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inhomecare45 Asked August 2022

How to deal with mean behavior and lying?

SORRY IT'S LONG,


Hi. My husband and I recently had to move in with his grandmother, my grandma in-law. At first everything was okay. About 1 year into it she started throwing things at me (wife), constantly being demeaning, and insisting that I brush her hair when that was not discussed as something I had to do. She tells anyone who will listen that I abuse her emotionally and that my daughter who is 4 bites and hits her. I am not a paid caregiver. I don’t care if I was, but I want that to be known. She has contacted CYS and Area on Aging about me being abusive, and tells CYS that I'm abusive towards my daughter. The gram tells me that she wants to be the only women in my husband's life, and that he doesn’t love me. She claims I'm extorting her when I've never asked her for money ever. I don’t know her bank stuff. When I told family members about her decline in emotional behavior they told me she has Lewy body dementia but, no doctor will diagnose her with it. Every caseworker tells me she does not have it. I feel like that's being used as an excuse for the behavior. This behavior is directed towards me and my daughter mostly. Hubby gets the best treatment from her. I cook all meals, clean every day, and watch her when she showers so she does not fall. I also get all the grocery's, and pay for everything I need out of my own pocket. I will admit she is rummaging through drawers, re-organizing everything, and taking my things and says it's hers even when I write my name on my things. When confronted, or asked why she’s being this way, she just tells me that she doesn’t like me and wants to be with my hubby only. Hubby works, and I am mostly the one caring for her, I never scream, I learned about SAFE CARE before moved in, and do a lot that tbh seems pointless. Area on Aging, freezes me out every time I call, and I'm scared of the outcome of all of this. Can they charge me with emotional abuse just on her words? Can I be charged with anything just on what she says? I'm at my wits end.

BurntCaregiver Sep 2022
The family members are probably right that she has some kind of dementia. They can't diagnose Lewy Body or any other kind because they're not doctors.
Whether or not she gets diagnosed or if the cause for the abusive behavior is dementia-related really doesn't matter all that much.
No one has to tolerate and live in abuse. You have a little child and even though you are not abusive to her, you are allowing her to live in an abusive situation.
Right now, today you STOP and discontinue ALL caregiving to your husband's grandmother. You let him know and any other family members who need to know today that your caregiving is done.
Starting tomorrow, you start leaving the house with your daughter in the morning and do not return until your husband gets home from work. If you don't have family or a friend whose house you can go to during the day, go to the mall. Go to the library. Go to a woman's shelter. Does your child go to pre-school? That is going to make finding someone where to be during the day easier for you. If she's in school, go get yourself a job.
As of today, all caregiving services from you to the grandmother stop.
You do not feed her or prepare a meal for her. You do not help her with personal care like showering or brushing her hair. You don't help her with anything or do anything for her.
You stop cleaning her house, going to the store for her, and makig sure her errands are run.
Anything of value that belongs to you either has to be locked up or removed from her house.
You're not going to be charged with emotional abuse. Please don't worry about that.
The next time she throws something at you, grab her by the wrist and and get right in her face. Tell her that she will NOT throw things at you. Swear at her if you need to. I was an in-home caregiver for almost 25 years and had my share of abusive, violent seniors with and without dementia. A little profanity often works wonders on the abusive behavior of the elderly.
I had a client with dementia who was a biter and a spitter. She bit me hard one time and I slapped her. Not in the face, on her upper arm. Not hard enough to cause damage but hard enough to make a point. I got right in her face too.
She never bit or spit at me again and I worked for around two years for her after that.
It's time for you to grow a set and put an ultimatum to your husband. Either he moves out with you and your child or he chooses to remain with grandma and loses you both.
Stop letting your kid live in abuse. Mark me, grandma will turn on your child too at some point. What then?
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Get your kid out of there.

Grandma1954 Sep 2022
Since your husband is not supportive of you and your daughter I would make plans to move out.
Talk with a lawyer first find out what the ramifications of that act might be. (Actually you should talk to your husband and if he does not know EXACTLY how you feel you need to tell him)
(can you support yourself and your daughter?)
(will you get child support? spousal support?)
(do you have a place to go? people to be with?)
(the important one..is this something you would do and follow through with?)
This is NOT the environment that you want your daughter exposed to. Your job as a mom is to protect your child.

Anyone can say anything but if there is no proof of what she is saying any investigation will go no further.
BurntCaregiver Sep 2022
The OP's child is living in an abusive situation with the gandmother. They need to go.

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Grandmaofeight Sep 2022
If your husband refuses to find in home care or assisted living for his Grandmother you need to take your daughter out of this abusive situation. Abuse is not just physical, this whole situation seems very chaotic.

you have a choice to remain or leave, your daughter doesn't. It is up to you to protect her.

ZippyZee Aug 2022
Nothing makes me roll my eyes harder than someone claiming they "had" to move in with an elderly relative.

No, you didnt. You made a stupid choice. Undo it.

You are a negligently abusive parent to leave your child exposed to this behavior.

Hopefully if you dont leave you'll get reported to CPS and have your daughter removed from this abusive situation since you're unwilling to help your child.
ssn2970 Sep 2022
ZippyZee: Were you in a bad mood when you wrote this? Everything that you said was not helpful or supportive. It was just downright mean. I think that if you want to be this way, just don't say anything. You offered no solutions.
LoopyLoo Aug 2022
Judging from your replies to people here… you aren’t going to do anything about this. You’ve made excuses for your husband and now you say the grandma isn’t all that mean to your daughter.

The one time you said you left, they begged you to come back. Why? You just walked right in to the situation again.

So… only advice is to get used to the abuse and accept you will be second to to grandma until she dies. Hopefully your daughter won’t be hurt, but that is just a risk you are willing to take. Oh well.
inhomecare45 Aug 2022
I will try to do what I can about this situation, gram says that my daughter bites and hits her. Mostly all the rage and mean behavior is taken out on me.
JoAnn29 Aug 2022
Lewy Body needs to be diagnosed as such. People suffering from it can become violent. You need to get grandma a good physical, neurological too. Everything you describe is Dementia but you need to know what type so correct Meds can be given.

Please be very careful with her around ur 4 yr old. This woman is paranoid.

MargaretMcKen Aug 2022
OP, GMIL actually wants you and your daughter to leave. She wants her grandson all to herself. If you leave, you are doing what she wants. Make that very clear to DH and all his family. There is absolutely no reason for you to ‘feel guilty bc I've been caring for her for a while’. You can say quite truthfully that you aren’t happy and she isn’t happy, she wants you gone. Once you have gone, other plans can be put in place for her care.

Be very careful about moving back too easily. They may all have a huge interest in finding ways to get you back. Perhaps GMIL living elsewhere is the only condition that would help – and not just respite care, from which she could return.
inhomecare45 Aug 2022
When the issue is pressed about me and my daughter leaving she starts crying about it, saying how that'll only hurt her grandson. I dont believe her honestly when she does this, I feel she does it bc she knows my husband wants me and his daughter there. That was the agreement for him to move in that we could come too, it seems now that shes resenting it. And possibly wants his attention only. Yes, I have left before and his family all begged me to come back...
Sunflowergarden Aug 2022
I feel like I need to make another post because this really hits home for me.

your husband is a grandmas boy. That’s fine, nothing wrong with loving and having admiration for grandma! BUT you don’t come first, she does. Your his wife, you deserve to come first.

He is using you, she is using you and the family is using you. This is very damaging to your self esteem and most likely, unless a lot of work is done, your marriage will never be the same if you decide to stay.

Please ask yourself if you think you want this long term for you and your daughter
inhomecare45 Aug 2022
I feel used, I feel like they know that I'm compassionate and want to help any way I can. We go to therapy now bc I wanted it, and believe it will help in the long run.
Evamar Aug 2022
Those changes are not just PD.
PD is about diminishing motor skills, but not behaviour, unless she is getting dementia which is present in about 40% of Parkinsons.
So it is on your husband to get proper diagnosis and treatments. It is on him to tell granny enough is enough and you deserve better.
inhomecare45 Aug 2022
His family tells me she has lewy body dementia, witch then would explain this. But no doctor will diagnose her with lewy body.
sp19690 Aug 2022
It doesn't matter if it is caused by dementia. It is not acceptable for her to abuse you. Plus this is not a healthy environment for a four-year old. She told you specifically that she is targeting you because she wants your hubby all to herself. She needs to be put in a nursing home. Or you and your family move out and she hires round the clock care for herself. Thats the only solution is getting you and your daughter out of this terrible situation. The rest of the family wont like it but too bad. They arent the ones being abused.
inhomecare45 Aug 2022
Gram refuses round the clock care. But you are rite.
Sunflowergarden Aug 2022
Sounds like you or your daughter will never be first. Your resentment towards your husband will only grow, long after his grandmother has passed away. No real man would tolerate this behavior for his wife. I’m going to repeat that, no real man would tolerate his wife being verbally and emotionally abused.

I have dealt with this my entire marriage (30 plus years) with my husband. I am telling you, that resentment does not go away. It scares and stays with you for life. Knowing what I know now, I would have left.

I guess you need to decide if you want to stay and be abused or leave.

Me personally, I would leave. Being abused on that level is emotionally and mentally damaging and lowers your self esteem.
sp19690 Aug 2022
Very well said.
MargaretMcKen Aug 2022
It sounds like you do the work but really know nothing about grandma’s health. Does she have Lewy Body Dementia, or Parkinson’s, or both, or neither? Have you seen it in writing from the doctor? Who are ‘they’ that ‘tried to get a nurse’? ‘We both were told that she needed in home care’ – told by whom? Who are ‘the family that say we can’t’ move out?

Nothing should ‘make you feel guilty’. ‘Fear Obligation and Guilt’ are the biggest jerkers that keep carers in their place. Forget about being the perfect carer, in fact perfect anything.

It sounds as though your husband has no problems. He is treated like the golden boy, and thinks you must be exaggerating, should just ignore it etc. The rest of ‘the family’ are very happy with the way that things are just now. That leaves only one person who can change. You.

Change could range from moving out (as a holiday or a marriage statement) to just stopping all the work you do for GMIL. You don’t have to do it. Until you stop, no-one except you has any incentive to change. Perhaps you could tell us what you are prepared to change, apart from just wishing and hoping.
inhomecare45 Aug 2022
I know she has Parkinsons Disease, her family is telling me that her change in behavior is from lewy body dementia, when I asked if that was diagnosed the family and her doctor said no she does not have it. That's why I feel like Lew Body is being used as an excuse, we were told by her daughter and son that she needed in home care after a fall that resulted in a broken back. Area on Aging said we cant get a nurse bc she did not ask for one, and grandma is stating she does not want a nurse there. Family is my husband's family. His mom, uncle, and such.
pamzimmrrt Aug 2022
And that is no longer working is it? can her children help out as YOU are being abused? What does your hubs say about this? Well if CYS believes this stuff then you and hubs will have to move out,, and her other family will have to step up. Then you and hubs and daughter will be able to get on with your lives
inhomecare45 Aug 2022
CYS always finds the claims unfounded. Hubby claims lewy body dementia, I get dementia by pap had it. This just feels different, and everytime I've asked for help from them they say "we know how she is we wont." Hes looking for places now, but she guilts him too.
sp19690 Aug 2022
Your husband is piece of garbage subjecting you and his daughter to this miserable, evil old hag.

Do you have family or friends you can move in with while you get a job and get on your feet?

Because the only way this stops is if the hag dies or you move out.

But really do you have any respect for your husband who clearly doesnt care that this is going on? I know I wouldnt.
inhomecare45 Aug 2022
I completely understand the frustration with him but, he works alot and when this behavior happens hes normally at work. She cared for him his whole life and tbh I think it's that whole abuse relationship going on. At first he didnt believe me, but now that he does he keeps telling me its bc of lew body dementia. I understand dementia, by grandpa had it. So mean outburst are normal to me, but this to me is different. Idk. When hes around shes completely different, starts being nice and wanting us to sit with her. I dont have any family around here... and being an in home care giver for so long friends are a thing of the past...
SnoopyLove Aug 2022
Why does your family have to live with this woman? Could you save up and move out?
inhomecare45 Aug 2022
We both were told that she needed in home care, bc she has Parkinson's disease. They tried to get a nurse but she (gram) refused and said she wanted me and her grandson.

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