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DrRockU2 Asked October 2022

Elderly lady believes I want her husband. Any advice?

I care for a dementia patient a few times a week and she won't always cooperate with me as she thinks I'm taking her husband away from her.
I know you can't reason with dementia patients but is there any thing I can do or say that would help her feel better about me? I love her and respect her and it hurts to see her act like this.

Fawnby Oct 2022
Get married last week! You eloped! I had a friend who was like your patient’s wife. Her husband couldn’t walk, had a feeding tube for 2 years, and could barely speak English. My friend still thinks that her neighbor, who used to sit with him while friend went out, was trying to steal him. He could barely communicate with her! My friend was showing the first signs of dementia and now she is deep into it and thinks everyone is stealing from her. Maybe you can get help for the wife by reporting this to her doctor, but the behavior is unlikely to stop.

lealonnie1 Oct 2022
No, there is nothing you can say or do that will remedy the situation this woman has created in her head. You may need to quit this job to 'fix' the situation.

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XenaJada Oct 2022
Sadly, this is common.

JoAnn29 Oct 2022
Is this your mother? Is Dad still alive?

GardenArtist Oct 2022
Might be a long shot, but you could "create" your own husband, with photos and descriptions of him, praise for him, and brief tales of activities you alleged performed together, such as walks during the fall, visiting various places (museums, etc.).

As I'm seeing as I age, insecurity is present more readily than when I was young and strong. Vulnerability to loss of her husband when she needs him might be involved.

Can you get her husband involved in her care so they're spending more time together?

freqflyer Oct 2022
DrRockU2, my Mom had similar issues. When Dad needed physical therapy at home, my Mom would sit and glare if the therapist was a young woman. It got to a point where the therapist no longer wanted my Dad as a client.

My Mom was the same with caregivers. How dare another woman make dinner for my Dad [and Mom], Mom would dump the food into the trash. Back I thought Mom was just jealous without realizing that it could have been dementia starting up. The caregivers were let go, and my parents needed to work things out on their own.

For your situation, it is time to bring out the "therapeutic fibs". Come up with something you feel your patient would accept. You may have to try different phases before the patient will feel better.

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