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tygrlly1 Asked January 2023

Guardianship after no contact NPD mentally ill mother with dementia. Any suggestions?

Yes..the sh*t circus continues. I have enlisted the assistance of our local Adult Protective Services County Dept and APS SW requested that she and I have a joint meeting today with my 92 year old NPD mother..and the SW saw the devil come out....I have not been paid for groceries since October and even though I am on her acct, and did draw out exact amount for November ...mother tells me if I take her money she will call the police. Everything is done online and delivered and shows that it is delivered to her name and apartment. I have essentially gone no contact but had groceries delivered on Dec 30..which she does not remember even though SW looked in her frig which was fully stocked. She told SW I was lying. SW looked at her checkbook and told her no checks for groceries have been written to me since the one on OCT 20 she gave me. She is incapable of handling her checkbook and SW feels she has lost all memory of the past 2 months and current events. Psychiatrist through the County is now going to do an eval to establish if guardianship is needed...which she can still contest, even though I am POA health and finances. She slapped at me when I asked to see her checkbook. Luckily SW saw all this and finally understands first hand what I have been telling her and staff about her gaslighting and manipulation. She is telling everyone and staff where she lives that I am stealing her money, that I refuse to take her to Dr for check ups and that I have done nothing for her.(Ive been at her beck and call for 10 years since my dad died) brother escaped 12 years ago) I am not going to agree to become guardian. SW feels that she will also escalate to saying I am abusing her so that is probably a wise decision ..My brother will not either due to her lifelong abuse and her refusal to cooperate with anything we have tried to do for her or set up safeguards to prevent this exact scenario . SW is meeting with her again on 1/6 and told her to come up with a plan on how she is going to get her groceries and get to her Dr because I will no longer be available or in her lufe at this point.She spends at least 300.00 a month on groceries and is too fussy to eat most of the the meals , even though they are included in her IL rent. She has no concept that she will run out of money . I was told I was selfish that I saw my adult children and grandkids over Christmas after she refused to allow them to come over when they were in town for Thanksgiving ( My husband and I had COVID and couldnt meet with them..which she also accused me of making up)She rammed into my husband with her walker, told him she hated him, and hit me when we came to try and help her with her checkbook when we were recovered..after she said she couldnt balance her checkbook and asked for help. I worked Christmas Eve and Day and we celebrated with my family the weekend after, and I informed her that she would not see me again due to her behavior. ....She ended the meeting by saying that she is " never wrong" and that I am the one with dementia and that I should go to hell and never contact her again. Gladly...music to my ears. Looking for experience with non family guardians and affirmation on me not taking that albatross on. I came home again with panic attack and vomiting.I am 68 with numerous health issues and she has had lifelong narcissim and untreated mental health issues and abused my wonderful dad when he was in wheelchair due to neurological disease . She hates that I remarried and have a close relationship with my adult kids and grandkids and that I have the nerve to take a vacation once or twice a year with my husband. She feels that I owe her a written itinerary of how I spend my time . She hates that my husband did not die of his massive heart attack in 2018 so that I would then be " a widow like me".( Her exact words) She hates that I got attention for having cancerous tumors removed from my pancreas also in 2018 and was in ICU for 3 weeks .Im done .

Cemay1 Jan 2023
No need to take the abuse and don’t know why you lasted so long. You have to care for yourself first, like in the safety preservation in the airplanes - when the oxygen masks drop.

When your mother calls to balance the checkbook, sorry dear - I am busy, you are going to have to do it. When will you have time? Let me get back to you. Gotta go now. Bye.

When APS takes over, I imagine she’ll no longer have a telephone. I suggest either changing your # or letting her calls go to voicemail. That way, you won’t have to talk to her directly. She won’t say anything nice either.

tygrlly1 Jan 2023
I don’t know if this is related but wanted to share . I am in the ER per my Dr ..second time with COVID since November ( fully vaxxed and boosted) and my Dr concerned about pneumonia Waiting room full. Elderly woman with son complaining and moaning she had to wait , putting on an obnoxious performance. Moaning and complaining she had to wait for X-ray. Tech comes and she wants it read right away. More histrionics , moaning and complaining. Nurse comes to take her back to see the Dr. Moaning stops, she sits upright , and is whisked back…big smile on her face, like a queen holding court . Poor son trailing behind. Wish they could come up with Narcissist vaccine .

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cxmoody Jan 2023
You’re making the right decision. You’re 68, and deserve to finally have some peace!

Hopefully, there will be some members along with experience in non-family guardianship.

JoAnn29 Jan 2023
I had a conversation with my nephew today about the here after. What if there was nothing beyond this life we are noe living. That there is no God to answer to. Would we live our lives different. Their would be no "honor ur father and mother". Would we put up with those abusive, nasty parents?

Ty, you have done all you can. You are lucky that APS is involved. Seems they are willing to take over let them. Allow them to be her guardian. Everything will go smoother. Your right in backing away.
tygrlly1 Jan 2023
Thank you so much....I have always wondered why there is not the same "elder abuse" protection for elderly caregivers....but I am at peace with turning her over to County APS and let the chips fall where they may. I have tried for 10 long years, and I cannot remember a single thing I have tried to do to make her life better that she hasnt fought me on. My dad , who I loved so much, told me on his death bed not to let her destroy me. Thank God I had one wonderful nurturing parent. I just wish he had also escaped her. However, he was a very faith filled man, and took his marriage vows seriously. I believe that God did not create us to be beaten down and bullied by people filled with evil and mental illness, who refuse to get help. I am so happy my dad is finally at peace.
AlvaDeer Jan 2023
My personal opinion is that if you accept guardianship given what you already know, I would have little sympathy with/for you. You fully understand at this point that there is no having control over this situation no matter what court papers you have to pass under the nose of anyone at all.
Please consider reading Liz Scheier's excellent memoir, Never Simple, about how she spent the best years of her life trying to act for her mentally ill mother, who lived into her 80s making the lives of the daughter, the Social services of the City and State of New York miserable, and never found any help for herself at all.
Let the city and state take on the care of this woman, step back and live the one and only life you have to live. If you continue to make the choices to make this your mission in life, do understand that you yourself are not mentally impaired. You are doing it by choice.
Consider getting help for yourself and setting up boundaries now. I know this sounds real tough-love in nature, but I am indeed trying to shake you up so there will be some understanding. Your Mom isn't responsible for what she is doing. She is mentally ill. Let those entities trained to do so attempt to provide her with help and monitoring, and do know that there often is NO ANSWER ever for those who have descended into deep mental illness.
Our society, in it's wisdom or in its helplessness has decided that those who are mentally ill are allowed to make decisions for themselves. The result hasn't been pretty at all. Not everything has an answer. But the answer is surely not to sacrifice your own life on this altar. I really hope you will get help and I wish you well.
tygrlly1 Jan 2023
I have already stated I will not be accepting guardianship ..and I really am not naive about this situation ...I have made the choice to step away and fully am aware that I will (gladly) relinquish control. I dont need to be "shaken up" as you state. I have done all I can and realise that. I know you mean well but you were pretty harsh and I dont think you really read my post thoroughtly. Just looking for support and affirmation. Tough love not needed.
BarbBrooklyn Jan 2023
Why on earth would you want to have contact with someone this abusive?

If you become her guardian, she will STILL abuse; you will be legally responsible for her well being and have extensive reporting responsibilities tothe State.

I don't see how that could possibly work.

The State will be able to force-place her in the level of care she needs (which you would have difficulty doing, because many facilities will tell you that they won't accept family-generated involuntary placements).
tygrlly1 Jan 2023
Not going to accept guardianship as I stated in my post.
ZippyZee Jan 2023
Wash your hands of the situation, cut off any financial support, and leave this horrible person to her self-made fate. Go no contact again. Stop buying her food, and do NOT become her guardian. Let her become a ward of the state.
tygrlly1 Jan 2023
Thanks ....I have already decided I definately will not be her guardian. She will have to eat her meals, which she pays for in her rent , with the rest of the people there who are grateful to have a very elegant place to live. I have always believed she had a psychopathic personality. She is already gaslighting the SW, calling her "honey " but SW is on to her. Thanks for your reply.

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