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Babs75 Asked December 2022

Aging and others thinking you need to change. Do other seniors go through this from their spouse and kids?

I'm 65 years old, married 44 years, managing my dad's care for almost 8. This site has been a lifesaver for me on numerous occasions as there have been some bad times for him, but these days, he is stable in MC. But now it's about ME! My husband retired in 2019. but I continually feel like he wants me to entertain him. We do, however, have vacation property that he goes to in spring/summer/fall just 2 hours’ drive from here. Sometimes I go too but time by myself is so important, and I enjoy it so much, so I usually stay home. I continue to work, which is my choice. I am a data analyst for a large company. I've been doing this for 10 years and have earned respect of my coworkers and make a comfortable living. We have been work-from-home since Covid. I really like what I do and have no intention of quitting anytime soon, which has caused issues here, but I feel like this is MY choice and no one else's, not to mention, I can't afford to quit. I've seen what things cost as you age from being my dad's guardian and conservator. I also do 3 Zumba classes a week and my husband and I work out with a personal trainer 1 day a week. I enjoy crafting and have sewing and a Cricut. There seems to be this push for me to 'get a life'. If I hear it one more time, I will scream. I have a life I am quite happy with but no one else seems to believe or understand that. My husband doesn't want to hear about work anymore (I've been leading a project for my team the last 3-1/2 years so long hours) or Zumba anymore, nor does the rest of my family. (Just my husband and I here at home). Last year we sold dad's house which took most of a year. Family got tired of hearing about that too. So, for the most part, I pretty much clam up about what's going on in my life and then people wonder why I'm so quiet. At the urging of my husband to find something to do (i.e., I think he wants me to become passionate about something other than work or Zumba), I purchased myself a telescope for Christmas and am taking an astronomy class at the community college this term. I also signed up for Zumba instructor training in March. It's been on the 'bucket' list for a while. Not necessarily to teach, just to see what the training is about.
He says I'm too set in my ways. I'm not spontaneous enough. Sorry, I function better on a schedule. It's my accounting brain. I feel this constant push from my husband and kids to change. I don't want to change, I don't feel the need to change, and I'm perfectly happy doing what I'm doing. Am I wrong? Why can't others accept me for who I am and what I do? Isn't this MY CHOICE? I feel like after 44 years of marriage, that I should at least have some control of my life. Do other seniors go through this from their spouse and kids?

oldageisnotfun Jan 2023
Hi Babs75, You are you and people should accept you for this. Don't change anything about you.

NeedHelpWithMom, summed it up well with the Billy Joel song.

We go through changes in our entire life; our needs and wants change as we progress in life. I do believe some traits don't change from when we were children; they just take on the adult form of it. For example, we might have been quiet thinkers as children and we remained that way into our adult lives.

Things like this is who we are as individuals and people around us should embrace the way a person is and accept how they wish to do things.

People putting pressure on you to change is more for their benefit than yours, because it satisfies their ego.

A lot of people are looking for a time in their lives to be completely free of someone telling them how things should be, what they should be doing and how they should be doing things.

This is your time. Others need to embrace you for being you.

freqflyer Dec 2022
When my grandparents had retired it was so different compared to today. They were farmers and decided to move to a small acreage in town, which was like Mayberry. They bought a small farm which had a barn, Grandpa had a couple of cows, a few chickens, and lots of room for Grandpa to grow flowers. Those flowers decorated the alter at the local church every Sunday :)

Grandpa also loved fishing, so he would take the grandkids fishing on a regular basis. He also would find broken toys that he would repair and give to the poor on Christmas. He must have fixed up hundreds of toys.

Grandma didn't like doing housework or cooking, but she managed. She was a former school teacher but back then sadly if a female teacher got married, she had to quit. She loved to read, and the town library would bring her a couple new books to read each week up until Grandma was in her 90's... the library must have used loan procedures with other libraries as the town library was too small to have all those books :)

Way back then the grocery store had home delivery like we do today. Grandma would call the town grocery store and her order would be written down on a light brown grocery bag. When ready, a young fellow would bring the grocery bags to my Grandparent's house, pulling it in a wagon.

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Geaton777 Dec 2022
No one is on their death bed wishing they'd spent more time at the office.

Personally, I struggle with spontenaity and flexibility also. I'm a very contented person, and my hubs like to have adventure and anticipate it. We are very different. He doesn't even like to vacation at the same place twice. I'm a very linear logical thinker (which can often bore him and drive him crazy) and like organization. But as we age we *do* tend to get set in our ways so IMHO I think that forcing ourselves to stretch and be flexible is really good for our aging brains. This helps us be less like "fearful old women". There's a lot of familial "cache" that comes with doing cool and daring stuff when you're older... my hubs and I went diving in Cozumel last month and our kids thought that was amazing (none of them dive). Little did they know there were tons of divers much older than us on that trip! It was certainly inspiring to me.
Hopeforhelp22 Dec 2022
I was never a fan of the saying, "No one is on their death bed wishing they'd spent more time at the office." I've had it said to me during the best times of my career - and it just makes a person feel bad about working hard at their livelihood or doing what they enjoy. No one should have to explain themselves.

I prefer the saying, "Live and let live."
MargaretMcKen Dec 2022
Back in the bad old days when men retired at 65 and women usually hadn’t been working much for a few years before then, there were many complaints and many jokes about what a nuisance it was to have hubby around the house all day. W had got a life organised, and H didn’t fit in well. Hubby didn’t know what to do, was bored and felt useless. Many of them dropped dead a couple of years after retirement, and everyone said ‘what a waste’.

My DH remembers a couple of old retired guys who used to come in and sit in the work tea room for a few hours every day, to chat about the job to workers coming in for a tea break. They were happier there than at home in the kitchen. I had a colleague whose F continued to set the alarm for 6 am, get up, read the paper and make breakfast, because that was his long term routine. Set the alarm?!!!

There are websites, classes, groups, set up about how to prepare for retirement. Perhaps DH needs to check a couple of them out. He could learn about child care – no reason for kids to pressure W, when DH is at a loose end! Then he could be ready to support OP when she finally retires.
notgoodenough Dec 2022
These are great points, Margaret.

I also remember guys who retired "early" and still hung around the workplace, mostly because I don't think they were mentally "ready" to retire. My oldest sister just retired last year, and I had previously warned her about the pitfalls of retiring because you think you should - for whatever reason - when you're not mentally ready to end working.

And your comment about DH taking on childcare is such a valid point, and one I think the OP and her DH should actively explore if they haven't already done so.
TeethGrinder65 Dec 2022
It sounds like you have a very rich and fulfilling life. If those aren't the hobbies and activities people want you to do…well, who cares?

I'm 57. Recently had my 24 year old son tell me all the things my hubby and I should do to have a better life. Erm, we've been blissfully married for more than 30 years, have a lovely home, travel and see friends and family as much as we want to (and as little as we want to). My son has been out of grad school for 6 months, is unmarried and living on his own for the first time in his life.

You have to laugh sometimes.

Beatty Dec 2022
"Am I wrong?"
No.

You are an adult. You know what you need.
Do you, as they say.

Maybe all those well intentioned questions can be directed 'back to sender'. Maybe they need to look at THEIR lives to see if they are doing what they wish to?

Bridget66 Dec 2022
Make a change if you want to for you; but never for someone else.

Cashew Dec 2022
seems like they just want YOU. They want to be able to spend time with YOU after you being wrapped up in the care for your father for so long and the things you've done to escape that stress, like zumba or pouring yourself into work.
It's a plea to re-integrate into their lives. They have probably been off to the side whether you realize it or not. You could try asking them about it.

NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2022
Oh my gosh, play Billy Joel’s song, ‘Just The Way You Are.’ for your husband to hear, over and over again!!! If that song starts to work on his nerves, switch over to, ‘Hit the Road Jack!” ‘Ray Charles’ He can go to your vacation home.

Sorry, a bit sarcastic, I know, but he knew who he was marrying. Why would you suddenly change into someone that you have never been before?

Be true to yourself. Let them figure the rest out.

Wishing you the best.
Geaton777 Dec 2022
NHWM, "Just The Way You Are" and "Always a Woman to Me" are "our" songs! I met my hubs at 18 during freshman first semester in college. Billy Joel was "all that" back then. My hubs and I have worked together for all of our 40-yr marriage and even 2 of the summers prior to that. It's challenging to be in the other's view all day and night but I've had to become secure in just being who I am, and most of the time doing what I want. It helps that our house is big enough to separate ourselves when we need a break. We even used to take separate vacations.
pamzimmrrt Dec 2022
"ifyour husband is feeling like he wants you to spend time with him when he goes to the vacation house maybe once in a while pack your laptop and work from home in your other home. He can still do his thing and you do yours but you can enjoy your after work time together." I agree with this alot. My hubs and I have a vacay home and he loves to go there, and so do I, but I don;t go every time, I am an only child and used to "my time" but I also love him, and the river house. So sometimes I go along for the day and sometimes for a few days. I realize we are lucky to have a vacay home, and what good is it if we don;t use it? I am planning to retire in Aug, and while I may miss my job I am sure like yourself I can find plenty of other things to get into.. but I only have one hubs,,

Grandma1954 Dec 2022
If you love what you do for work you will never work a day in your life...To paraphrase an old adage.
You enjoy your work so it would be silly to stop doing what you enjoy doing.
If you hated every weekday and it brought you nothing but frustration then quit!
"Get a life" !!! My gosh you do more in your week than many do in a month.
You are active, engaged, you enjoy your time alone yet you enjoy time with family! What more could they want. ??
If your husband is feeling like he wants you to spend time with him when he goes to the vacation house maybe once in a while pack your laptop and work from home in your other home. He can still do his thing and you do yours but you can enjoy your after work time together.
YOU do not HAVE to change for anyone other than yourself. If and only when YOU feel like you want to make a change do you have to do so.
YOU GO GIRL!!!!

notgoodenough Dec 2022
From a slightly different perspective:

Something in your post jumped out at me. You say your husband retired in 2019, but you didn't because you can't afford to. So my question is: was the original "plan" that you would BOTH retire around the same time? And if so, would your husband have considered postponing his retirement had he understood that he would be "retired alone", so to speak?

I only ask this because when my husband and I started to get serious, I was aware his plan was to work until he "aged out" or our job; but it was my intention to retire after my 20 years. Now, that's not exactly the way it happened, as things changed, but if your plans had been you would both retire near each other, and then you changed the script, so to speak, that might explain your husband's attitude.

Mind you, I am NOT advocating for you to give up your life and likes for your husband's sake; I'm just wondering, that after 44 years of marriage, why, suddenly (or so it seems) that your husband wants you to change your ways and who you are. That's assuming you've been like this for the entirety of your marriage, that is.
Babs75 Dec 2022
No, it was never the plan that I retire. He was in a maintenance position and he was just getting too old to be doing that. He's 3 years older than me. My mom worked until she was 75. Can't say I'll make it that long. I'm thinking maybe 70 or maybe at least move to something part time then.
funkygrandma59 Dec 2022
No you should never change who you are, and what you enjoy doing, but if you've been married 44 years then you're more than well aware that often as a spouse we have to "compromise" and do some things that our spouse wants to do even if it's something we really don't care much about.
But now that being said, he too must learn to compromise and do things with you that he doesn't particularly care much for. It's how we keep the peace in our marriage, while still maintaining who we are.
Keep on living and enjoying your life.

Hopeforhelp22 Dec 2022
You're Super Impressive - Multi Faceted - You have a very interesting and full life and schedule...Stay the Way You Are!!

MargaretMcKen Dec 2022
xx

MargaretMcKen Dec 2022
You have a full life. That means a schedule, and a schedule means you are ‘set in your ways’. ‘Spontaneous’ really means doing what your husband wants, when he wants it. That means cashing in your own life to entertain your husband.

It sounds as though the pressure is not just coming from your husband, but also from your kids and perhaps other family members. Turn the tables on them. Criticise your husband (or at least question his expectations) instead of just letting yourself be criticised. Perhaps the kids can work out how to entertain their father? Perhaps he can do a bit more babysitting?

He needs to make some spontaneous decisions himself - join a bowls club, try woodworking, learn to play the tuba (I can't imagine anything much more spontaneous than that!).

One line might be that he retired 4 years ago. You are planning to retire at about that age too, and in the meantime you are still working – just like he did.

freqflyer Dec 2022
Babs75, I remember way back when my Dad had retired, back then one had to leave at 65, thankfully that law was changed. Anyway, Dad got to retired and he puttered around the house as he liked to fix things....

Mom was wondering when she could retire from cooking, cleaning, laundry, ironing, grocery shopping, etc. What she did when Dad was acting bored she handed him the vacuum cleaner, and she had him come along when she was grocery shopping even though that chore bored him to death [bored me, too]. Eventually they signed up to do volunteer work and did that for the next 20 years.

Keep on working, Babs. I also have that "accounting brain" worked for a wonderful boss and we were hoping to work forever. We were like Perry Mason and Della Street. Sadly covid came along and my boss died at 85 and I closed up the business at 74. I am going stir crazy at home. Even my own volunteer work at a hospital was stopped after my 20 years due to covid restrictions, my age made me a risk. My hubby is working part time and he is 76, this is his third career, so I am glad that keeps him busy.

Fawnby Dec 2022
YOU are just fine. Your husband is the one who needs to get a life.

lealonnie1 Dec 2022
I feel irritated FOR you by how your DH & family is treating you! What does 'get a life' mean, exactly, when you HAVE a life, and a full one too, by the sound of it! It's insulting to say otherwise! What would they have you do, invent a new medication to cure cancer, for crying out loud? What constitutes a 'full life' in THEIR estimation? What is it THEY are doing that qualifies as a 'full life' that you are 'lacking in' exactly? What 'changes' do YOU need to make that would suddenly thrust you into the 'useful human' category in THEIR eyes, I wonder? Perhaps you should ask them that very question. And when you get their answer, remind them that you are perfect exactly as YOU ARE and they should be able to see that and acknowledge it!

I'm 65 myself. I do what I do and I am who I am. Whoever doesn't appreciate me as is, can go suck an egg. Honestly. I didn't work to get where I am in life for all these years to now be told what I'm 'not'. You know? I am a child of God and just for THAT reason alone, I am more than enough, as are you.

God bless you and help you realize your worth and your value in this world. Nobody has to 'do' or 'be' anything in particular to HAVE value, either, as our very presence is enough. What you do for your dad and your family alone is proof of all you DO give back in this world! You're definitely not wrong with your thought process.

I'm sorry your tone deaf family is making you feel badly; it's unwarranted and rotten of them to be doing so. Let them know that, too. It's not okay to push off OUR feelings on OTHERS.

I just got highly irritated at DH for not doing what I didn't expect him to do in the first place. Sigh. I'm going to go into the living room and give him a kiss on his forehead. It's okay that he is who he is........I have to make adjustments for his shortcomings, as he does for me. That's what love does. We accept one another for who we ARE, and we all need a reminder of that once in a while. Thanks for yours today.
Babs75 Dec 2022
I think part of this is from the fact the grandkids live so close - 5 doors down. Parents both work. I know they would love it if I quit my job to babysit but I have no intention of doing that. Kids are in private preschool. I love my grandkinds in short bursts - they are both under age 5. Exhausting! We see them a couple times a week. Since my husband retired, he helps out where he can (i.e. preschool cancellation) and sometimes he brings them over while I'm working. I spend a few minutes with them then go backupstairs to work. It's like 'well, grandma has to work'. Yes, I have to work and I feel I'm obligated to my employer for 8 hours per day, and usually more. As an fyi, my husband just doesn't understand why I enjoy time up in my office after working here all day. It's my space. I can't really do that when he's here without hearing about it. "You're on the computer too much!", he says. When he's at our property, I often spend my evening up here with the TV on either working or managing dad's stuff. I'm a data analyst for a living, i.e. computer geek, where my husband HATES the computer. It's an awkward environment.
MJ1929 Dec 2022
Sounds like the rest of the family thinks you AND your husband retired when that's not the case. You still work, so a schedule still rules a significant part of your life.

Just ignore them.

AlvaDeer Dec 2022
Not spontaneous enough? Would you be spontaneous enough if you did all the things HE wants you to do and NONE of the ones you have done. You are smart. You know good and well that your life is full and you are doing things that you want to do. That YOU want to do.
This is a natural to me. The growing apart and doing things you enjoy while he does things he enjoys and meeting in the middle when you do things you BOTH enjoy. My partner and I share the things we share, mostly to do with dog rescue. Other than that, both retired, to be frank we need time on our own. He raised two girls and is close to their families. I sometime join and other times I don't. Same with my own girl. She lives away. I go for a month in summer. He stays home. When we had our cabin he designed and built we shared it at times and at times we did not as I, too, treasure alone time.
To me he is being critical of things not his business and how in the world it is the business of the extended family I cannot even imagine. You are free now in a way that is to be treasured. You are well enough to do things, you are doing them. Some you share, some you do not.
As far as his dissatisfactions? You could consider counseling. Or not. He may find he needs to move on if he is unhappy. As to the rest of the family, time to learn to mind their own business. Enjoy your work, your zumba, and your friends. But the truth is that if you spouse and kids can't let you enjoy your time they will be the losers. No one wants to spend time with critics.
I would make it clear that unsolicited opinions about how you happily live your life are unwelcome. You are a grown woman who is happy with the way you live your life. If others are unhappy with it sounds they have decisions to make for themselves.
I know I sound a bit hard-butted about this, but in all truth I would be infuriated. I have a supportive family and partner of 38 years. I can't imagine it another way. We are having storms today and I have been out in my slicker in the rain clearing drains that flood our city streets of leaves. I got happily soaking wet. This isn't an activity my 82 year old partner enjoys. Should I have told him that I can't be happy if he isn't out there splashing in the puddles with me????? As to my kids? They have lives of their own and couldn't care less WHAT we are doing.

AnnReid Dec 2022
My take is that when people tell you to “Get a life” what they MEAN is that YOU Should get THEIR life.

My bucket list included learning to play the tuba, and I’m a work in progress.

I LOVE playing the tuba. My husband likes me to be happy. I play the tuba.

He loves gardening, tinkering, and politics.

He has a niche I have a niche, we’re both happy.

lkdrymom Dec 2022
I got the impression that your husband wants you to do things HE wants to do. I'm 55 and husband is 73. I just retired while he retired 3 years ago. I intend on going back to work part time next year and he cannot understand why. While we both have hobbies (separate and together) that we love, I am finding him watching tv way too much of the time. I don't want to spend the next 30 years of my life doing that. I love being home and around him but I'm starting to feel that I am at home a little too much.

We met at work but several years ago I changed jobs. We used to talk about work non-stop but once I changed jobs he no longer wanted to hear about my work. Life is too short. Do all those things on your bucket list.

Countrymouse Dec 2022
I had to go and have a little lie-down after reading your To Do list. Heavens on earth, what more do they want from you?!

There's a line in Framley Parsonage where a mother is worried that her daughter is treating an eligible suitor too coldly - "she could no more teach Griselda to be impulsive than she could teach her to be six feet high, but could she perhaps teach her to *seem* so..?"

When DH says you're not "spontaneous enough" does he actually mean you should whoop off to the cottage with a merry laugh when in fact you have a project all lined up? Can you tell him - or anyone else who's dropping ten ton hints on your foot - that you've had a spontaneous urge to get on with what you wanted to do in the first place?

anytown Dec 2022
While I still want to be a person who gives more than I take, I have also observed sometimes there are people who the more you give them, the more they demand from you, even when it's obvious you're the only one in the group who's giving anything. Generally, people who demand 'that you change' won't be satisfied, if you change to what they tell you. They will then tell you, you need to change again, from that. The idea that you can satisfy them by changing, is likely an illusion.

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