nj i know they spend his money on guns bc I was apart of their account and when I saw it I complained 4800 on a handgun nah you can't just spend it on stuff like that I dnt care if it drives a wedge between us her husband beats her and abuses her doesn't let her use her phone It's a sketchy situation for me my mother committed suicide infront of me and I can't see my father if he's dying on a death bed at their house it's crazy how shitty ppl become I dnt care about the money I work for Lyft Uber careteam and wag I just dnt want my sister husband wasting it on dumb stuff he has never had a job since he met her for 18 years lol how can you feel like a man hahaha
ConnieCaretaker Jan 2023
It think you can get a court order for visitations; please make that appointment with the Elder Law Attorney for clarification.

AlvaDeer Jan 2023
Yes, you might start with APS and ask that they open an investigation into how your sister is managing your Father's 2 million dollars; simply tell them you believe she is not keeping records, and is using her money for herself. If that doesn't work you might wish to see an Elder Law Attorney to find out what your options are. Take any evidence you might have.
As to not being paid, if you don't wish to have your father for this amount of time without some financial help tell Sister you won't be taking him any more.
Theman2289 Jan 2023
Yeah but then I can't see my father and we've lived together for our whole lives and I know they spent the money bc I was there when they bought it I was able to be over their house for two months then it got really weird they put listening devices on my father when he was at my house and tracking devices her husband doesn't let me speak I the phone with my sister she won't answer only in txts messages so I'm like wtf and when my uncles and other family comes bc they have a 600 thousand dollar house they says with them and I can't go and visit my father she also won't give him a phone

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