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SummerRaya Asked September 2022

Elderly father making me feel guilty for planning a trip away for 2 days Any advice?

My dad is 76 and has had quite a few health issues for the last 20 years, he is getting worse as he ages and as he walks now, he groans in pain from his spine disc deterioration. He is still able to walk around using a cane though. He is self-sufficient when it comes to eating, bathing, and going to the bathroom.


I haven’t gone out with a friend in MONTHS. So, when the opportunity came for me to go visit a friend out of state for 2 days, I wanted to go. Its only 2 days, I thought, my dad should be fine.


Well ever since he has learned of this trip, he has been guilt tripping me like crazy and catastrophizing everything which is really stressing me out.


He even said he can’t feed my cat for me while I'm away. I said Dad, all you must do is open a pouch and put it on a plate. I'll make sure everything else is taken care of.


Then he says things like well if anything happens to you, I'll have no one. If you die, I'll be all alone and what if something happens to me while you're gone? He doesn't fall often at all, he only fell once last year but was able to pick himself up off the floor while I was sleeping. He does fine day in and day out.


Yet he is using every possible guilt trip to get me not to go. He even said, "I should start making arrangements to go into assisted living." Just because I want to go on a trip for 2 days?!


I have put my life on hold for him for so long. I never do things like this for myself anymore. What should I do? Am I horrible for going? If something were to happen I don’t know if I could forgive myself.

lkdrymom Sep 2022
I just re-read your post. One person cannot, I repeat cannot be responsible for another adult 24/7. You cannot be with them every second of the day. If you feel he requires that much attention then he needs to be in assisted living at a minimum. At least there is more than one person around 24/7. He could fall while you are in the shower just as easily if you are on a date. If this feels wrong to you, then it is wrong. And what if he is right, what will happen to him if you are incapacitated...which can happen just as easily at home as on vacation. Time to think about a Plan B.

Beatty Sep 2022
I had deja vu reading this post. Thanks Barb for the earlier one.

It seems SummerRaya you are a little stuck. Still riding with Dad in Dad's canoe.

A councellor told me once stuck is ok.. sometimes you need to be. It's better than going backwards anyway. (Floating is better than drowning was my thought)

What a positive step to have a mini-break, go live & have some fun!

But then the worry over Dad...

Dad is telling you he is not able to be alone. Is too anxious, can't cope. He has hx of stroke & dementia, yes? So I'd believe him.

So Dad needs company. This does not mean YOU have to be his 24/7.

Dad will NEED to adjust to having NON-you for help & company. You also will need to face this fact, accept it & implement it (as he certainly can't & won't).

Hopefully that will 'un-stick' you so you can be a daughter again PLUS living your own life. (Not just floating along, but steering your own canoe).

Re your mini break:
Book the cat into care &
book a sitter to come sit with Dad during the day. Consider including until his bedtime if he is anxious up until then.

Consider this a challenge to find solutions for.

Accepting change is not easy, but necessary.

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MeDolly Sep 2022
You should have responded "Yes, maybe you should look into AL".

Sell it, new friends, his age, activities and so forth.

Don't let him manipulate you, he is spoiled, I wonder who did that?

Enjoy your trip!

lkdrymom Sep 2022
You had the perfect opportunity...when he mentioned AL you should have agreed with him and said when you get back you will start looking into it...bonus points if you used his inability to feed the cat as a reason.

Ask him point blank...Dad, do you really want me to give up having a life just so I can tend to you 24/7? He is afraid if you have a life there won't be room in it for him. I understand his fear but it is unfair to you. That needs to be pointed out to him.

CTTN55 Sep 2022
Barb posted part of what you wrote in Nov 2021. At the time you said you were going to look into some resources...did you ever do that?

Also in that post you stated you wouldn't stop taking care of your father because you couldn't live with the regret you were sure you would up feeling.

You are only around 30 years old, right? Do you work? If not, do you see how you are jeopardizing your own financial future? You state that your father has no money. He's not contributing anything?

Did you end up going out on another date with that person from back in Nov 2021? Do you have any sort of social life?

Just curious about your life, but it's pretty clear from what you wrote last year that you have no intention of making any significant changes in your life.

OpenBlanket Sep 2022
Hi SummerRaya - They call this caregiver burnout and I understand it all too well. Don't feel guilty. The guilt is not your burden to take on. I struggle with somewhat the same thing. Known as passive aggressive behavior. I am sorry you are experiencing this.

Seems like he is scared and understandably when ones question their own mortality. Tell him you will call him and check up on him, but you need some SummeRaya time. Hopefully he can see if you don't take of you, you can't take care of him.

AnnReid Sep 2022
Yep, true enough. “SELF IMPOSED”.

BarbBrooklyn Sep 2022
You posted in September 2021, a year ago. You said you were asked out on a date, your dad told you not to go, it was dangerous, he should just go to a nursing home.

Then you wrote:
"Thanks everyone for your advice. I went on the date, it went well. I may see him again this week, but I realized the guilt is also self-imposed. There have been a few times in the last 10 years where my dad has collapsed and couldn't get back up, due to a blood infection and another time was due to a medication mix up induced stroke. If I wasn't there to hear him fall those nights, he likely wouldn't have made it. So I do worry about that happening again, if I'm not at home when it does.

Since the date, he does seem remorseful because I told him how bad he made me feel about it (after he realized I didn't die on the date) he said sorry and said he isn't trying to keep me at home forever, he just worries about me. I am working on the guilt I feel. Naturally I am introverted and a homebody so I wouldn't go out all the time even if I lived alone.

Trying to put myself out there more has been a challenge for me since I haven't done so in 7 months. Growing up with a paranoid parent, I guess I've taken on some of that paranoia about the world too, that's why I can't seem to relax. Anyway, thanks again everyone for your supporting words and great advice. Money is tight so hiring help isn't really in the cards but I am looking into programs that may be free or state run. I also agree that he needs friends, he's in pain 24/7 so he doesn't seem to want to mingle with anyone outside the home."

Your dad could easily live for another 20 years. Unless you want to live like a hermit until then, I suggest you get some help for this issue.

PeggySue2020 Sep 2022
You could get hit by a car, or he could fall, whenever you are out for any length of time and for any reason, trip or no trip.

If he truly feels unsafe alone, then he can hire a sitter or go into respite.

ZippyZee Sep 2022
Go and enjoy it. Stay a week. He's willing to move into AL? Help him pack his bags then and retake your life. That's where sick seniors belong, not in their children's homes robbing them of their life.

Put your cat in a kennel for your trip, I'd be worried about him/her if left alone with a grumpy, entitled, and pouty dad.

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