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Zeeh79 Asked January 2023

Why is my mother-in-law so miserable?

When she's around us ( home) she's all doom and gloom but as soon as she sees someone other than the home people, she gets all smiley and bubbly as if all is well. As soon as they leave its depression and rudeness and frowns and meanness. is this normal and how do we handle it without feeling the same feelings?

bundleofjoy Jan 2023
if your MIL has a sense of humour, tell her:

❤️🙂 "Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!"

NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2023
I don’t think anyone is surprised by this behavior. It is extremely typical! Most of us expect it from certain people. No one is saying that it is appropriate for someone to do.

My husband’s grandmother was an awful mother to my MIL. Why? I have absolutely no idea because her mother, my husband’s great grandmother was very sweet.

My precious MIL said that her mother had been mean all of her life. My MIL would pray as a child that her parents would get divorced so that her dad would be happy.

Back then divorce wasn’t common and he died a broken man from this domineering woman!

There aren’t enough words to tell the pain that this woman caused for others. She had zero empathy or humility. She lied like a rug! She was harsh and abrasive and downright arrogant.

She never once owned a thing if she was confronted. Sadly, she went to her grave as a miserable woman without any apologies to anyone. She died completely alone because no one could stand to be around her anymore.

Whenever someone took her to the grocery, the bank, the doctor, the pharmacy, the hair salon, wherever, people always thought that she was good as gold because she showed her very best side to others. They reserve the crappy side for family members! Sad but true.

It makes sense though, because they can’t p*ss everyone off, because then they wouldn’t have anyone on their hook!

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JoAnn29 Jan 2023
I am with Burnt here. It would be hard to explain to a 6yr old why his grandmother treats him badly. And believe me, this is how he is going to remember her. You should not allow her to disrepect him or him disrepect her. I believe that there maybe a lesson here for your kids but its not fair that the attention they should be getting goes to a woman who is really not in this world anymore mind wise. 4 kids is enough without caring for MIL. It will only worsen. She needs to be placed. No money? Then Medicaid.

Zeeh79 Jan 2023
Thank you everyone for your answers!! Not that I am happy but glad I am not alone😣 ..

I did forget to mention but yes, mil does have dementia. And yes that could be a cause! But the ‘company manners’ makes sense. But also makes me wonder how the rest of us are not important ?

it also Gets harder when I have to balance or referee btn my 6 year old and her.

oh well.. praying for patience and strength for all of you going through the same and myself ! 🙏
NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2023
Your profile says that you have four kids. That’s a lot on your plate. Wishing you all the best.
MJ1929 Jan 2023
I call it ''Company Manners." My mom had them when others were around, and my daughter had them when she had colic. No one realized Mom had dementia for YEARS after she clearly did, and no on believed that my sweet baby girl cried and screamed for eight hours straight every day, because both of them perked right up when someone new came through the door.

Neither behavior was intentional, in my opinion. My mother struggled mightily to appear "normal" when others were around, and of course, my daughter was an infant with none of the ability to manipulate people with her behavior.

Feeling miserable when you're sick and elderly is the norm/ The company manners are the aberration, so try to be sympathetic that your MIL isn't experiencing her happiest years.

As my own MIL once said, "You know, the 'golden years' aren't really all that shiny."
BurntCaregiver Jan 2023
@MJ

The MIL not being in the prime of her life anymore is not reason to excuse her abusive behavior towards the person who has to do for her.
Not being in her "happiest years" anymore does not entitle her to ruin the lives of the family and the home with her abusive negativity and neediness.
Many people will disagree with me on what I'm going to say and that is fine. I respect that.
If someone can showtime well enough and be all bubbly and upbeat for "company" they can treat their own family who does for them with some level of respect and decency.
They should be fully deprived of any and all attention when the rudeness, misery, gloom and doom comes around. If someone can put on "company manners" they still have control of their actions.
Natasana Jan 2023
I feel for you. The constant doom and gloom can suck the joy right out of you if you take it in. My mom is like your MIL. She is an Eeyore. Her go-to phrase is "I don't know what to do, I just don't know." All the while wringing her hands, blowing her nose, crying, or pacing. She is like this more often than not, and worse when sundowning often to the point of panting. I have to give her lorazepam to reduce the agitation. Mom gets in this state over things such as deciding where to sit, looking for her comb or glasses, planning an easy way to exit a room, worrying overwho is going to work tomorrow or coming home from work tonight, or what to have for dinner. This often turns into her telling me how cruel I am for insisting she wear a pullup or insisting she stay in bed at night. She often says she wants to report me....You might guess, if we have a visitor she is all smiles and daisies. Amazing how that switch gets flipped.
BurntCaregiver Jan 2023
@Natasana

Why don't you place her? Find an AL for her to move to. You don't have to live with this. No one does.
She thinks it's cruel that you insist she wear a pull-up? Ask her if she thinks it would be cruel if you put her in a nursing home.
Start calling her out on her BS in front of company. If you catch her slanderously "storytelling" or lying about you to anyone call her out right there in front of them. If she's doing it on the phone, take the phone and tell the person on the other line that she is a liar and what she's saying has never happened.
I started doing this a while back with my mother. The villifying and complaining about me to anyone who will listen has disappeared. It works.
Kbelreivins Jan 2023
My grandmother is the same way. Myself and one of her daughters take care of her husband and her and she is so nasty to us most of the time. Rude. Snide comments. Always complaining that we don’t do enough or do something wrong. Always complaining about her symptoms and how awful she feels. Then she gets around people who come around once a year to use/ask for cash and she’s so nice with them. Telling them how much she misses them. How great she’s doing. All smiley and laughing. Drives me insane. I just don’t play into it. When she makes her snide remarks I just walk away and she talks to herself.
BurntCaregiver Jan 2023
@Kbelreivins

You and her daughters need to learn the following:

Shut the hell up. I will not help you if you behave disrespectfully to me.


Then walk away and do absolutely nothing for her. Totally ignore her. Let her get a taste of what life is like when no one does a damn thing for her. You'll see how much the complaining and snideness gets reduced when her crap is no longer tolerated and no one will play her games.
I learned well from my aunt on dealing with snide and nasty elders.
My grandmother complained incessantly. My aunt was a good woman and took care of her mother well. When grandma would get snide and nasty about meals for instance, my aunt would pick up her plate and throw it in the garbage. My aunt was a great cook and my grandmoter loved to eat, so she quit the snideness and complaining over the meals.
I do the same. My mother used to complain and be snide about meals. When she'd start up, I'd throw her plate in the garbage and you can go hungry. Meals are no longer a source of complaint for her. I do not tolerate abusive behavior on any level and I do not play games.
If you and the other people who are caring for your grandmother start putting your collective foot down about how much you're willing to take from her, she will stop.
JoAnn29 Jan 2023
Is she living with u or u with her. If you, you have leverage. This is your home and as such she needs to show you respect. If she does not like it there, then you will find her a nice AL she can afford and if not a nice NH. Her home, if she wants your help, then she needs to show you respect or you will be moving out and she can go to an AL. As Burnt said she isca brat and how to you handle a brat, ignore them.

NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2023
This is typical behavior of most people. There was a poster who referred to this as ‘company’ behavior. That’s exactly what it is. They want other people to see their best side. She shows you the entire view, all sides.

lealonnie1 Jan 2023
Some people love misery SO much, they meet it half-way. That's my husband's saying & it couldn't be more true.

My mother was exactly the same way & the prime reason I would never take her into my home to live with us. She & dad went directly into Independent Living then into Assisted Living when they needed more care, and then mom into Memory Care after dad died & her dementia worsened. It's the only way for you to 'handle' this matter without feeling the same feelings! If you were to go for a drive every time MIL acted up, you'd be living on the road. My mother was on the max dose of Wellbutrin for her depression, and STILL she was miserable 90% of the time. The 10% of the time she wasn't miserable was when she was performing for others who weren't her family members.

Why ask 'why'? Just DO something about the intolerable situation that exists and will never be 'fixed'. Some things in life just aren't fixable.

My condolences on your situation. Wishing you the best of luck in removing your MIL from your immediate surroundings.

BurntCaregiver Jan 2023
You have pretty much described my mother to the letter. Many seniors are like this. When she is spreading her negative misery around walk away and totally ignore her. Don't give her the slighest attention whatsoever. Actually get in your car and leave the house if that's possible and leave her alone to stew in her own misery.
When the meanness and rudeness start up do the same, only tell her once that her tolerated and if she wants to continue living under your roof she had better knock that crap off right quick.
This is the response a parent gives a teen brat acting up. It also applies to a senior brat. Do not engage with her. Do not speak to her. Do not even stay in the same room with her.
Please stop tolerating this behavior from her. It has to stop and if you don't nip it in the bud now what will happen is the gloom and doom, the misery and negativity will turn into manipulation, fight instigating, abusive neediness (which always results in losing independence), and slanderous "storytelling" villifying you to anyone that will listen.
I was an in-home caregiver mostly to elderly for 25 years. I have seen many a good DIL, actual daughter, and grand daughter (it's almost always women) get real trouble in their lives because a nasty, spiteful senior wants to behave abusively and can showtime and storytell well enough to get someone in real trouble. I have seen this happen to good people who were doing right by their elderly relative or client.
You putting up with this crap stops today. You and your husband together confront your MIL about her behavior when there isn't 'company' around and that neither of you will have it. That either she cleans up her rude, mean, negative, gloom and doom act or she gets moved out of your house into a care facility. If she is too far gone with dementia that she can't understand you, start looking into placement for her. The two of you need to make your meaning very plain that if EITHER of you ever catch her "storytelling" and villifying you to anyone, that the arrangements to place her happen that very day.
I don't know if your MIL has an actual diagnosis of dementia or if you just think she has it. Have her tested. Observe her behavior carefully. Many times dementia is not to blame for the bad behavior.
purplebadger Jan 2023
Burntcaregiver, You hit the nail right on the head! Especially when you said that many times dementia is not to blame for the bad behavior! My mom acted the same way towards me her entire life! She had me so twisted in the head that I couldn't get it through my head that she was a narcissistic, game player until the man of my dreams told me the truth about her and saw how she was for himself! Every time I tried to help her, she paid me back by making me miserable! He told me over and over to quit helping her, and finally I was strong enough to quit helping her! Finally, she got placed in a facility and now it's just my wonderful husband and I living together in love and harmony! 💕
AlvaDeer Jan 2023
She is using her wiles to get attention. One can get attention any number of ways. And we are always the worst to the ones we love, live with, and are used to. All our inhibitions to "politeness" fly out the door with the visitors. So sorry, but it's true. I think of Christmas eve. All the hauling, cooking, set up. All the "merriment". All the happy happy. And when they are out the door I turn to my mate and say "I am just SO exhausted". Honestly felt speechless with shell shock. I'm afraid that's just life sometimes.
BurntCaregiver Jan 2023
@Alva

Never respond to bad behaviors with attention. Ignoring is the way to go. Don't give them what they want because the bad behavior will only get worse.
I don't neccesarily buy that we treat the people we love the most the worst. I never did.
Never respond to bad behavior with attention from a child or an adult.
It's like a dog begging at the table. If everyone keeps giving him a taste he never learns to go to his own bowl and let the people eat in peace.
Daughterof1930 Jan 2023
We all relax and show our true selves around family, the people we’re closest to and feel most comfortable with. Sounds like she needs more interaction with others. Look into adult day programs for people with dementia. She can get out and have socialization and you can have a needed break in caregiving. She may also need a medication to calm the sadness. Ask her doctor to evaluate for this.
JoAnn29 Jan 2023
My Mom did not need a Drs Eval to be excepted at Adult Day Care. Dementia was not a criteria. There was a woman there near my age who was in a wheelchair but no cognitive problem. Men sat watching TV and talking in one room. They took people grocery shopping and shopping at stores like Walmart.
BarbBrooklyn Jan 2023
Welcome, Zeeh!

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